To be so happy and fulfilled by one child that I don’t have another

[Oneanddoneortwotobethrough]

I have a 2.5 year old who I adore, I’ve adored motherhood and giving them all my time and energy. As is the way of life, a second baby discussion comes up now and again and we are mulling this over. Both of us (DH and I) really enjoy our life now and the joy our DC brings us. We’ve really found our new normal and enjoying how much easier things are now but still really enjoyed the babyhood stage. I cosleep, extended breastfeed and basically cater to all needs day and night of our LO and I am more than happy to do this. I can’t quite imagine another baby coming into the mix and 1) not getting the same amount of attention as my first 2) my first child no longer the amount of attention and struggling.

Sometimes when I talk to other parents they will say they didn’t want their first child to be an only child and I know the old trope of “only kids are weird” but WHY? do people feel like this? I’m genuinely curious, where does this come from? My child is so gentle and kind with other children, shares even though it isn’t developmentally expected and has some very close cousins we see weekly and spend lots of time with.

I don’t think in real life people often willingly say (nor should they, really) regret their subsequent children but I wonder if people would be willing to share with me if they’ve had similar thoughts around more than one child and what decisions they made and how they feel now?

Did you really think about it, go for it and love having more than one? it’s hard to answer but I’m hoping for experiences of people feeling similarly.

For full context, we can afford more children and finances are not of concern for our decision making which I know is very important and an incredible privilege.

I’ve never heard anyone say that only children are weird. If you want one child just have one child, you don’t need anyone else’s validation for it. There’s loads of advantages to having one child, and to having more.

I always wanted several children, but had my first and he was perfect and I was done with one. Unexpectedly fell pregnant again and my DD is every bit as perfect and loved as DS. Not one single regret about having her, she’s just as loved as her brother. I’m sure it’s not the same for everyone though. But you are happy and your family is complete, that’s great!

Everyone has different views and experiences, not all siblings get along for a start.

i felt a bit like you with dd1 but one holiday dd was playing on the beach and all the other families seemed to have siblings playing together. Dd tried to play with some but they were so tightly bonded it was hard. That was when our conversation happened and we decided we’d have another… then I got pregnant with twins, like god was having a good laugh! (They’re 12 and 15 now and I wouldn’t change a thing).

Life with no children/one child/two children will vary hugely and you can only go by your experience and what makes you happy. We’d be a lot richer financially with only one dc but my goodness those twins make me laugh. Swings and roundabouts, and you’ll be judged whatever so do what you want.

I have an only daughter who is 5 yo and I really adore her and don't think I would have adored another child like the way I adore her. I am not having another. The only time I thought about another child was for her to get a sibling but not for me as I am satisfied with her. It's definitely not weird, but the people who comment like that may be weird.

I don't know why people ask this - you should have however many children you feel you want and can care for.

This "don't want the child to be an only child" thing presupposes that all siblings get on well. We all know that this isn't true.

I’m an only child with an only child. I knew the minute I had DS that I did not want any more children because I loved being an only child and wanted the same experience for him. But everyone has to make up their own mind about these things because there is no right or wrong answer and what suits one family may not suit another.

I did mention I was asking for experiences, this is an online forum for advice and feedback xx

Only children aren't 'weird'. HTH.

Have you not? I don’t agree with it but hear it a lot! No idea why. Thanks for sharing! X

I would never regret my second child

Thanks for sharing! A lot of people mention having a sibling for their child so they have family and a support system but I agree, lots of siblings don’t offer that (and actually the opposite, myself included) so in a perfect world, they have a sibling and they love and support one another but in many instances this doesn’t happen. A total roll of the dice

We have one only through choice. I can’t imagine how we would split our love and time/attention without one of the children missing out! We’re fortunate we can give DD everything she wants. All trips, clubs, parties, days out, holidays etc. She’s always made lots of friends on holiday too!

I had similar concerns before having my second child. The difference was, I desperately wanted to have two children. Having gone ahead, I can honestly say that I have no regrets.

I do put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure that they both have the level of attention I want to give them each day though. It’s doable (and worth it), but it’s more tiring than having one.

There’s no right or wrong and only children are definitely not weird! If you’re happy with one, don’t pressure yourself to have another because of stupid people’s comments. You know what works for your family, trust your gut.

Of course yanbu to only want one child, but there is a huge amount of prejudice towards only children in our society. You see it on MN all the time.

My dd is an only child, not through choice but I wouldn't now have had it any other way. She is an adult now and I have no regrets at all. She has never been lonely - she has tons of friends and far better social skills than I ever had despite having grown up with siblings. She is has never wanted a sibling, and doesn't feel that she has missed out.

Do what's right for you and your family and don't worry about what anyone else thinks.

One child is all it takes to give you the experience of being a parent if that is something you want. Each to their own after that.

