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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I a terrible person son to be contemplating an affair?

36 replies

FootballFanGirl · 28/01/2024 22:31

Please be kind. I understand this will hit a nerve with some people. This doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to act on it. I think it's more of a fantasy or a need rather than having the audacity to actually do it.

Me and DP are in a rubbish place at the minute. He's lazy, rude, treats me like absolute crap and shows me absolutely no affection or intimacy. He bullies me about my weight, the way I look, things I do, literally everything. He treats me like a maid. We have a toddler but he does absolutely nothing. He's very selfish in the he sense that he only thinks about himself and his needs. He's not supportive and frankly I'm so unhappy now. This isn't how I envisioned my life. I just want to feel loved and wanted and have a partner who wants to be with me and treats me well. And I know people will say just leave, it's not that simple. I've no friends or family at all and live in an area that I am not from so am quite isolated. DP supports me and DS financially. I don't even think I want to have a physical affair. I think it's more an emotional need. I need someone to fulfill me emotionally and just be a shoulder to cry on. I have a neighbours who is much in the same position as me. We confide in each other and we also have some quite flirty banter and theres definitely a spark there although we've never discussed it or acted on it in any way. We act like very good friends. I find myself thinking about him a lot and confusing in him more and more and him the same to me. I know it's wrong but in my head I'm having all these thoughts of me and him just running away together and being happy and I feel bad and guilty. I love my DP even though we aren't in a great place. I'm struging to get my head around all the feelings and emotions that I am feeling at the moment. I've told DP how I feel in the sense that I feel like there is no love anymore, no intimacy and he just treats me like crap and this relationship is a relationship of habit. He didn't disagree but also said "I am responsible for my own happiness" which is true but he's not even willing to listen or understand, we've argued and h s gone to sleep in the spare room. I find myself sat here and my heart is just breaking b cause deep down I know our relationship is over but I can't bring myself to leave. Hence these thoughts I'm having about someone else. I think it's a fantasy rather than playing it out. I don't have the balls to ever do it, or the confidence but am I wring to even be thinking about it?

I know I'll get som stick for this but I would like some outside input or even just a kick up the arse.

OP posts:
squirrelnutkin23 · 28/01/2024 22:36

I don't think you're a bad person for thinking about it given your current situation but an affair won't solve your problems it will just create more.

You need to leave your oh. He sounds awful. Focus your energy on being happy alone and then the rest will follow.

It's understandable that you're latching onto a person who has shown you attention and support. We're all only human after all. But this is all just a fantasy at the moment, you've no idea what he would be like as a partner either.

The best thing you can do is make plans to change your current situation.

user1473878824 · 28/01/2024 22:36

Honestly pal, I get it and leaving is NEVER easy do you want this to be the rest of your life? Because it will be if you don’t. Say you did have an affair, then what? You’re still not going to get all that stuff from DP and it’s him you’re stuck with.

have an affair, don’t have an affair - it doesn’t make a difference to me so I’m not going to have a go at you for that! I can completely see why you’d be considering one to be honest, but I don’t think it would actually make you happy and it’s not going to stop you feeling shit about your actual day to day life with DP.

Leaving doesn’t mean waking up tomorrow and walking out the door, but start looking at your options. DP would still financially help with your child. You can start your own life, that is much more fulfilling and happy, just different to what it is now.

Rainbowloverparentx · 28/01/2024 22:38

Just leave?

Honestly. I don't understand why people either can't attemptnto fix their relationship difficulties or understand to leave.

You aren't setting a good role model to your child by solving this with deceit and disloyalty.

Show your child you do things the hard, yet honest way.

Coming from someone who was cheated on and had to rebuild my life, instead of being communicated about the issues.

I'll have to explain it to her one day, do you really want to have to explain to your child you couldn't just leave their father?

MinaM · 28/01/2024 22:38

Lazy, rude, treats you like crap, bullies you......but you love him? Sorry I can't even begin to get on board with someone staying with someone like this.

Frankie2018 · 28/01/2024 22:38

OP you're in a very dark place at the moment. If you act on your feelings with your neighbour it's only going to get darker.
If you have an affair you put yourself in an even more vulnerable position if your DP supports you financially.
Your DP is abusive and if you do want to leave Womens Aid can support you.
It's time to get out of the hole you're in, not dig it deeper.
Good luck

KnowledgeableMomma · 28/01/2024 22:39

Leave first. THEN you can contemplate a new relationship (even an emotional one). Affairs are wrong even when one partner (your DH) are jerks.

