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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think possibly so, but...

28 replies

LolaTheShowgirl · 20/03/2008 15:40

I live with my mother and her albanian husband who came over a year ago. He has only had 1 job in that time for about 4 months. His family back home live to a reasonable standard. They certainly don't go without. He left his mum (in her 60s), young son who is almost 10 and his sister. They all live together. My mum never talks to his family on the phone or online (mainly because of langauge barrier) but has been to see them on trips over there about 6 times.

My mums husband must tell my mum that his family is having money troubles and getting groceries etc on the tab which of course my mother feels terrible at and sends them £200 every few weeks. I'm not quite sure I don't believe her husband and his family are legit. I think all he wants is her money and a life over here. My mum has paid for all his flights back home, a car, gives him spending money for throughout the week, paid for his uk driving lessons etc and then is sending them money over. she knows i feel doubtful about their situation. i give her a lot of my wage for board/lodgings.

so today, really strangely, my mother and her husband were going to town early. very unusual for them when they can get everything in the village. i asked my mum is she was going to send them (her il's) some money over. she swore no she wasn't as she didn't have any money. all she has is the cash i gave her which has to go to pay her visa as last month she drew £500 on the visa to send to them as she had no money of her own otherwise. I have just got home now and found the western union slip to say that £100 was sent today and i'm really angry. first because she lied to me and second because i gave her that money towards paying off her visa and to pay our house bills. i am struggling to save for a deposit for my own home but still don't mind contributing to this house but really when she is sending my hard earned cash over there I get so mad! am i being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Carmenere · 20/03/2008 15:45

Yes it is none of your business. Again.

WallOfSilence · 20/03/2008 15:46

It isn't any of your business.

When are you going to get a life/house of your own?

southeastastra · 20/03/2008 15:53

well it would pee me off as well.

hecate · 20/03/2008 16:05

Yes. You give her money for your place in her house - it is up to her what she does with it.
I mean this in the nicest possible way -- You really need to move the hell out of there and get on with your own life. You are getting obsessed with your mother and her dh. It makes up at least half your threads!
Change your focus, you'd be far happier!

loopylou6 · 20/03/2008 16:05

Hang on a minute, the original poster is genuinly concerned for her mother and quite rightly doesnt want her hard earned cash benefiting anyone other than her mother, if i was in her position i would be very much peed off aswell. In reply to the original post, YANBU

hecate · 20/03/2008 16:09

But her mother is an adult who can make her own choices. And as for the hard earned cash - you don't dictate to your landlord what they spend your rent on because that's not your concern. Your job is to pay your rent, that's all. There comes a point when you just have to back off and let someone live their own way and, yes, fall on their arse if they are going to. Lola really needs to get some distance, her current situation stresses her out so much.

pinkspottywellies · 20/03/2008 16:10

Have you spoken to her about sending the money before? IF she lied to you without knowing that it bothers you it would suggest she's not too happy about it either. If it's an ongoing gripe from you then she probably lied because she didn't want to discuss it again.

As for what she spends her money on, it's up to her but I would be worried if she was going into debt herself to support her ILs.

loopylou6 · 20/03/2008 16:10

i see ya point about the landlord thing, but it must be hard watching your mother being taken for a ride

bobsyouruncle · 20/03/2008 16:11

well I'd be peed off too tbh, yanbu

Miggsie · 20/03/2008 16:14

Your mother is being suckered...don't join her!
YANBU, and I think you are right to be annoyed but how long will this go on?
She is really being taken for a ride, no wonder you are upset, it's a dreadful thing to happen to someone, and she won't see it as extortion, even if you proved it to her, not if she is besotted with her DH.
Don't give her any more money...damage limitation is the best option now.
Talk to her in general terms about her finances.
My MIL had this problem with some of her children so in the end she bought them "things" or paid a specific bill but never gave cash, that way she had some chance it would actually go to where it was mean to.

PotPourri · 20/03/2008 16:16

I can see how it is annoying, but it really is not your business. You should contribute to the house because you live there. And because it is the right thing to do. Your mum can do whatever she wants with the money - be that drink it, blow it on a fancy couch, send it to inlaws. Whatever she wants to do with it is her business.

You might want to talk to your mum and say that you are worried that she is being taken for a ride, but whatever you do - DO NOT bring up anything to do with your money funding them or such like. It is not appropriate and frankly irelevant

hecate · 20/03/2008 16:16

It must be awful. This situation has been like this for ages, poor lola has spoken about it many times and I know it causes her a lot of unhappiness, but she has GOT to draw a line and get out. It can be done, many people do it, hard as it is. you can't always save people from themselves and her mother is happy with the way things are, by all accounts.

TheAntiFlounce · 20/03/2008 16:22

Miggsie, Lola has to give her the money as board and lodgings. This isn't a charity expenditure, it's payment for services rendered.

