My mum and her boys

[BrillantBriony]

I’m 40 and my partner and I have been together 8 years. We are very committed; own our home and are parents to our gorgeous labradoodles. The missing part of our family is a baby.

I have 3 brothers who are the apple of my mums eyes. My eldest brother married 2 years ago and was divorced within 6 months (infidelity on his side with multiple women). Our parents paid for the wedding (£100,000). My middle brother just got married our parents paid £100,000 plus yet they are now separated - less than a year after a very lavish wedding. My youngest brother is now engaged so wedding talk has begun.

All the while my partner and I - who are not married. Are struggling with the cost of IVF and the prospect we may not have children; our hearts are really breaking. And it’s devastating watching my parents spending crazy money on weddings which are completely overinflated just to prop up my brother’s egos. I’m really not comfortable asking my parents for money - they are the kind of parents who offer the help, one doesn’t ask.

My partner jokes that we should just get married, but honestly I couldn’t smile through a wedding - our focus is IVF not small talk, celebrating and drinking through money.

Would really appreciate some advice. My partner says I should confront my parents about their unfair treatment. But I’m really not comfortable with confrontation tbh I’d rather just step back from the family than argue with them. My parents are not stupid they know they have been unfair.

You say they are paying for lavish weddings while you are struggling with paying for IVF - but it is not clear if they know you are struggling to pay for IVF and/or if you said you were planning to get married, would they be likely to want to pay for a wedding for you like they have with your brothers? Or is it a case that your brothers generally get this type of treatment and you are left to your own devices?

If you are not bothered about a big wedding then why not just go ahead and book the registry office and arrange a small meal or whatever you want to do. Tell your parents you are getting married. If they then get into discussion about it being a small affair versus a big lavish wedding - you can then say that your priority is IVF which is extremely expensive and you don't need a big wedding in order to celebrate being married. The marriage is the important part at the end of the day.

It is possible they will then offer to pay for a big wedding for you - but in that situation, if it were me, I would say "thank you, but we really don't want a big wedding and it would be hard for us to enjoy an expensive wedding while we are struggling with the cost of IVF". It's not directly asking but it's making the point. How they respond to that will tell you all you need to know.

I think their treatment of your brothers is a bit of a red herring here - and I'm speaking as someone who's siblings were favoured disproportionately. If your parents want to spend out on lavish weddings and have the means to do so, then that is ultimately their choice and their look out if the marriages go tits up.

You cannot force them to change their priorities but is it possible they don't understand your situation properly?

I wouldn't ask them but I would let them know about the cost and toll of IVF in a general conversation.

I think your partner is right.

Thanks everyone. It’s really hard to assert myself with them. I did hint at the unfair treatment to my Dad who responded ‘well we paid for your education’. They have been very outspoken about the cost of living but it really hasn’t impacted their lifestyle, but I just feel that the cost of living is going to be a retort. Yes my parents are aware of the costs of IVF my mum has friends whose daughters who have been through it.

You should talk to them , i honestly think that my mother would not have the foggiest idea how much ivf costs or what it entails, they may not know either.

I'm so sorry about your fertility struggles OP. I've been there, we spent our savings for a house deposit on it, luckily for me it worked but I haven't forgotten the awfulness of it. For a long time afterwards if I heard people moan about the cost of nappies or whatever I'd feel like screaming but you got your baby for free!

My parents had money put aside for all of our weddings, it wouldn't have occurred to them to use it towards something else. I think you need to ask if they have money set aside for your wedding too, and tell them you don't want a big wedding but need money for this. They may insist its a wedding only gift which is really unfair or they might pull through for you. They obviously are wealthy. Its very sad that they don't ask you how are you getting on, maybe they think they are not privy to this information? I think you should start involving them in your situation. I never spoke of my fertility struggles with my family and didn't want them asking, so we are all different and maybe there is some miscommunication.

Best of luck OP xxx

Have they put the money aside mentally for if you wanted to get married?

Could tou just say to them the cost of IVF is so expensive and you're not fussed for getting married, so if they had been expecting to pay for your wedding too, could you please have money for the treatment instead of a wedding?

Yes, it seems unfair but your parents don't seem very emotionally intelligent. Sorry.

