Am I a terrible person son to be contemplating an affair?

[FootballFanGirl]

Please be kind. I understand this will hit a nerve with some people. This doesn't necessarily mean I'm going to act on it. I think it's more of a fantasy or a need rather than having the audacity to actually do it.

Me and DP are in a rubbish place at the minute. He's lazy, rude, treats me like absolute crap and shows me absolutely no affection or intimacy. He bullies me about my weight, the way I look, things I do, literally everything. He treats me like a maid. We have a toddler but he does absolutely nothing. He's very selfish in the he sense that he only thinks about himself and his needs. He's not supportive and frankly I'm so unhappy now. This isn't how I envisioned my life. I just want to feel loved and wanted and have a partner who wants to be with me and treats me well. And I know people will say just leave, it's not that simple. I've no friends or family at all and live in an area that I am not from so am quite isolated. DP supports me and DS financially. I don't even think I want to have a physical affair. I think it's more an emotional need. I need someone to fulfill me emotionally and just be a shoulder to cry on. I have a neighbours who is much in the same position as me. We confide in each other and we also have some quite flirty banter and theres definitely a spark there although we've never discussed it or acted on it in any way. We act like very good friends. I find myself thinking about him a lot and confusing in him more and more and him the same to me. I know it's wrong but in my head I'm having all these thoughts of me and him just running away together and being happy and I feel bad and guilty. I love my DP even though we aren't in a great place. I'm struging to get my head around all the feelings and emotions that I am feeling at the moment. I've told DP how I feel in the sense that I feel like there is no love anymore, no intimacy and he just treats me like crap and this relationship is a relationship of habit. He didn't disagree but also said "I am responsible for my own happiness" which is true but he's not even willing to listen or understand, we've argued and h s gone to sleep in the spare room. I find myself sat here and my heart is just breaking b cause deep down I know our relationship is over but I can't bring myself to leave. Hence these thoughts I'm having about someone else. I think it's a fantasy rather than playing it out. I don't have the balls to ever do it, or the confidence but am I wring to even be thinking about it?

I know I'll get som stick for this but I would like some outside input or even just a kick up the arse.

OP, I personally feel you're making excuses.

There's plenty of options, if you really wanted to.

I promise, once you leave the situation, you will feel better.

Make contact with a local Women's Hub

Leave your husband. An affair would complicate your life horribly.

If, when you’re properly single, your friend is still around, you can look at it again.

But for now- concentrate on your child, and getting free of your husband.

Having Affairs are very dangerous. If a partner finds out things could get nasty very nasty, is it worth it for sex?

@FootballFanGirl i know its against the majority of perspectives, but the reasons are a mix, and do what you need to do, if it helps you be happy etc then choose what is best for you and if that means an affair then thats your choice, that said if you have an affair treat your phone as if your an intelligence agent in the field, always wipe after each message, no unsuall messages eg use cover words, always have a reason for x meetup, basically always have a plan b,c,d etc

Some shocking advice on her.
Having an affair is not safe.

What if her husband goes crazy when he find out and gets violent.
Things can have serious outcome.

Your playing with people's lives and emotions.
Talk about sitting on your own doorstep too.
Crazy post.

I agree @dottypotter .

@FootballFanGirl Do not listen to any advice encouraging you to cheat. These people won’t be around when it blows up with catastrophic consequences. Even if no physical harm the aftermath of cheating can be massive.And why should his actions make you lower yourself to infidelity? You’ll probably feel guilty at some point afterwards.

While I absolutely understand your desire to feel, wanted, seen, hear, loved, appreciated etc, an affair isn't the solution.

You are living a very complicated life st the moment and the last thing you need is further complications and the fall out from that.

There's also a reason most affairs, especially escape affairs, fail to turn into anything. It's because the pressure to make it a success destroys the relationship and it can't process in the same way that dating can.

You also are in a situation where you can't accurately judge how you truly feel about your neighbour. Everyone is going to look like Prince Charming when compared to an unsatisfactory husband.

Leave your partner, find your feet, give yourself time to heal and recover. Only then, contemplate a new relationship.

Take all that emotion you're 'investing' in a possible affair and redirect it into getting into counseling for your anxiety and OCD. An affair, even an emotional one, is a destructive force. Counseling and building yourself up can only be positive for you and will give you the strength you need to leave this relationship.

As far as your friends and parents, how did you 'grow apart'? Is it at all possible that your NSDP has influenced you against them or alienated them from you? Did they disapprove of him or the relationship? Has he badmouthed them or told you they don't like/love you? Have you 'drifted yourself apart' from them because you don't want them to know the way he treats you? Think about this very carefully. If any of this rings true to you, then reach out. What do you have to lose? They are probably praying for your call. Sure, you may have to hear 'We told you so' a few times but it will be worth it to have their support. They may not have the answers you need, but they can be the shoulder you lean on. And perhaps a proverbial door will open somehow allowing you to move closer to them.

You can leave this relationship. It may not be easy, but it can be done.

Aww, you poor love
I'll be honest, OP, I was ready to slate you before reading your OP. Having been cheated on by my ex husband, I am staunchly anti-infidelity. However it would take a heart of glass not to be moved by your story!
I am so sorry you are going through this.
In the ideal world, you'd leave him, but I understand that the reality and practicalities of this are scary.
Best of luck x

I'd just throw myself on the mercy of my family and go home. Sort out child support and start afresh with new plans and family support.

He's lazy, rude, treats me like absolute crap and shows me absolutely no affection or intimacy. He bullies me about my weight, the way I look, things I do, literally everything. He treats me like a maid. We have a toddler but he does absolutely nothing. He's very selfish in the he sense that he only thinks about himself and his needs. He's not supportive and frankly I'm so unhappy now.

OP you say you love your partner, but why? He sounds completely unloveable. You really need to get out of this relationship it sounds dead in the water.

Normally I’d say fill your boots and have the affair, but there’s a risk you’ll get hurt more. What if you really fall for your neighbour and want to have a future with but he wants to stay with his partner? It could get messy and backfire on you.

Please try to find the strength to leave.