My mum and her boys

[BrillantBriony]

I’m 40 and my partner and I have been together 8 years. We are very committed; own our home and are parents to our gorgeous labradoodles. The missing part of our family is a baby.

I have 3 brothers who are the apple of my mums eyes. My eldest brother married 2 years ago and was divorced within 6 months (infidelity on his side with multiple women). Our parents paid for the wedding (£100,000). My middle brother just got married our parents paid £100,000 plus yet they are now separated - less than a year after a very lavish wedding. My youngest brother is now engaged so wedding talk has begun.

All the while my partner and I - who are not married. Are struggling with the cost of IVF and the prospect we may not have children; our hearts are really breaking. And it’s devastating watching my parents spending crazy money on weddings which are completely overinflated just to prop up my brother’s egos. I’m really not comfortable asking my parents for money - they are the kind of parents who offer the help, one doesn’t ask.

My partner jokes that we should just get married, but honestly I couldn’t smile through a wedding - our focus is IVF not small talk, celebrating and drinking through money.

Would really appreciate some advice. My partner says I should confront my parents about their unfair treatment. But I’m really not comfortable with confrontation tbh I’d rather just step back from the family than argue with them. My parents are not stupid they know they have been unfair.

Swallow your pride and ask your parents if they have set aside an equivalent sum for you

It’s not your partner’s call to make, they’re your parents and you know them well enough to know whether confrontation is going to hurt you more.

I really don’t want the money for a wedding though tbh I’d be happy getting married in a registry office surrounded by the few friends who love and know me. I’d rather the help with IVF but my parents never even ask how it’s going with IVF, if I’m OK, how I’m coping etc… which makes me feel like I don’t have want to
ask.

Have you asked your parents for IVF money? They might not realise you’re struggling/ not getting it on the NhS.

They are obviously emotionally unintelligent, they don't understand what the challenges are of IVF or what you are going through.

I'd be really surprised if they were not just wondering why you hadn't got married and thinking that IVF wasn't a mask for something else going on.

Get married and take the huge sums of money and split it between IVF and a slightly fancier wedding??

Why are your parents spending such insane money on weddings. What benefit does it give them? Would they get the same benefit from you having a baby?

Do your parents know you are struggling to conceive?

While they may be very son/wedding focussed, at the moment you are the only one in a steady relationship and actively trying to create grandchildren.

The prospect of not having grandchildren might well focus their minds.

Ask them directly- but don’t be surprised they say no. Which would be a crappy thing for them to do but up to them

I don't see any harm in asking them if they have set aside the same amount of money for your wedding, and if so, would they mind it being used for IVF as you are struggling.

If they refuse well then you know where you stand and if it were me I would be pulling right back.

This.

Are your parents the type to disapprove of a child born out of wedlock? Maybe this is why they haven’t offered you money towards it. Or, they are possibly clueless to how much IVF costs or think you are getting it all free on the NHS. It’s not right of course so grasping at straws here for their reasoning.

Only you know if you are comfortable asking for money and what their reaction might be.

So let's say you and your partner named the date for a wedding... would your parents pay for it?

Maybe they have heard that people trying with IVF need privacy?

Just ask them. You have every right to.

I think most people are clueless to the costs of IVF. Both financial and physical. Your parents likely won't have a clue unless you tell them. But you don't seem clear as to if they want to be told.

Have an honest conversation with them. Explain you are planning your future and that you don’t want to have a lavish wedding, but is there any chance they could help you out with IVF instead.

You have literally nothing to lose by asking. Worst case scenario they say no and you can move on with your life knowing they are heartless and not worth your time.

I would ask them. They can only say no. With your brothers' track records they might be glad to help towards the possibility of a grandchild.

Maybe they don't agree with ivf or worry you may think the money has strings.

If you need help with financing IVF and you think they could afford to help, you need to swallow your pride and ask them.

They may not be asking you for updates on your IVF for fear of upsetting you, as obviously you'll tell them when you get pregnant, so no news is bad news in this case.

Do your parents disapprove of you not being married?

Can't you just pay for your own IVF or get it on the NHS?

I wouldn't pay for IVF for my children unless they were married. I'd be worried about their commitment.

What are your thoughts on marriage?

There doesn't need to be any confrontation. Just tell your parents that you have intentions to marry, and if you ever do it'll be a small, intimate wedding. Then ask if they'd consider using any money set aside for your wedding towards IVF. Sitting on this without speaking to them about it will only cause further resentment and a rift in your relationship.

If you are in a committed relationship why not get married? Your parents may well wish their dgc to be legitimate. I wouldn't care if my 2 DGS's were legitimate or not but some older people do still care. If they gave you £100k too you could do a wedding for a £20k budget and use rest for IVF.

Just ask them. They may not “value” IVF so you may not get the answer you want. But it’s definitely worth a conversation.

@BrillantBriony £100,000 for a wedding???? wtf! they obviously have money to throw away so ask them to throw some your way!

Just ask for the money, explain how difficult it is and how important it is too. What’s the worst that can happen? They could say no and you might feel resentful, but you feel that now anyway 🤷‍♀️