To stop at 2 kids to protect my mental health.

[elcee23]

My husband and I have always dreamed of a bigger family but I've struggled badly with PNA and OCD after both pregnancies and I don't think I can do it again. He will be so disappointed but I know he will also completely umderstand and support me. My head knows it's the right call to stop and just be thankful for what we have but I am really struggling to make peace with it. Please tell me all the wonderful reasons to stop at 2 so I can put the idea to bed and move on.

(I am so, so aware of how lucky I am to have two happy and healthy children, and I know we'll be happy without more, I just can't shake the feeling that I might regret not going for number 3 when I'm older and will wish I'd taken more mental health support to get me through a few tough years to give us the bigger family we always wanted.)

Sorry to hear you are struggling wuth similar issues. Seeking help from the GP helped me a lot after my second and I really wish I'd gone after the first instead of crumbling in silence for months. Fingers crossed for you.

Sorry you've had such a tough time. Totally agree with your reasons for stopping and the idea, particularly for my older child to have to spend another 12-18 months watching her mum be very unwell which I know is totally unfair.

Thank you. Excellent advice and I think exactly what I needed to hear!

I had straightforward pregnancy and no mental health issues pre or post birth. But I know my limits, and our limits as a couple. We are doing well with one child, I don't think we would do nearly as well if we were parents to more children (no family support whatsoever, it's all on us). Also I'm aware that while I'm enjoying watching my child grow, learn and develop, if I'm honest with myself I don't really still want to still be in the baby/toddler in another three years - I'm glad that's nearly behind me. I'm enjoying doing things with my son as there's a novelty element, whether it be park visits, toddler groups or toilet training. But I've no desire to do all this again with another child. So we're stopping at one for our family's wellbeing - you're definitely not unreasonable to stop at two.

I only had one after a traumatic birth where we both nearly died, and had an emergency caesarean. Then re admitted to maternity for a post op infection. Had PTSD and couldn’t go through it again, my husband was supportive.

Because it's better to be healthy and happy for the kids that you already have. Do it for them if not yourself.

The planet.

You only have 2 hands.

Family rooms in hotels cater for 2 children.

Chicken kievs come in packets of 2 or 4.

That is funny.

Don't you think it's better to have more children for the planet as we'll need all the help we can get to solve the climate crisis and navigate the future environmental challenges?? She's talking about 3 kids fgs, not 10.

Also OP, it's fine to stop at 2, you do what's best for you because that's what's best for your whole family.

1. The planet your grandchildren will live on.
2. The resources - financial and emotional - your existing kids will get to enjoy
3. The amount of help - via inheritance they will be able to inherit to ease their and your grandkchildren’s lives
4. The sheer practical ease of booking hotels travel - with 2 + 2

Christ. What have I read? “we'll need all the help we can get to solve the climate crisis and navigate the future environmental challenges?” - are people really genuinely this deluded?

We always wanted a big family. (3 or 4 kids). We had two and for various reasons, decided two was enough. I was sad about it, but moved on. Many years later we had a surprise baby number 3, and I love him so, so much, and I wouldn’t change him BUT 3 children is so, so much more work than 2. Maybe it’s the dynamics of having a teenager, tween and toddler, but I do find it pretty tough going sometimes. Someone pointed out that 3 children is 50% more work than 2. Which is an interesting way to look at it! I don’t know how old you are OP, but could waiting a few years and reevaluating be an option? I am glad we had number 3. X

YANBU and I think it's very sensible to stop at two. I have two and am very glad I didn't have any more. Our second DC has turned out to have some SENs - not ones that impact on our lifestyle or mean we can't do anything - but he needs quite a lot of attention and input from us and with only two we've been able to provide this. Money is another big one - with two we can afford to give them both a really good childhood with many enriching experiences. With another DC to pay for each time those experiences would've been fewer and further between. And then there is the planet and where do you start with that? But every western DC will likely turn into a heavy consumer of planetary resources, so keeping families small is the responsible thing to do.

I had wanted 3 children and stopped at 2 because I realised that is all I was capable of. The people I see with more kids are all happy living with more chaos, mess and noise than I am capable of. It's ok to know your limitations whatever they are, and more than that it's unfair on yourself and others not to know them. Make peace with it

Yes i am stopping at 2 for similar reasons.

I go proper loopy with hormones, each pregnancy and for a while after i have felt on the brink of insanity.

I don't feel i could mentally or emotionally cope with 3..then runs the risk of the quality of home life and parenting slipping..

