My parents have changed their will for me

[Rosemary1981]

To cut a long story short, my family are very Jeremy Kyle worthy...here is just a tiny snippet of whats gone on and why, there is much more but I can't write forever!

I am the youngest of 3 daughters, and when I finally had my daughter at 28 everything changed from by siblings.

I was a very caring, hands on auntie, always around for the kids above and beyond, infact as I lived at home still while most of them were born, I was always baby sitting and my sisters would argue because they would leave the kids with me and not the other. (They say awful things about eachother and their kids).

My daughter is mixed, and when she was born we noticed remarks from both sisters, constant gas lighting behaviour and they snubbed my partner, our house and were never around for me or to see the baby. My parents didn't stand up for me at that time as much as they should and It had a huge impact on me, all that I gave to them and I got nothing from them, I was now an inconvenience.

The last straw was at a party for my niece, my 11 month old daughter at the time picked up a gift and ripped a piece of wrapping paper off of it it didn't even open the gift, my sisters sat in the corner like a pair of witches making remarks about my baby in front of everyone and I lost my temper, told them what I thought of them, left and cut them off from then, and I haven't spoken to them since. We moved well away and moved closer to my parents and we rebuilt my life with friends to fill the void of loosing all the kids.

They tried to follow me on social media for some time after, as one of my sisters is very into online stalking, I wouldn't be surprised if they know where I live and everything about us still.

Its been 6 years, and according to my parents its just got worse and worse. My parents have relationships with them both, but its all on their own terms. My parents feel my sisters are raising the grandchildren as brats and they are sick to death of the horrible things they say about eachothers kids, and just generally being vile, my sisters don't really care for my parents either and haven't been around for their health.

My parents are at breaking point with them and I think one more thing and my parents would cut them off all together.

Last night my Dad dropped a bit of a bombshell, he told me how they have decided to change the will, I will be sole executive.

They told me how they are doing this for me and for my daughter, its for her, for all the hurt my sisters have caused for me to take the power back.

My parents absolutely worship my daughter, and they have said they will leave a larger amount to her.

I am so shocked and upset about it all, they do not want or trust my sisters. They know they won't be fair and they will be init only for themselves and make my life a misery.

My question is has anyone been through similar. What else do I need to consider when I take this on. My parents said they have other adjustments to make so everything would be in my name, as they don't trust my sisters at all. For health decisions ect ect.

I have said if this goes ahead I won't have any contact with them when the time comes (hopefully 20+ years away). It will cost but I would have all contact through a solicitor, I know they will play dirty I know they will try to harass me even with this in place.

My parents will tell them when its all changed and done, and I know full well they they will be shocked and rage about it. I am expecting some abuse from them to be honest.

My sisters will get smaller shares, and their children. I don't think my parents will tell them that, in their old age it will be me who looks after them.

What else do I need to consider, I understand legally they won't be able to do much if a tall, but I know they will still try and make my life hard.

Your terminology is confusing (and you may like to double check what your parents have actually done) but it sounds like your parents are making you PoA, executor of their will and sole beneficiary?
This is potentially a lot of work and heartbreak. Perhaps they would consider using a solicitor for the executor part at least?

I'd also be very interested to hear your sisters' point of view in this. My parents are experts at playing off their children against each other so that they fall out. The first thing that I thought was that this could be a similar situation. It doesn't mean that your sisters haven't behaved badly, but it might help to understand if there are reasons behind it.

That's a very passive/defeatist approach. Do you avoid confrontation?
Why should the parents leave an equal share when 2 of their daughters seem (according to OP) to be so awful!

In my family there has generally been two executors (which is good planning), and not necessarily all the children - just because having to agree on things like property sales etc gets more complicated the more people there are involved. It’s not really a bombshell and completely normal. Whether your siblings see it that way, however, is a different matter.

My parents are experts at playing off their children against each other so that they fall out. The first thing that I thought was that this could be a similar situation. It doesn't mean that your sisters haven't behaved badly, but it might help to understand if there are reasons behind it.

Mine too and DHs. I wondered the same when I read this. It is actually reasonably common. If there were “favourites” growing up among the children you can guarantee that there are a pile of unspoken resentments between the adult children and often the person who doesn’t see the favourite playing is the actual golden child.

Not sole beneficiary - penultimate para of opening post says sisters will get smaller shares.

