So so guilty for all the money I have wasted

[EbonyWood]

Not an AIBU as such but posting here because I know this space gets a lot of traffic and I need a bit of encouragement/advice.

I have a shopping problem. I have no savings and nothing to show for all my years working so far. Today, I decided I will finally clear my wardrobe out properly (I do it every now and then bit only get rid of a handful of things). I have so many items with tags still on, I will be donating them all. It’s just so hard because I am quite literally able to see the price tags and all that wasted money.

I am about to start therapy, I think a lot of this problem stems from low self esteem and the need to impress others.

It doesn’t stop at just clothes/shoes/bags - it’s toiletries, shower gels, perfumes, moisturisers. Mugs, cups, water bottles, pretty crockery. Everything and anything you can think, I have bought it.

I tried putting myself on a no spend January that failed spectacularly.

I don’t have the time to sell most of this stuff, bar a few bits I know that will be worthwhile.

Is anyone able to advise here? I am riddled with guilt and feel horrible about myself. I have failed. I guess it’s no different to any other addiction but I feel like addiction to buying things is always brushed off as not as serious. But in reality, it is. If I lost my job tmrw, I would have nothing apart from worthless stuff all around me.

I like to think I really care about our environment because I carry a reusable cup (but I have 5 of them) and recycle all my boxes that the crap I ordered turned up in. But in reality, it’s just not possible to be conscious and consume as much as I do and I feel dreadful about it.

many advise on how to get past this guilt and stop buying would be really appreciated. My mum was just the same as I was growing up and I don’t want to be the same as her.

Stick them on vinted

I would absolutely try to sell the new with tags bits.

Selling stuff can give you a bit of a rush so it might help with the shopping issue as well, as you'll get your 'high' elsewhere. Especially when you see the amount you have made build up.

Well you've made a start in that you've decided to clear your wardrobe.

Don't think too much about it. Get started and put everything in your car to take them to a charity shop asap. You'll feel better once they're gone.

Console yourself knowing that people will buy your items and be glad of them.

No advice but solidarity, I understand how you feel I think I do similar because of low self esteem and not feeling quite good enough. I have been a sahm as my son has Sen and it has been a fight to get the right support, I think I have used browsing for things and buying things as it takes me away for a short while, I also love old/vintage thing that have a story so if I see them in the charity shop am compelled to buy because I might not be there again 😯. I think because I feel a bit worthless and have given up my career and never moved up the property ladder I buy nice things to surround myself with when I should of been saving, sorry that was long haven't said that outside my head before x

The best advice I can give you, OP is that tomorrow is a fresh start, so put the guilt aside. You're starting over.

To stop yourself can you pause and think 'WHY am I buying this' for every single purchase? If you can honestly mentally decide that you are buying it because it is necessary, then fine.

If you are buying it as a treat, or because you are stressed, or because it is a random whim - then put it back! Step away from it. If it's online, by all means put it in a basket - and then go back to it at the end of the month and decide if you still want it.

I also want to add that social media is the worst. I follow so many fashion accounts, which make my algorithm pop up with more. It’s like I can’t get away from temptation to buy stuff!

I tried to come off social media for a while but in all honesty I need to be on it for my job.

Really @EbonyWood If you have clothes with tags on I would try and sell them and stick the money away somewhere as start of savings. I realise it takes time , but that is time you are not spending shopping. If any clothes can be returned do that first.

I do think shopping is "a thing" & can get out of hand for some people. So it isn't trivial. If it helps you my mother told me when she was young and couldn't afford things she coveted them. Now she is older she thinks "I could afford that if I chose to but I'll leave it "

Best of luck and I would try to sell a few things so you can start to build up a pot of savings. You can't do anything about what you have done in the past but you can start from today.

Best of luck 💐

Sell them in bundles. You DO have the time. The time you've spent on this thread you could have posted a listing.

Don't be hard on yourself, but don't tell yourself that you don't have time, because you do.

I used to buy way too much - I've definitely improved but its a work in progress.

The biggest revelation was realising that I can see something beautiful in a shop & appreciate it but that doesn't mean it has to come home with me.

I often snap a photo of items I like + the tag & then if I am still thinking about it a day or so later I can go get it, or if someone asks what I want for my birthday I can send them ideas. But honestly, once I'm out of the shop I rarely think of it again.