I wouldn't expect anything from them given they know your situation and haven't offered.

I would however get engaged and then mention you want a very small wedding as IVF is your priority and where you want do spend any money you have. It's unlikely to do chance much but you & your partner appear to want to be married anyway.

My mum had 1 boy and 3 girls. The sun shone out of his arse. My aunt said it was always striking, if you talked to her she would spend an hour on some small accomplishment that most people would take for granted, like moving to a new job (not saying that is nothing, but bear with me) and then throw in at the end that one of her daughters just got her masters degree or something as a passing comment. One of my uncles finally commented on the disparity in how she talked about (and treated us) and the next time I saw her she was shocked and put out that my uncle said that. She was even more shocked when I laughed and said of course it was true, she had been doing it all our lives. The point I am making is, are you sure they notice? I know that sounds like a silly question, but my mother was genuinely stunned whereas the entire rest of the family agreed with my uncle.

Do they know they're being unfair though? They pay for weddings, they don't just hand out £100k to everyone but you. Perhaps they think you will get married and the money would be given then. Perhaps they think if they give it now and also then, thst would be unfair. I think you should talk to them, but in no way 'confront' (How very entitled of your partner if that's the word he used!) Tell them that if they are thinking of helping you in the future with a wedding, then you'd prefer the money now. If you're the sort of family where £100k gifts would be accepted without embarrassment, it seems daft to be mealy mouthed about asking.

My mother really doesn't seem to see the disparity in treatment between myself and my sibling. Looking back she has done it our whole lives. Not money in our situation but attention.
If confronted it would be absolute denial that she cared more about sibling, gave more support, generally just bothered etc.
It's up to you as to asking whether or not the same money has been put aside for you. But be prepared for the fall out that could follow.
Sorry, that probably doesn't really help.

But if you’re not planning on getting married how can it be unfair? I think if you were planning on getting married and they didn’t pay the same amount to your wedding then yes it would be unfair.

If you definitely aren’t going to get married then ask your parents directly for money. Do they even know you’re having ivf it’s not clear from your post? If you don’t ask you won’t get.

Yes they have helped my siblings with buying properties. As my siblings tend to let my parents make decisions for them. Whereas I’ve always struck out and sought to think for myself.

I don’t think we would get married until after a successful IVF and a baby. TBH we will probably just elope without telling them. They know I’ve had IVF and that we are saving for more rounds.

I'd tell them you are planning a registery office wedding and ask would they be willing to give you the money saved, to use on IVF. Don't leave it and have regrets.

I would just mention to them how you're feeling!! And how you want to go through IVF and costs etc and they may offer.. Baby talk can be really difficult with someone who is trying to conceive, they might be scared what to say??

Your parents helping you is ‘up to them’ and ‘their choice’.

Is it?

I venture none of us has the right to be unfair or unkind, particularly to our nearest and dearest and particularly about big things.

Maybe their view is that weddings are a definite, obvious outcome whereas IVF has no guarantee that the money will achieve the intended outcome.

Of course, your brothers have shown there's no guarantee of a successful marriage, but hey, they definitely did get the wedding so the money wasn't wasted!

Sadly I know a few people who would totally think like that.

I wonder how the stats for divorces stack up against stats for IVF nowadays? Can imagine they're pretty similar.

Do they disagree with the idea of IVF, for religious reasons or something?

For the cost of her brothers’ weddings she could have several rounds of IVF though. Traditionally the parents fund the wedding of the daughter, not the sons, so it’s weird they’re focusing the other way round. It sounds like blatant favouritism, unless they’re under the impression OP’s other half is minted, or his parents are.

Wow just seen the date of last post - wish they would highlight this or put these older posts in a different colour. Sorry OP, hope your parents learned ho to be more loving and fair towards you and you are successful in your IVF journey 🩷

I had fertility issues op, so I understand.
As the mother of a dd, and I know this sounds old fashioned, but I wouldn't be funding ivf for her and her partner if they weren't married.
I would want her to marry first to get the legal security of a permanent commitment.
Ask you parents if they would consider a lower budget wedding, and then the rest money for IVF? You need to speak directly though.

You have already decided not to ask dp for money. You say they know their lack of offering is unfair. That's it then.