Resilience · 28/01/2024 22:40

Sounds like you need a divorce not an affair!

Resilience · 28/01/2024 22:41

And definitely don't have an affair with the neighbour. Don't shit on your own doorstep!

WigglyVonWaggly · 28/01/2024 22:41

You need to start the ball rolling by reducing your financial dependency on him. Can your toddler go to nursery and you go to work? Even part time? You’re already treated like shit and a maid, so tell him that the arrangement where he works and you are the general dog’s body is no longer working for you.

FootballFanGirl · 28/01/2024 22:42

I think my issue is I feel like I can't just get up tomorrow and leave and it's a process. I do want out but I guess fear of the unknown is holding me.bavk. we've been together such a long time that this is all I've known. Yes, I've matched in to my neighbours and for all I know it's all one sided and in my head b cause Its just a terrible dark place to be right now. I feel terrible for even having these thoughts.

OP posts:
Rainbowloverparentx · 28/01/2024 22:43

FootballFanGirl · 28/01/2024 22:42

I think my issue is I feel like I can't just get up tomorrow and leave and it's a process. I do want out but I guess fear of the unknown is holding me.bavk. we've been together such a long time that this is all I've known. Yes, I've matched in to my neighbours and for all I know it's all one sided and in my head b cause Its just a terrible dark place to be right now. I feel terrible for even having these thoughts.

OP, I work in Housing Support.

I'm happy to have a PM with you and see your alternative options.

Depending on your area, wages, child care etc, it may be more viable than you think.

user1473878824 · 28/01/2024 22:44

FootballFanGirl · 28/01/2024 22:42

I think my issue is I feel like I can't just get up tomorrow and leave and it's a process. I do want out but I guess fear of the unknown is holding me.bavk. we've been together such a long time that this is all I've known. Yes, I've matched in to my neighbours and for all I know it's all one sided and in my head b cause Its just a terrible dark place to be right now. I feel terrible for even having these thoughts.

Well, they’re thoughts! Don’t feel terrible about them, we’ve all had thoughts like that in shit relationships! But DO do something positive and start the process of leaving so you can actually be happy.

FootballFanGirl · 28/01/2024 22:45

Rainbowloverparentx · 28/01/2024 22:43

OP, I work in Housing Support.

I'm happy to have a PM with you and see your alternative options.

Depending on your area, wages, child care etc, it may be more viable than you think.

Thank you. I've looked into to it numerous times but my local council said they need proof, ie my partner saying we can't live here, my tenancy agreement etc. they said they would put me.in a hostel until social housing would b come available and I'm sorry but I don't want to take my toddler somewhere like that.

OP posts:
Lilysienna1 · 28/01/2024 22:48

I think we are all going to give you a kick up the arse to leave, rather than give you stick for thinking of having an affair. Think of the positives from leaving now- your child is young enough that he won’t even remember the split. But he’s also old enough right now to be affected by living in an unhappy home, which right now is his reality.
By leaving now, think of where you could be this time next year. You could be living in an area where you are not isolated, will have made new friends and started building up a support system. You might have met someone else, but that’s the least of your priorities. Your priority is yours and your child’s happiness and stability.
start looking at the practicalities. Have a look at what help you can recieve - universal credit, help with paying private rent, apply to be on the council housing list etc etc? Do you have a health visitor you can speak with? Citizens advice? Your partner is abusive so perhaps look at women’s aid or whatever else is available in your area.

he’s only right about one thing and that is that you are responsible for your own happiness. And you won’t find that happiness by staying with him, with or without having an affair.

It will be hard now, but in the long term it will be worth it. Leave and be happy.

Minglingpringle · 28/01/2024 22:49

The toddler won’t notice the accommodation. This would be a short term inconvenience for a long term gain. Otherwise you’re stuck as you are forever.

HalloumiGeller · 28/01/2024 22:52

It baffles me when women say they can't leave, what's the alternative? Being miserable and wasting the best years of you life? I left my ex after 12 years, we also owned a house and he supported me and the kids financially.