I mostly buy secondhand (charity shops or sometimes vinted) but keep a note on my phone of what I actually need / am looking for, so I don't buy duplicates or things I don't really need (I.e. at the moment I'm looking for flared jeans and a Mog The Cat book - so I'd only browse the jeans and books section of the shop)

Don't donate them. Sell them. You say you don't have time...but even if you sell the lot off slowly you'll be better off than donating them. Vinted is very quick and easy to use. I'd do that

I also really don't see the point of getting rid of the stuff. You've already spent that money. The stuff is yours now. You need to work on not buying more. Getting rid of existing stuff seems rather pointless unless you do it for money

I helped a very good friend with this. We roped in my DD (18) who sold it all on vinted for her at a 25% share. Then the cash (£2300) was put into a premium bonds account. If DF wants to buy something over £10 - clothes etc - she has to use this £ (the rest is organised into debt repayment) which means there is a built in 2-4 day buffer as she has to tranfer. This allows her the joy of filling. basket but then she has to set up teh transfer etc and during that time the impulse fades. She has spent £80 so far on careful thought out Xmas gifts. She has also sold further items and paid down debt. We're all so fucking proud of her - and her of herself. Try and use what you have spent to understand that without action you will continue at this rate. Stopping in the first step, selling, pay down the debt and change your life. Take care op, it is not your fault, the world has gone mad and we are acquesitional animals.

The guilt feeling has already served it’s purpose and got you to take action to change things. Continuing to feel the guilt to the point that it might derail the change you’re trying to make is unhelpful. So try to recognise and tell yourself that you have no need to feel guilt right now as you are taking action to address the problem.

Try to think of it that every item of clothing has an enviromental cost and a human cost (in terms of labour). This isn’t meant to make you more guilty, it is too easy to see the monetary price tag and overlook what went into producing it. So make it real and that may help you to at least slow down the spending.

Someone may be working in a sweat shop under terrible conditions to produce the item of clothing that you want to buy; fabric dyes used may be released into the sea as toxic waste which turns the sea black and harms all kinds of sea creatures - think of turtles or something else that you care for. And then the microplastics that are in many fabrics and come out in the wash - may harm you or your dc later in life when they have accumulated in the body.

Do any of these examples resonate with you enough OP so you can stop and think before buying again?

The money you spent has gone now and you've admitted you have a problem
That Is a chance for a fresh start
Download Vinted if you haven't and start listing the BNWT clothing It's easy and you can do that when you would've been browsing online
I bought too much during a manic episode( I'm bipolar) and have got rid this way
You can then start saving the money you've made
It doesn't matter how long it takes, just that you start
You may benefit from counselling to address the root of the problem
Please don't feel you've failed most people have a crutch during a difficult time, yours has been over buying.
If you happen to have a willing teenager you could ask them to list for you for a cut of the profits!
Good luck

I could've written this a few years ago. I'm still not sure why I did it - liked a bargain, bought into the idea of the perfect outfit/item that would make my life so much better, etc.

I ended up having a huge clear out. Sold some stuff but donated the rest - there was a women's refuge asking for toiletries, I put aside a small amount for me and sorted the rest into little wash bags for the refuge so I felt a bit better about getting rid.

Then since I try to just stop - not buy anything (hide my credit card sometimes) unless it's on a list of things I definitely need. I regularly look through my wardrobe to make sure I have everything I need, have a small space for toiletries and if it can't fit into the space, I take it back, etc etc.

I've turned off all social media notifications, removed myself from mailing lists, unfollowed accounts that usually influence me to spend (even created different Instagram accounts for friends/work/shopping etc so that I can use sm the way I want without people selling things to me).

It's not easy, it's like a bad habit you need to break. Like you, I feel a bit sick at the amount of money I've spent over the years.

I think it's interesting that you say your mum was also like this and that you think it comes from insecurity. The people I've known who have been compulsive shoppers have had unstable childhoods, often financially, in ways that caused a lot of shame at the time. Buying things seems to give comfort but also to prove to themselves that they are worthy because they can get this nice thing. And also a security that the stuff won't leave them, when maybe people will.

Would keeping a journal - physically or on your phone - help? The thing you wanted to buy, how you were feeling when you wanted it, why you want to buy it? Then you can make yourself wait a few days, read it back and see if you still feel like that.

At the risk of making everyone think it's suddenly 2015 again... maybe consider reading Marie Kondo's The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up?

I actually did the whole thing, and this is how it helped me which might be relevant to your situation:

• Thanking things that I was discarding helped me come to terms with the money I'd wasted. e.g. 'Thank you for showing me that gold sequinned boob tubes aren't really my thing'
• Once I'd got rid of so much stuff, I was a lot more thoughtful about the things I bought

I donated or binned most stuff but, as recommended by others in this thread, I did enlist a friend who'd been made redundant to eBay anything which I thought might get some money.

