Potential cheating Dad, do I tell Mum?

[MagicMatilda]

I have found out that my Dad is on dating websites, well I say dating they are more a casual hook up situation…no strings, no feelings etc.

Mum and Dad have been “happily” married for 30 odd years so do I inform my Mum?

I have proof he’s been looking on these websites but no solid proof he’s met up with any of these ladies.

Any advice please?

Tell her

I would definitely tell her.

This.

I'd print out the screenshots and post them to my mum. That way no one would be mad at me telling but also, your mum needs to know!

I'm in the telling her camp.
Only you know your mum.
Do you think she's more likely to believe her daughter with screenshots/able to make account and look with your support, OR a bit of paper in the post that your dad may well intercept anyway?
If you are going to tell her I think doing it in person may be better.

I would screenshot the evidence to your dad and say... you tell mum or I will.

Does your dad know that you hate him? Could he use that knowledge to persuade your mum, that it’s all faked up by you, in order to cause your dad “payback”.
As others have said, get solid evidence, and from different times in the week/month/or month’s, however long it’s been obvious to you what’s happening.
if he is using the site to get cheap thrills, would she be able to forgive that?
Do you know if they still have a loving physical relationship?
She may forgive him, if they have just a housemats relationship?
in your mums shoes, IF she IS looking for a way out, she may even be grateful to you for what you’ve found, as you don’t know if he’s been gaslighting her…,
Also, if you hate your dad, how do you know she also feels the same or not, but just puts up with her lot, coz she feels she (she doesn’t, coz if she would prefer a separate life, then she doesn’t have to wait for a misdemeanour or affair evidence) can’t leave “just coz she wants to”, or needs proof of something as justification to herself if not to her friends and family.
Fear of being judged, especially wrongly) can make you put up with all kinds of shit.
Its obviously your decision, and good luck to you, as it can equally go right or wrong.

I'd tell your mum, but be prepared for your dad to have his 'I was just looking, I never spoke to any of them, I was bored, you don't give me enough... sex/affection, it was just a joke, I set up a profile because my mate thinks his wife is on there and I was checking for him...' etc etc etc.

So I would make sure you've got the answers to all that, if you don't want him to laugh it off and your mum to think you're making trouble.

I am sorry that you are in this position and I can not 100% be certain what I would do in this situation.

I would probably set up a fake profile and correspond with your father and then either show your Mom or send anonymously or ask a trusted friend/family of your Mom to raise it with her.

In my case though neither or my parents are internet savvy which by the sounds of things your Dad is. I would worry that he would convince your Mom that he has been hacked etc. Or that you hate him and am setting him up.

Get a friend to post them.

Or tell them when they're together.

Do people go on these sites and just look? I get doing that once or twice but it’s been so many occasions. What would they get out of just looking?

My dad this thing. He was talking to random women on internet (I heard him a few days) and knew exactly that it wasn't a work call that he was pretending while my mum was sleeping and he was away lot of times for work. I don't know if it involved pleasure also or not. May be it did. My parents slept with their door open most of the time. So I understood their relationship.

I was about 11-12 at the time and seriously thought my parents would split up. I cried and told my mum.

She managed it somehow. I don't think (I don't remember) I had direct repercussions from that incident.

They are still married 20 years later.

I'd print off the evidence and post it to your mum - then if she is turning a blind eye or if the have an agreement she can continue to do so

How did you find out ?
Are you 100% sure he's not just looking?

Could you get this person to tell your mum?
I wouldn’t want to let your dad get away with it, but I also wouldn’t want to be in your shoes poking the hornets nest between your mum and dad.
I would try and get someone less close to the situation to tell her. Could you tell one of her friends and get them to tell her? She might be able to deal with it better coming from a friend rather than her own daughter.

Absolutely no way

Don't post anything anonymously to your mum. She wouldn't know whether to believe it or not. If I were here, and received that kind of message, I'd go mad with anxiety. Also, how would you react if she told you she'd received it?

I also think you need to consider what the effect might be on your father of telling him what you suspect. I don't know him, of course, and you do, but some people could panic and do something desperate.

I wish I had answers, but I haven't. If anything I think I'd probably feel I needed to find a way to tell my mum.

Apologies I read your updates so I now know how you know.

How strange that the person who saw this thought that telling his adult DD was an appropriate use of the information.

Personally I'd do nothing, if this person has actually seen it and is concerned enough they can speak to your DF or your DM as they please. I don't really think it's on you to get so actively involved in their marriage, particularly as you've not actually seen anything yourself.

No I wouldn’t you don’t know the dynamics of there relationship you have flimsy evidence

i know a few people seem happily married to the outside world
they rub along as friends and turn a blind eye to what each other gets up to

The guy who told me is one of my oldest friends from school. He works for my dad so would be too risky for him to get properly involved, he’d be scared of losing his job. It’s all very messy!

Id take the proof next time you visit them. In front of dad, ask your mum "if I knew dad had done something you would hate, would you rather I told you, or made him tell you?"

See your dsds reaction. Find out the answer from your mum, then either say it there and then or just say to dad "right, you're up. I'm going home"

I don’t have an answer for you, but I would give some consideration to how it may change their relationship with you before you decide anything.

It wasn’t quite the same situation, but I found something very bad out about my stepdad (not cheating). I assumed my mum didn’t know because it was so horrible that I didn’t think she would have ever been with or stayed with him if she knew the truth. I ended up telling him that I knew and gave him 48 hours to tell her before I did. She got in touch to tell me that he read my email and she already knew anyway. What followed was 3 years of harassment and spreading some awful lies about me for unearthing this information. My mum and I had been really close before this. We are NC now sadly as I finally just couldn’t take it anymore.

I think it created a situation where it shined a light on a dysfunctional relationship but one where they were very committed to maintaining appearances, so that anger had to be directed somewhere since they refused to be angry at each other. So it came my way. I’m still glad I spoke up and didn’t keep the secret, but I wish I’d gone in with eyes a bit more open to the fact that she may not have been grateful for me bursting the bubble around their marriage.

That's awful. I'm sorry

No. If you want to look at porn then you Google the thousands of free porn sites available. There’s only one reason why anyone would be browsing local hookup sites

I’d let him know that you knew and I’d also let him
know that you’d prefer it if he let your mom (his wife) know.

Basically that you’ll give him
some days to tell her before you tell her.