So what did I do? I ended it, then I got a job and a place to live for me and my kids. Been with my now partner for over 4 years and we have our own house together. Absolutely zero regrets!

user1473878824 · 28/01/2024 23:00

Minglingpringle · 28/01/2024 22:49

The toddler won’t notice the accommodation. This would be a short term inconvenience for a long term gain. Otherwise you’re stuck as you are forever.

This with absolute bells on

Lilysienna1 · 28/01/2024 23:06

Reframe the thought of living in a hostel.. you say you don’t want that for your child. But what do you want for them? To grow up in an unhappy dysfunctional home, with a warped idea of what love is, witnessing abuse on a daily basis, and thinking this is how a man should treat a woman? Living temporarily in a hostel will be a short term pain for long term gain. And anyway, it may not be as bad as you think. I’ve had a few friends live temporarily in hostels and they were just safe places full of women and children just like themselves.

FootballFanGirl · 28/01/2024 23:12

I don't know. I'm feeling very vulnerable and head messed up. And I'm worried. My toddler do not witness abuse per se. He is very happy and well cared for. But I suppose that b cause his dad doesn't really bother with him. Die to shifts he works he barely sees him, DS usually in bed on a nighttime or still sleeping on a morning before DP goes to work. I really think he is oblivious and forgets he even has a dad that lives with him tbh.. I do want to leave. There is just something, I suppose fear which is stopping me. And the added stress of having these thoughts and fantasies. I feel very confused and don't know where to start.

OP posts:
5128gap · 28/01/2024 23:15

First off, your neighbour. There is an excellent chance this guy is just mirroring you, pretending to be in the same boat so you build a bond and have sex with him. I mean, what are the odds of finding your male counterpart in the same street at the right time? So I'd call chancer where he's concerned.

So, with that in mind, I don't think its a great idea when you're vulnerable and in a messy situation to make it more complicated and risk more pain. What I would do is welcome this for what it is, a massive sign that you really shouldn't be in your marriage anymore. Then I'd turn the energy and headspace I was using on neighbour guy to good use and plan my exit. When you're free of your miserable marriage, then is the time to think about other relationship options.

Gardagarda · 28/01/2024 23:17

Have the affair! Fuck it! You only live once and you need some tlc. Then start thinking about leaving.

Lilysienna1 · 28/01/2024 23:17

Why are you isolated? Did you move away from your home town to be with him? Do you have any family or friends to speak with that can help support you, even from afar. If you’ve moved away from somewhere, would you be able to move back so you have a support system?

FootballFanGirl · 28/01/2024 23:20

Lilysienna1 · 28/01/2024 23:17

Why are you isolated? Did you move away from your home town to be with him? Do you have any family or friends to speak with that can help support you, even from afar. If you’ve moved away from somewhere, would you be able to move back so you have a support system?

Yes I moved nearly 100 miles when i met DP. I'm out of touch with most of my friends. My parents are back home but we have grown quite far apart recently. I have sisters which also live at the other end of the country. I live in the north and they live very far down south. I don't have many friends here. I suffer quite bad social anxiety and OCD so I find it difficult to get out and about and make friends.

OP posts:
Morientes · 28/01/2024 23:21

How is having an affair with the neighbour going to help (also if you are that close as you describe it sounds like an emotional affair is at least forming if not already happening). You said he's in a similar situation so am going to assume in an unhappy relationship. Say your partner finds out about you and him, will he be able to offer you shelter? Doesn't sound likely, so you're in a worse situation then before. It sounds like your relationship is over and while I understand it's easy to just bury your head in the sand the best thing to do for both you and your toddler is to leave. If you have family, near or far reach out to them, they might be able to offer a way out, a roof over your head, help with your DS while you're going back to work and a support network you don't have where you are. There's nothing holding you there (no job, no house, no healthy relationship) so no real reason to hang around in a place where you're alone and isolated, go where you're loved and cherished and let them help you!

Milkand2sugarsplease · 28/01/2024 23:28

Your toddler would be fine in a hostel for a short time while you get sorted. They'll weather more damage from the hostile environment you're currently raising them in and the examples you're setting about relationships and valuing themselves.

Make your plans and leave, for both your sakes!!