My first thought was Vinted too.

Anything with tags and anything in decent condition should be easy enough to sell and it will channel your attention and energy elsewhere. Selling can offer an alternative activity to buying.

I know you think about how much money you spent and you won't make that back if you sell stuff.
But change your thinking... that money is gone and if stuff is in cupboards it's achieving nothing.
Sell it, or charity it. Look forward not back.

Can you try a boot sale if you don't have time for online selling? Price everything at £1 and it will go fast.
Then try putting limits on your cards so you can't easily impulse buy. Or just take enough money with you for a coffee.

I am also a shopaholic. It's related to OCD, you may have other symptoms eg eating disorder, body dysmorphoa, hoarding in general, OCD is much broader than people just washing their hands.

Definately sell the things if they have tags on. I have a strict rule where I let things sit for a specific time frame say a week, if it doesn't sell I lower the price and wait again one more week. If it still doesn't sell I donate it. Once you have commited to getting rid of something make sure you do send it on it's way, if you are likely to back track just donate it immediately.

You need a clean slate to start from which it sounds like you're doing. Look at the space and finances you have and set limits on how many of any one item you can allow yourself to own and how much is the maximum value of the item. For example you allow yourself 2 pairs of jeans and say you won't spend more than 70 on each. Try clothes on in the shop. Only buy things you 110 percent love and will wear and that fit amazingly. Just because something is one sale doesn't mean you need it or that it's good value. Don't buy clothes for a fantasy version of you eg don't buy suit jackets and expensive shirts if that isn't your daily work wear or flamboyant dresses if you don't attend those kind of parties and only go to the local for a quite glass of wine. Don't buy clothes for past you, I often see things that 20 year old me would have loved and could never have afforded and I buy them but they don't suite me now I'm 35.
Look in to why you are buying these things, you don't necessarily need a therapist to help you out. I grew up very very poor and only had a handful of clothing as a child and teen because we had so little money. I am now well off, and I know a lot my reason for over spending is trying to buy comfort and security. It makes me feel safe to have things. Your reasons could be very different but once you understand them you can talk yourself down from purchases with a rational mind. 'i don't need this dress I have one very similar and I haven't worn that enough yet.'

Make a spreadsheet of your spending and it will hurt, but record everything. Food clothes etc. every single penny that leaves your account. You might find that it ties in with certain times of year, do you spend more when you have winter blues etc or lines up with work or home life stresses. You might find it's random and constant but at least you will like exactly how much you are actually spending. It's very hard to tackle a problem when you can't fully see it. It's easy to spend here and there and not realise how much it adds up.

You mentioned clothes but I also have hobbies or ideas of hobbies, and I buy books and bits for the painting I don't have time for or the gym I don't go to any more. You need to refuse to buy any more until you use what you have.

You may be able to swap your shopping problem for a healthier fix, I find yoga and running very rewarding and once you have done them for a few months they scratch a similar itch. You get a dopermine fix from the exercises and it's a much better habit than spending and obviously is much cheaper!

I hope some of that use useful, you can definitely manage it and turn it around now that you have noticed it. You just need to be very mindful.

I'm quite into minimalism and you may also find things like Swedish death cleaning helpful, lots of videos on YouTube on the subject.

It’s really interesting - we also grew up poor. My mum relied on benefits for much of my childhood. But, she always managed to find a way to shop and buy herself new clothes. She constantly had new things in her wardrobe - nothing expensive but still more than she should be buying I’m sure. And she’d make a big song and dance about showing me, telling me what she’d wear it with etc.

Our dinners were often beans or egg on toast. I might ask if we could cook a cottage pie, for example, and my mum would say no, because it were too expensive. Yet, she’d been off into town to buy something new a few days prior.

I also had to start paying rent at a very young age and buy my own basics like tampons/shampoo/shower gels etc as mum wouldn’t for me.

In all honesty, when she bought new things, it was the only time I knew her to be happy.

If you do decide to sell a pile of stuff. Put a day aside. List it all. Buy some poly bags with self seal strips on eBay. If you don’t have packaging it won’t happen. Then when sold take to a drop off once a week where labels are printed for you. Put your dispatch day in the listing (copy and paste). Once in the swing it’s really quick and easy.
if you sell say £300 you can tell yourself you earned £100 an hour. Worth doing.

@EbonyWood

If they are good quality clothes, footwear and bags take them to a dress agency and they will sell them for you for a percentage.

They are out of your home and you get something back.