It's not something to obsess about. Your sisters won't know they have got a smaller share because you will be the sole executor. The only thing they could take offence to us that you're sole executor but even that can be dealt with diplomatically if you want to eg "the solicitor is dealing with all the money and the estate and will let us know what we are owed". It doesn't need to be a big drama then or now.

They'll know if they ask to see the will, as is their right.

Whether you or a solicitor is the executor, if you do end up as the sole beneficiary, you could always (assuming you would want to!) make what is called a Deed of Variation, to include siblings after all. All beneficiaries do however have to agree.

Dh and 2 of his siblings did this to include a 4th who had previously been cut out, for a reason that no longer existed.

As a pp has pointed out, once probate has been granted wills are public property - anyone can see them (for a small fee) - they don’t even need to be related.

I'm confused I am sorry I think you might be looking too much into this. Its not unusual to be sole executor it means you sort the money out - some one or maybe two people do it but three would be too many. Its just carry out someone's wishes.
It doesn't sound like your sisters are getting nothing - just less.

A solicitor could be the executor as given what you've said about the family it would probably be a pain in the arse for you to take on and possible blame given to you from then depending on what your parents have done with the will and who inherits.

Guessing you are the golden child.

Doesn't excuse your siblings behaviour. Explains it though.

As executor you can’t stay out of it. It’s literally written into the will that you distribute their assets.
Another route would be to appoint a disinterested executor, a solicitor. That’s the safest way of avoiding conflict.
Being an executor is a lot of work- it’s flattering because they’re placing their trust in you but it’s like taking on an extra job for a year.

Re one or more executors. If there’s more than one it spreads the load but it also complicates things and makes the process longer if they don’t live very nearby. I’m currently selling a house as one of two executors and lots of paperwork has to be signed and witnessed twice so we’re having to post it between us then to the solicitor. If we lived near each other or the solicitor it would be simpler.
My two siblings and I are very emotionally close but physically far apart so I’ve asked my parents to just pick one (not me, I’be just done it and don’t ever want to do it again) We’ll all help out support and advise each other but won’t have to do the posting between extra work.

it reads that your parents want:

• you to have legal power of attorney
• you to be sole executor (ie distribute assets)
• you to be the main beneficiary with your sisters being minor beneficiaries.

If correct the above is good advice especially re including the explanation of division of assets and you not attending or witnessing the will writing.

I personally would decline sole executor role and think you would be CRAZY to accept.
It’s all notionally nice and flattering they trust you but it takes a lot of time effort and stress. You’ll be dealing with your nutty sisters while trying to grieve… it can be an absolute nightmare.
Tell your parents if they care about you they must use an impartial executor, a solicitor ideally, but could be a family friend or aunt/uncle.
Do not agree to it - it will be a big mistake.

separately my family like to “use wills” to play games so I take a similar view to others on here which is this all sounds a bit divide and conquer.
Look after your own interests, don’t get sucked into their games and shift your mindset from “being helpful” To doing what is best for me, DP and DD.

So OP I am sole executor of my DF’s will and POA. DB has the pleasure of being DM’s. DF had loads of hassle when DGF died as all his siblings were joint executors and although there was no problems with the will they found it hard getting everything dealt with due to locations and working patterns etc.

POA is to do with decisions while your parents are still alive but no longer able to make decisions for themselves. You should be given a legal document that is signed by you and your dp detailing what you have control over- it can be for financial matters, health/welfare or both. Your parents are being very sensible setting this up in good time and it absolutely makes sense that they’ve chosen you as the DD they are closest too.

The contents of the will is there decision however it might mean very little down the line if the estate is eaten up by care home fees. Your DP’s need to take this into account when writing the will that its a % of the estate left rather than amounts as I know someone who ended up inheriting a larger share than was intended because he was left a specific amount however care home fees had used the bulk of the estate so we don’t think the estate was really split as intended originally! I do think its worth noting your siblings could still contest the will (which is why PP’s have mentioned your parents writing an explanation of their wishes).

Given the potentially controversial split of the will in your favour i’d probably suggest your parents make someone else executor if I were you. You will be grieving and the last thing you need is to be dealing with your grieving and quite likely aggrieved siblings!

Years ago, when it was time for my mother to re-do her will, I persuade her to leave out my nightmare brother from being an executor. When she died, him not being able to influence anything (well, he did try to pull some stunts, most of which I was able to batter away as executor) meant that things were far more straightforward than had he been involved. Yes, it was a lot of paperwork, but that was vastly more preferable than him having any control. He would have relished that, would have delighted in creating chaos and causing distress, and I wouldn't have been surprised to have seen him use his position to extort money from the estate. As it was he did try (and did fail) to increase his share by a significant amount.

