Potential cheating Dad, do I tell Mum?

[MagicMatilda]

I have found out that my Dad is on dating websites, well I say dating they are more a casual hook up situation…no strings, no feelings etc.

Mum and Dad have been “happily” married for 30 odd years so do I inform my Mum?

I have proof he’s been looking on these websites but no solid proof he’s met up with any of these ladies.

Any advice please?

No. Their relationship is their business.

So here's the thing - she may already know and be turning a blind eye.

She may not know and be very upset with you for interfering. Your relationship with your mum could really suffer.

She may not know and be glad that you told her once she's got over the initial shock and upset.

Only you know your mum and only you can decide which scenario is most likely. Think carefully OP because once done, it can't be undone.

For what it's worth, if it were my mum, I would have told her. Good luck OP 💐

Looking at what though?

How is looking for women not cheating?

To be fair her Dad has made their relationship the business of her friend and every other woman whose seen his profile.

I consider cheating to be emotional abuse so I would tell.

My adoptive dad cheated on my mom non-stop. People knew and didn't tell her. We moved across the country and a year later she found out and he left her.

She had no family or friends there and she was now divorced. She was humiliated knowing people back home knew but stayed out of it.

Thankfully she didn't get an STDs but what about people that do? If your cheating spouse gave you herpes or HIV I can't imagine knowing people didn't want to tell you because it was awkward.

He's not browsing for fun.

I say tell her, as you've asked. Sounds like you have some evidence?

Don't do it anonymously, terrible suggestion.

Crap situation to be in but he has caused it.

I would absolutely want to know. I have been cheated on and people knew and shielded my ex.

Just ask him WTAF he thinks he’s doing.

I’m intrigued how your male friend knows? I mean maybe I’m naive and I’ve never been on any of these sites, but presumably if you’re looking for women on a hookup sites then you look for women and you wouldn’t see which men are on there etc?

I would stay out of it personally. There is a very real risk of you losing your relationship with your mum, especially if she knows how you feel about your dad.

Added to which, and I know that it’s not pc to say it on here, the line between being in a marriage with someone who has or is planning to cheat and being thrust into a single world after 30 odd years isn’t that straightforward.

We’d all like to think that being single would be preferable to not. But we’re talking someone with grown-up children, who has seemingly had a happy marriage, suddenly bein on their own possibly for the first time ever, and perhaps for the rest of their life. This should never be about what you would want, but about how you think the other person would cope.

If yo do tell either your DM or your DF, it won't take him long to figure out the source of the information.

Marriages are funny things, your DM may well know already.

I wouldn't tell, especially as you didn't see the information first hand.

Friend saw dad looking on his phone (dad thought he was being discrete, he actually has a privacy screen protector on his phone) and then we did some further snooping on his laptop.

Thank you, that’s something to really think about how mum would cope being on her own after all this time. She moans about him but yes completely different to actually having her world turned upside down.

Thank you for sharing and I’m so sorry this happened to you. This is exactly what I’m scared off

He’s so scary, I feel like if I did this he would physically attack me.

OK, given your updates, maybe my initial idea of sending printed screenshots wasn’t so bad after all!

That gives your mum the opportunity to do her own investigation, confide in her friends, or do nothing at all.

From your updates he sounds vile.
I would tell your mum.
She has a right to know.
She can then decide what she wants to do with the information.

He is so horrible!! Selfishly I’d just love to bring him down, he thinks he’s untouchable.

I understand why people say stay out but I struggle to forgive a friend for not telling me about my exs affairs. I felt last to know and humiliated.

I would now always tell the betrayed party. I would leave it with a comment about how I'm giving them this information in the event they are not aware of what's going on and that I would support them whatever they do with it. By not saying you are part of the betrayal in my opinion and not saying anything only protects the liar

It's clear you have to tell her then. Knowledge is power and that might be just the knowledge she needs to separate.

If he is so vile ( to the point where you think he could attack you ) Would you also be putting your mum in potential danger of she confronted him ?

Vanishingly few, I'd think - but a HUGE proportion seem to say that they do, when caught.

It sounds like your mum is with a shitbag. You know this, the guy who works with him knows this. You’re even frightened he’d attack you. So, I’d collate as much evidence as possible - ideally inbox messages to women and post it all to her anonymously. Save your own skin but drop that shitbag in it. Why protect a man that’s actively cheating on your mum - or at least very clearly looking for women to cheat with.

Could you not create a fake profile, talk to him and arrange to meet, then go to your Mum with all of the evidence?

This is what I would do. You will know exactly what is going on. Sorry that you are in this position.

I'd print out the proof and anonymously post it to your mum!

I'd probably post a copy to your dad too (maybe the following day so he doesn't intercept your mum's one).

Just post it from the other side of town!

I’m so sorry, hun! 😫 that’s not a good situation. If you’re scared that this might result from you sharing this info, then obviously I would say that you shouldn’t. Is there another way you could tell your mum? Maybe unanimously send her an email with screen shots? What an awful situation to be in.

By not telling her you are protecting him, he carries on with whatever he's doing.

The fallout could be huge but it is the right thing to do. If they both fall out with you then they can't have been that great in the first place. In no way could I blame my kid in this situation, not in the slightest - an arsehole would do that.

Assuming your mum isn't an arsehole, she'd be devastated if she ever found out you knew & didn't tell her. Probably saddened that you had to live with the knowledge.

Your dad sounds like a shit, however. No one should be actually fearful of their own parent.

If she knew & it's how their relationship operates then all good, just a lil awkward you found out.