I had to accept i am who i am, and whereas other mums may nail it and thrive with lots of kids...i can not and that is ok..its better for me to accept i wouldn't manage then pretend i am superwoman and my whole family crumble.

Also due to it being harder coping for me i dont feel i would navigate hobbies/extra curricular for 3 simultaneously..whereas 2 i can. So they would also miss out there.

Then there is the financial difficulties, that a jump to 3 would need a bigger home, higher bills/outgoings and to struggle to cope emotionally and then have to push to better finances i felt i would be setting myself up to fail :(

Then there is also the fact i am older and by the time a 3rd would be feasible..i would have to navigate teenage years in my 50's..with my family history i am not taking the small chance i would be the lucky one to dodge early onset parkinsons, heart disease ect (given i already have shown signs..natural high cholesterol ect)

My DH would have liked 4, I was happy with 2. I did feel broody when youngest was about to start school but I also had PND after DC2, and my mum died when youngest was 1, and I didn't know how I would cope without my mum in the early days (I know lots of MN are very much "get on with it types, but I felt I sometimes needed reassurance, even if just a phone call from my mum)

Now the eldest is hoping to go to university later this year , I'm looking at the cost of that and relieved that we've only got 2!

3 isn't a great number as one always gets missed out. 4 is too many. 5 is actually damaging for the youngest (research shows) 2 is good!

This made me laugh. So many great reasons to stop (I totally agree with the seripus ones) but 4 packs of chicken kievs has tipped it for me!! Two it is!

I have two. I did have a broody yearning for three but I'm so, so glad we stopped at two for several reasons:.

1. The world is overpopulated and each child contributes to climate change. No one needs more than two kids. I almost see it as an indulgence to keep replicating your genes.
2. Life is just easier with two, everything is geared towards two kids - cars, holidays etc.
3. now my kids are teenage/pre-teen I'm very relieved I only have to go through this twice. Three teenagers would finish me off. Yes children are cute and loving when they're little but wait until they're teenagers and your very existence pisses them off.
4. this is the most important reason - having two children means I can give both children lots of my time and attention, both individually and together. As they were growing up I realised just how important this was.

Oh the teenage years. That's something I hadn't even thought of! 2 teenagers close in age does sound like plenty!

So your solution to the planet being on fire is to expand the population further? Okay…

OP my husband is the middle one of three and has dreadful middle child syndrome. He has very poor relationships with his siblings as he always felt so left out as a child. He was adamant we had 2 or 4! (We had two)
And actually, nearly everyone I know that doesn’t get on with their siblings is from a three child family.

I don't know if there is any research to support this, but several of my friends who suffered from severe baby blues have also suffered badly with anxiety and feeling low in peri menopause - hormones I suppose! So maybe easier dealing with two teenagers in your 40’s than three!

Thank you, this is is what I need to remind myself of. Their needs over my wants is exactly the right way to put it and knowing how I feel during pregnancy and after, it would definitely be selfish to put them through this again. I know all this in my head, just need to accept it and focus my energy on the two we have.

I just want to add, it's quite natural to feel very broody for another when you're in your fertile years but from my experience all those broody feelings go out the window from your mid-40s! By then, most women are perimenopausal and often a bit grumpy and tired. Certainly at that age my oestrogen levels had dropped and all desire to have a third had disappeared. I just thought "Thank God I stopped at two".
Don't underestimate the power of your hormones and realise you'll feel differently when your hormones change and you get older.

I was going to say this. I wanted three so badly it hurt for several years but I knew I wouldn’t cope, partly as I was barely coping with the two I had and it just didn’t seem fair to them.

If your youngest is only 1 I’m not surprised you feel like this. I have a 6 month old and, despite knowing I couldn’t cope with or want a third, I still find myself feeling sad that this is the last time I get to have a baby. This is the last time I get to meet a human I have created. I find myself occasionally thinking about a third despite taking a lot of persuasion to have a second. I know practically, emotionally and financially it would destroy me but the theory is lovely. I have been so defined by pregnancy and small children the last 3.5 years that it’s almost scary to think about what life will look like on the other side. I often wonder who I will be when I’m not so needed!

I know though that the seasons will change and life will feel good in a different way as the DC get older. I know that my new normal will change so much over the years that I won’t have the time or brain space to pine for a child that never existed. I’m looking forward to change, even if it is quite scary to comprehend. I’m looking forward to enjoying my children hopefully while being slightly less sleep deprived and frazzled

Sorry, a bit of a waffle but I hope you find some peace with your decision to stick at 2.