Had I found the load of being executor too much, I could have simply appointed a solicitor to do it instead. Although this can cost a surprisingly large amount of money.

I think some posters on this thread are underestimating how much stress might be removed from the OP by the sisters having been removed as executors.

I agree with this poster @Rosemary1981 . If you are going to use a Solicitor anyway get them to name the Solicitors as Executor and not you. It WILL cost a huge amount of money to go through a solicitor though

Being Executor is a lot of work for starters. Also I was in a similar position to you: My sister and I don't get on but were originally joint executors. My Sister made a huge fuss about not being able to work with me when the time came so Mum rewrote her Will making me sole executor. Sister was NOT happy at the time.

In the event dealing with it was an absolute Nightmare. Sister had a key to Mum's house and went into the house and helped herself to quite a number of things, even before the funeral. Lots of paintings and lots of books - some of which were probably quite valuable as well as a number of other things. This was in spite of my saying that nothing could be touched/taken from the house until I, as the Executor, had drawn up an Inventory of her possessions, as was required by law. Mum's will stipulated that she wanted everyone to have a look at stuff, especially the books and paintings, and have a chance to choose what they would like. That didn't happen.

If you DO decide to take it on yourself, make sure your sisters don't have keys to their house. Also be prepared to get mega grief from your sisters. That bit probably doesn't matter as you are VLC/NC anyway

Something for your parents to consider is how you will secure the estate whether they just need support or you are dealing with settling their estate.

This can be practical: Parents review who has keys to their home and perhaps look at changing locks and starting afresh.

Bank accounts, insurances, utilities, pensions etc: Parents could pull together a list of these. This will be useful if you need to assist them.

xpost @Silvers11

When family gets on well, having different people with access can be useful. When they dont it will be a nightmare.

Sole executor is not the same as sole beneficiary. If your parents have made you the sole beneficiary then it would be infinitely better if they were to explain this, and the reasons for it, to your sisters before they die. Otherwise there could be all sorts of unpleasantness after their deaths (there are many threads on MN about this situation).

Not a problem @GnomeDePlume

What you said is exactly right too! I had a horrendous few months. I did eventually get back some of the books and the paintings - once she decided which ones she was keeping, without any discussion on the subject! But she stone walled me at every chance she got and referred more than once to 'I'll be interested to see the accounts when they are done' as the sole reply when I sent emails asking questions about a number of things. Clearly implying that I would 'do' her and her family out of things.

I tried to do exactly what Mum would have wanted and it nearly broke me!! I couldn't change the locks, because she was in a private sheltered housing complex, with fancy keys which opened the downstairs outside door as well and had to be ordered through the maintenance company

As you say, if relations are strained anyway, a death will make things extra stressful

There's no major issues in my family, but I know that I am the sole executor of my parents will/estate, despite not being the only child. I know their wishes, where all the important info is. I know it will be me making decisions whether financially, health, wellbeing etc about both of them when that time comes. I know I will be the support for the remainder of the family.

I know all of this because they've told me. They've told me the trust me to do what's right for their family, even if for any reason theres friction. And that they don't feel like the rest will be able to handle it right or well. I also know that different people in the family have different levels of knowledge.

It's a trust thing, and a security thing to know these things are in the hands of someone capable of doing what they wanted. But it is a lot of responsibility and does open the door for a lot of friction. People can be weird about money. Even those most loving, functional families can have issues when there's potential large sums of money being split.

It's hopefully ages away, but sometimes it does hang over me. Try not to let it worry you. There will be explicit instructions, all you have to do is follow them.

I am joint executor with a solicitor of my cousin's will. I am also the main beneficiary. Her brother and nephew will go bananas as they're cut out of the will but the solicitor says he'll handle that.

If you have any concerns, have a joint meeting with the solicitor and your parents.

I agree with others that I don’t like people using their wills to punish their children, unless it is necessary to prevent gambling/drug use etc.

OP I would think carefully about whether you are the golden child and whether your sisters’ behaviour is really so bad that it justifies unequal treatment (which would destroy their relationship with you and undermine their feelings about their relationship with their parents, as well as being unfair to their children).

This happened in my family: my DM was disinherited. As a result my cousins are millionaires and me and my sister are on the breadline. My DMs behaviour was problematic at times but I don’t think justified the resulting conflict and pain.