So so guilty for all the money I have wasted

[EbonyWood]

Not an AIBU as such but posting here because I know this space gets a lot of traffic and I need a bit of encouragement/advice.

I have a shopping problem. I have no savings and nothing to show for all my years working so far. Today, I decided I will finally clear my wardrobe out properly (I do it every now and then bit only get rid of a handful of things). I have so many items with tags still on, I will be donating them all. It’s just so hard because I am quite literally able to see the price tags and all that wasted money.

I am about to start therapy, I think a lot of this problem stems from low self esteem and the need to impress others.

It doesn’t stop at just clothes/shoes/bags - it’s toiletries, shower gels, perfumes, moisturisers. Mugs, cups, water bottles, pretty crockery. Everything and anything you can think, I have bought it.

I tried putting myself on a no spend January that failed spectacularly.

I don’t have the time to sell most of this stuff, bar a few bits I know that will be worthwhile.

Is anyone able to advise here? I am riddled with guilt and feel horrible about myself. I have failed. I guess it’s no different to any other addiction but I feel like addiction to buying things is always brushed off as not as serious. But in reality, it is. If I lost my job tmrw, I would have nothing apart from worthless stuff all around me.

I like to think I really care about our environment because I carry a reusable cup (but I have 5 of them) and recycle all my boxes that the crap I ordered turned up in. But in reality, it’s just not possible to be conscious and consume as much as I do and I feel dreadful about it.

many advise on how to get past this guilt and stop buying would be really appreciated. My mum was just the same as I was growing up and I don’t want to be the same as her.

If you have time to browse for new stuff then you have time to sell what you don't want.

My ex sil is a shopaholic. She's wasted money all her life. When she divorced db 17 years ago she got a mortgage free house and still took out a small mortgage.
I remember she ordered a new garden table and chairs and the unopened one from last year was still in the garage.

It's an illness and needs tackling like any other addiction.

Sell on Ebay or Vinted. Why not get a few quid back?

Chop up your credit card - or at least freeze it in a block of water (available if there is an emergency but stops immediate spending). Disable cards on your phone/watch and with Paypal.

Hoarding disorder is a recognised psychiatric illness, sometimes connected with history of poverty

Might be worth exploring

This sounds so relevant to me. I’m going to have a look into it.

thank you everyone for your kind ideas and suggestions. I ended up putting 2 bags together and took it to a ‘thrift store’ (I should have mentioned I don’t live in the U.K. at the moment!). I will get some money back for the stuff I have dropped off once they have time to go through it all.

Please sell the unused and good condition items and start a savings account. That will boost your self esteem. Then every time you go to buy something put that money in to your savings first. Then really think do I need this or want it.

I'm a shopaholic and I developed a small ebay retail business to channel my urge to splurge so that I a) get a buzz off sourcing and selling stock and b) raise money to buy my own stuff or c) pick off the stock I want for myself and sell the remaininder to cover costs.

I sell products that I would buy cosmetics and skincare mainly.

It's the only thing thing that helped. Probably isn't as good as stopping buying stuff completely but it definitely helps me scratch the itch.

If its a addiction your doctor might be able to guild you to the right help. Therapy is a start but it could be you have a addictive personality. Could even be adhd so go to the doctors and have a chat

I definitely struggle with “comfort shopping” and realised I was getting more of a buzz from buying (online) than actually receiving/having stuff. Identifying this helps me check if I actually want the thing or I want the feeling of buying the thing, although it’s very much a work in progress. If you’re on insta I’d recommend My Frugal Year, she talks a lot about this sort of thing and has loads of advice in a really kind, nonjudgmental way.

I ended up having a huge clear out. Sold some stuff but donated the rest - there was a women's refuge asking for toiletries, I put aside a small amount for me and sorted the rest into little wash bags for the refuge so I felt a bit better about getting rid.

This. When I had my big clear-out, i set a price limit it was worth trying to sell over, the rest I gave to charity and thought about how happy it might make someone worse off.

A big yes to therapy, otherwise you will fall into the cycle again.

I think you probably need some kind of counselling to really understand and stop this behaviour.

Two things I do to curb my which might help in the meantime:

If I see something I am tempted to buy, I take a screenshot or photo and save it to a Pinterest board. Knowing that I have it remembered somewhere takes the panic out of missing out. Mostly I never actually end up buying the thing.

Secondly, when I am getting rid of anything I don’t let myself have an easy way out. For example, boxing everything up and dropping off at a charity shop is easy. Listing each thing to sell or finding a proper home for something takes a lot longer. It makes me think when I am tempted to buy, how easy is this going to be to get rid of when I don’t want it anymore? Will it go to landfill or will someone else want it?

It's an addiction, a mindless habit that gives a rush of good feelings in the moment.

You don't have to beat yourself up about it though. Nor do you need to feel bad about the money spent. Be kind to yourself. Be compassionate.

You had some problem and you dealt with it the best way you could. Now you're trying to turn it around and do better - give yourself credit for your impulse to donate to charity and above all the plan to get therapy.