Lola, I really do see why you are upset - but by telling you it's not your business, we are not backing your mother and what she chooses to do with the money you are obliged to give her - we are merely saying that it's up to her. Of course it's an insane thing to do with money. Nobody doubts that - but actually, you would be in a better position to control how much money gets sent by moving out in order to cut the cashflow. If you want to help your mother after that, you will just have to accept what she will do with the money, but you will no longer be obliged to give it to her.

please spend some time actually considering a different, non-dependent life

ChocolateRockingHorse · 20/03/2008 16:26

How can you all say it is none of Lola's business??

Would all of you who said that REALLY stand by happily and silently as your own mothers got conned (possibly) out of what is amounting to a great deal of money?

Really really????

TheAntiFlounce · 20/03/2008 16:30

No - but Lola has been suffering from her mother doing exactly what she wants and ignoring everything Lola says for at least the last year. She's not going to suddenly start listening to you Lola. She wants to listen to her husband instead. She is choosing this life, she knows what he is like, she lives with him and you have told her - but you cannot change someone's mind by reiterating what they already know.

TheAntiFlounce · 20/03/2008 16:30

Lola's mother isn't exactly being conned - she does seem to be blinded by love though, and that is just as hard to deal with.

hecate · 20/03/2008 16:33

I wouldn't stand by silently and I wouldn't stand by happily, but I would give my opinion and voice my concerns and if they were ignored and it was causing friction I would shrug and say I tried. And I would move out. Because you can only do so much - what is she going to do - have her mother declared mentally incapable and get power of attorney (or whatever it's called)?? You can't make someone do what you think they should, no matter how convinced you are that you are right. And eventually you HAVE to back the fuck off and let them fall.

UniversallyChallenged · 20/03/2008 16:33

agree with Chocolate - i couldnt stand by and see this happen to my mother. It doesnt matter how many threads she talks about it - if you dont like it then dont click on them.

The visa people will be after your mother, could you not get hold of her card number and pay them direct next time? and instead of paying for board then do the weekly shop yourself? That would mean she (and more importantly her hd) isnt tempted with being given cash

duchesse · 20/03/2008 16:35

You can pay money straight into her visa card or the bill companies you know. All you need is the account details. However, how she spends her money, assuming she is of sound mind, is none of your business, however bloody frustrating it must be to see her sending it all to this man's family. If you think she might be dementing, that is a different matter as clearly she would need protecting.

If not, then I would just leave and tell her you'll be there to talk if she needs you.

LBA · 20/03/2008 16:46

I dont think there would be much point paying money off the card because its just as easy to take back out again.

Pay some of the other bills direct. She'll probably still be sending money over but at least then you know things are getting paid. I dont see what else you can do Lola apart from moving out as soon as possible.

Original poster

LolaTheShowgirl · 20/03/2008 17:00

Hi, thanks for replying

I know there is nothing I can do anymore apart from sit back and while I understand it is entirely my mothers choice what to do with the lodgings I pay her, it really makes me mad when her w*nker DH just lets her pay for everything. Surely any man with respect for my mum would do everything in his power to get a job and provide income for his family. He says he has a job lined up but the keep putting back the start date. If he is so desperate to look after his family I think he would say goodbye to that one and find another one. He is always hinting at my mum to buy him expensive things and to send his family money. One time he acted very ungrateful for a gift my mum gave to him and it ended up him saying he will never accept any money from her again to send to his family. What the heck happened there then?! If I say anything, it just all blows up in my face and then I feel rejected by my mother so I've started to keep my mouth shut. I know my mum would go mad if I directly pai any bills for her. She wants the cash in her hand (obviously so she can send it over there). I've got a new home lined up, but while i'm paying my mums debts off too and paying board it's really difficult to save the deposit, but i'm getting there

OP posts:

LIZS · 20/03/2008 17:05

Sorry I agree with many - you've asked similar before and it has been suggested that you either give her money unconditionally, and therefore cannot mind what she does with it, or not at all. Or you pay money direct into her visa account, but then she may still use that also to subsidise, what are now, her family, or pay off the bills. Stop paying her the cash and move on yourself.

hecate · 20/03/2008 17:08

Did you say paying your mum's debt off - as well as the board? Well stop that you daft thing! Only pay the board. That way you can save the money faster.
you CANNOT change her and you have to put yourself first. Come on lola!!! Get yourself free!

moondog · 20/03/2008 17:17

How old is your mum?
How old is he?

LBA · 20/03/2008 17:28

She would go mad if you paid the bills directly instead of giving her the money? See now it shouldn't make a difference to her. Are you saying she's taking your money and not paying the bills? In which case I really dont think you are being unreasonable.

When you say she would go mad, do you mean she would throw you out?

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