To stop at 2 kids to protect my mental health.

[elcee23]

My husband and I have always dreamed of a bigger family but I've struggled badly with PNA and OCD after both pregnancies and I don't think I can do it again. He will be so disappointed but I know he will also completely umderstand and support me. My head knows it's the right call to stop and just be thankful for what we have but I am really struggling to make peace with it. Please tell me all the wonderful reasons to stop at 2 so I can put the idea to bed and move on.

(I am so, so aware of how lucky I am to have two happy and healthy children, and I know we'll be happy without more, I just can't shake the feeling that I might regret not going for number 3 when I'm older and will wish I'd taken more mental health support to get me through a few tough years to give us the bigger family we always wanted.)

I think that sounds really sensible, two kids is a great number and like you say I’m sure your husband will be supportive of the decision. Better to stop with 2 than push things and for everything to start to break down

Of course YANBU at all. It sounds like you are making the best decision for you and your family.

That's sounds very sensible. And it may well not be a final decision depending on your age. You might just need to have a bigger age gap and you may feel more able to handle more in a few years.

Please tell me all the wonderful reasons to stop at 2
The planet.

I'm sure the two DCs you have are amazing and bring you lots of joy already. Would another DC really bring you any more? Are your current DCs lacking something that a third will bring you? I doubt it.

Three is a lot - it can be hard to find enough time for them. Two is right for most people.

Same as me OP - exactly where my head is at.
2nd baby due any day ... and I'm already making peace with just having 2 for this very reason. I think it's better to have a stable/grounded Mum than more siblings.
I genuinely struggled after my first baby (for numerous reasons) - my mental health being one of them ... with this pregnancy I've struggled in my mind more than I did in my first pregnancy.

🫶

2 is fine. I always wanted three children but I know a third would tip me from coping to not coping.

You’re very sensible and insightful. You know yourself and your limits. I stopped at 2 for similar reasons and I am so pleased I did!

Well I wanted 2 but stopped at one because not only did I nearly die 3 times but so did my unborn daughter. It was really hard coming to terms with this. My condition is likely to repeat itself too. On top of that we were very sick her first year of life and she was a very high needs baby.

So we stopped at one for these reasons:

1. Having another one if all that repeated might strain our marriage to the breaking point.
2. It's better for our daughter to have a mother and no siblings, than to have a sibling and no mother or worse neither.
3. Daughter watching mother be extremely ill for nine months, mentally checked out and then watch a new baby eat up her parents time and attention following all that probably would not be good for her.
4. It's okay to put my needs first because in this case my needs and also serve my daughters needs.

Please tell me all the wonderful reasons to stop at 2

Being able to use an ordinary sized car!

I might regret not going for number 3 when I'm older and will wish I'd taken more mental health support to get me through a few tough years to give us the bigger family we always wanted

Your existing children don't deserve to have a mother suffering with PND just because their parents wanted another child. No matter what support you have your poor mental health will affect your children.

Be greatful for what you have and put your existing children above your wants.

The only reason I'll have 3 is because our 'one more' is twins. I'm very nervous about how we'll balance three children with work, hobbies, social life etc.

2 feels like a good number to me. The thought of 3 has me overwhelmed.

If you stop at two, given what you have said about your mental health, you can really nurture the family you've got. Your kids need you to be as well as possible. It's the responsible and wise thing to do. Reality of family life and parenting is very different to the dream!

I stopped at 1 for the same reasons!

Please don't beat yourself up about this, you have two children and that's perfect.

YANBU.
Two is a lovely perfect even number, gives you more time to focus on the two you have. They'll give you so much joy, you don't need a big family.

I always wanted three, but then became a wheelchair user in the early years of my marriage and subsequently found pregnancy and baby/toddler years extremely challenging.

From five months pregnant with the second I couldn't look after our first on my own, and struggled for quite a long time after the birth too. That's several months of my eldest's toddler years I wasn't there for her as I wanted to be.

It was worth it for them to have a sibling to grow up with, but after that I felt that the needs of the children I already had should come first and it wasn't in their interests for me to be laid up for months at a time if I could avoid it. Not to mention the massive financial hit we took as a family when DH had to take extended leave from work to look after me.

My youngest is 10 now, I have no regrets. I made the right decision for my family.

I desperately want a third child after my two lovely ones. My hormones were all over the place , so loved up full of oxytocin. The crazy GP said 'get a kitten' .
I didn't but the hormones died down, life moved on, we started to get rid of the baby stage stuff, the nappies, the toilet training stage, and life just became easier, more fun, more family rather than logistics.
Now it seems like madness that I ever wanted a bigger family. The two I have are different but similar and although I've enjoyed each stage, moving on has also been joyous.
My observation with friends with three is that by the time the third is in year 6, they've been their done that, not that bothered. Tired of primary school logistics, tired of caring about GCSEs, tired of funding uni. Maybe Better to just quit when ahead with two.
I was one of two.
DH was middle of three, very anti three.
Sil was youngest of three, also anti three.
Good luck, either way you will work it all out for the best of your kids but it's better for you to be strong in your reasoning.

Funny how the coveted "2.4 children" has changed over the last 30 years and now having 3 or more to have your own "tribe" seems to be the new preference.

I'm another who stopped at one, primarily for mental health (and physical health reasons). My DS is everything to me. I'm not willing to risk the impact on him of a relapse - either physically or mentally.

I have three and it is hard. If your MH is fragile (not meant disparagingly) then a 3rd is probably not the best idea. It has been a struggle at times, the TV programme "Outnumbered" is called that for a reason.

Three means a ball-ache when booking holidays. Life fits 2+2 much better, cars, housing, tourist attractions.... Depending on your gaps it can be hard to find things to do for all the ages.

Definitely take a break after two and re-evaluate. I have two and it's perfect. Enjoy your two; savour them; appreciate them; let their personalities develop. Don't rush it.

Unlike many UK women, I waited an extra year between mine so DDs are 3 years apart. This, I think, made a huge difference because DD1 had her feet properly under her before DD2 arrived. Taking a break now gives both of your DC a chance to show you who they are and gives your body a chance to build resources for if you decide to have another.

For me, the second birth was equally but differently dangerous and the second DC was an easier infant but when we had a pregnancy scare DH and I both realised that we were through at 2.

They are still a joy.

Thank you so much for all your responses. It's been so helpful to read your own experiences and also to be given the blunt honesty that is swirling around in my own head but feels more real and validating for some reason coming from someone else!

I know the best thing for my two lovely kids is to stop now and make sure they have a healthy and present mum in their lives when they are both so young and need me. I haven't been able to bring myself to make permanent arrangements for my one year old's baby things but I think for the sake of drawing a line under the whole thing, they have to be given away and I can then focus all my attention on enjoying my children in the present instead of making myself anxious about our potential future.

Very true. It definitely feels like the right thing to do in that sense.

Dreams are just that. They're not based in reality, and nobody has any idea whet they're getting themselves into when it comes to parenting.

As sensible adults, you now know the personal cost & relentless nature of the work, and are making an informed decision to create a new reality-based dream of a content, healthy, happy family.

I'd take that anyday over an arbitrary headcount based on observing other families.

If you need pros:
2 sets of hands - 2 kids.
Spare cash not so thinly spread.
Time and attention not so thinly spread.
Life is set up for families of 4 not 5+
....I personally felt a third child would take away more than they would add for my existing 2 children, and that's assuming an NT child without potential additional physical or emotional needs.

All the best for a healthy, happy future.