For a plan as you start to deal with the problem, I'd suggest:
Subscribe to SM that is uplifting and not temptation.
As examples -

• The Latest Kate - an uplifting artist offering MH affirmations on Instagram.
• AuriKateriina - a Finnish woman who cleans people's completely filthy homes for free, with enormous empathy and joy. It's good to see garbage being cleared away, and the kindness and understanding. Accounts that focus on cleaning will keep you inspired to keep your home free of clutter and shame.
• Furniture rehab/ recycling, and art accounts. They may direct your mind to creativity.
• Any Instagram accounts that focus on nature - birds, otters, kittens, dogs, parakeets, gardening, building stone or wood houses in wild places, etc. The more of these you follow, the more you'll find in your feed, and eventually you'll end up listening to a lot of lovely birdsong, laughing at funny cats, etc.
• Any craft or activity you're interested in, like crochet or hiking or travel or architecture or the history of London, or whatever.

Then sort out what you'd like to sell and what you'd like to donate.
Bring the donate pile to the charities you've chosen asap.
List the sell pile online. If items haven't sold in six weeks, take the listings down and donate.

Allow yourself to go shopping for fun only on the last two days of any given month, and carry a certain amount of money, in cash. Leave your cards at home. DO NOT shop online.

And also -
Set up a Pinterest account and 'collect' virtual clothes online.

@EbonyWood

https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/hoarding/helping-someone-who-hoards/#:~:text=Use%20respectful%20language.,about%20their%20things%20this%20way.

Any of these suggestions resonate:

• have separate "work" and "personal" SM, so you can get a break from it away from work.

• you mentioned that just after buying things was the only time you ever remember seeing your mum happy. Sounds like there might be something in that, quite a deep childhood pattern/conception of the world, to possibly investigate, journal on, or work through with a therapist or through self-help. Consumption doesn't equal happiness...

• related to the above, consider the Marie Kondo "spark joy" approach - if you've still got things new with tags and never worn, then it's likely not about actually enjoying the item, but about acquiring it. So what, more healthily, could you replace that with? A nice coffee/cake, a trip to the cinema, pampering yourself in a bath/with a manicure etc, going for a run/lifting weights, what would make you feel great about yourself and in yourself? Exercise and being out in nature are both good for the dopamine hit you're getting currently from shopping, so you might be able to replace that high more healthily.

• Disconnect all the payment apps from your phone/computer, so there's more friction between seeing and buying.

• Put things in a basket without buying, and "save for later", or take photos/screenshots and then commit to not buying until 7 days later. If you genuinely want it, you'll still want it then. If it's compulsive, the break can help.

• Think about what else you could use the money for. Is there a trip of a lifetime you fancy? Something big that would genuinely enhance your life? Something you feel really passionate about. Every time you feel the urge to shop, don't, but put the same amount of money into savings towards the big thing. By the time you reach the big goal, you'll likely have acquired a saving habit rather than a spending one.

• Make lists before buying. The list only contains things you actually need, and you can only buy things which are on the list. No impulse purchases, because you've pre-empted yourself on that.

Ok - I have done is disconnect my credit card from my phone. It’s no longer on Apple Pay/Amazon.

I have deleted Zara/Matches/Net-A-Porter apps.

The difficulty with my job is that I work in fashion - so it’s in my face constantly. I have even considered quitting my job and going into another industry, just to get away from from it.

This. Sell off anything that you don't like and would never wear, but keep whatever is good quality and useful. Then don't buy anything else until you need to. This is what I did as a recovering ebay addict!

The only reason I’m getting rid of stuff is because I have too much and it’s getting me stressed out! I wear only a handful of the stuff I have. So the rest has to go, unfortunately!

Take pictures of the mountain of stuff, all new with tags on, and look at them every time you think about getting the credit card out.

Just be careful if you sell these things that you don’t get a compulsion to then spend the money you’ve made.

I have a relative whose life has been destroyed by shopping addiction, they had a good job but acquired huge debts without really having anything to show for it. Lost their house and now has nothing but huge debts. Please look into counselling, I think this runs a bit deeper than just enjoying shopping.

Oops, you work in fashion. That's tough. Can you have a capsule work wardrobe of basics that aren't distinctive (all black etc) so nobody notices the clothes aren't new? (Sorry if that's naïve.) Or limit yourself to only acquiring freebies, if you get them?

My advice is this:

Instead of focusing on a rigid budget, start to dig into what your shopping is really about. What is behind your spending?

Shopping releases dopamine (just like wine does) and it gives us a little boost. So, in that moment when you press confirm purchase on your computer or phone what feeling in you is it serving? Is it fear? sadness? boredom? etc

Spend some time really thinking about this- what void is it filling in you and why. Then, once you have self reflected on this (do this completely non judgementally btw, you aren't judging yourself, you are just curious what its about) consider how you can fill that void by things other than shopping. Excessive shopping is often connected to grief so have a think about that too, if thats applicable.

Once you've done that, and come up with some strategies for self care that don't involve buying stuff, then you'll be ready to budget and set out some limits for yourself. You definitely need to consider your "why" though as setting a budget without examining this will mean you keep failing.

When you get that urge to buy next time, stop for five minutes, take a deep breath and go within. Ask yourself, what am I feeling right now, what is this really about, what do I need right now? My guess is, it isnt really a new pair of jeans or a new face cream. It might be a craving for love, safety, relaxation, a hug, someone to chat with you, or just a distraction from some uncomfortable feelings. Deal with that first. Shopping addiction is never really about genuinely wanting more stuff, its usually a way to self soothe.