I've felt like this, our DS is 4 1/2 and had for the most part been an absolute dream. Our life is lovely, relatively easy, good juggle or work and social, nice holidays etc. It's taken us to this point to realise we wanted another and now I'm 14 weeks pregnant and so excited for another little one to join us. It does cross my mind that life will change again but we've had chance to just enjoy him so much and now at the point feel totally ready for another and just will adapt our life again as required.

Our 10yo is an only by choice. I had a miscarriage when he was 2, but we decided we were happy as we were.

He’s happy. Rarely asks to have friends over, even though he knows he can. We’ve got time to give him attention and indulge his interests. We take him away individually as well as on family holidays. Equally we can do our own thing more- DH is coming back from a week’s skiing today.

DS is lovely with his younger relatives, I’d say he’s well adjusted.

That's absolutely fine to stay as one OP, you sound happy and measured.

Be aware that 'the brood may come later- I didn't want a second until DD was 4!'.

If I'm being brutally honest, I do believe that in most cases (yes there are scenarios where it doesn't pay out!) that a sibling is the best gift you can give you child, though.

Most people I know only have 1 child. Thats because they built careers and had them relatively later in life.

They are all extremely happy and never mention wanting more children.

I guess it all depends what you want from life. Most of my social circle will be retired or semi retired before or not long after their DC start school as they are all financially secure due to 20/25 years of work.

Others prefer to have children young but that’s of course often a trade off with financial security.

People should just choose the path they prefer. Neither is better or worse than the other, they are just different and result in different benefits and drawbacks.

Honestly, I would be more worried about the idea that the child makes you so happy and fulfilled that you don’t want another one. What happens when they let you down? As they will, sometimes in small ways (none of my dc have liked art😀), and sometimes in big ways. No child should ever be responsible for their parents happiness or fulfilment.

That said, it’s fine to stop at one, if that’s right for you.

I know a couple of women who knew they were done with one. I thought I was a ‘no kids ever’ person and ended up with three, love it but it’s hard hard work. I’ve never questioned anyone about how many or few children they’ve decided to have, but I know one friend gets questioned about when they’re going to have another even 7 years down the line, I know it irritates them. But I have three boys and still get asked if I’ll try for a girl - absolutely not. You’d think being a single mother of 3 wouldn’t even raise that question but some people will try and dictate what a woman should do with her fertility regardless of the situation!

If you’re happy with one child then you’re not weird. A child needs love and provision, siblings is not a necessity.

As a younger sibling, I find the notion that I might have been conceived as a "gift" for my sister...basically as some kind of accessory to another person...deeply offensive. I truly hope that my parents didn't think like that.

Awful attitude.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves as you do 🤷 as a younger sibling, I think it's quite likely that my existence was measured against whether it would be beneficial or not for my older sibling.

I have two (grown up) daughters who are each others best friend and they've always been that way, from the word go. So from my experience having more than one child meant they always had, and have had, each other for company, though I appreciate not all siblings are that lucky. I grew up in a family of 3 and though there is quite a large age gap between me and my siblings, I feel close to them and when we lost our parents, knew there was only them who understood truly who I felt at losing our mum and dad.
OTOH, I am married to an only child and you can really tell the difference. He and his parents are extremely close, sometimes stifingly so (to the point he pretty much tells them EVERYTHING which makes me uncomfortable). He won't make a decision without involving them to some degree, can be quite petulant and selfish on occasions and has been spoilt rotten by them both. God job I love him eh 🤣
Now that they're very elderly though, he has nobody else to rely on for their needs, other than me and obviously I'm not the same as a sibling would be. He's stressed beyond belief because they're both quite poorly and are starting to lean on him more and more and he has no one else to shoulder the load. My MIL also lost a pregnancy when DH was little and I know he's often 'missed' his sibling and wondered what they would have been like.
So I guess what I'm trying to say, in a long winded way (sorry) is that I've seen both sides, and from my personal experience, I'm glad I have siblings and more than one child. But honestly, do what suits you and your DH. It's nobody else's business after all. Good luck with whatever you decide

I had DS(12) at 25 and he is an only child by choice. I kept waiting to feel ready to have another and it never came!! Once he was about 6 I told DH I was done (he was happy as alread has 2 from previous marriage) and it brought such a weight off my shoulders when I made the decision. No regrets at all, he is happy, confident and very sociable. I think that being forced out of the home comfort bubble actually might make only children more adaptable socially as they have to put themselves out there. That only thing he sometime struggles with is banter amongst his peers - he's not used to being wound up for the fun of it like siblings do so sometimes takes it to heart!
I wondered if as I get older and my 'biological clock is ticking' I might get pangs of broodiness but nope! I honestly cannot imagine going back there.

I'd always hoped I'd have more than one child. However, after having my only daughter, a serious illness was triggered and I decided I wouldn't have any more.
My daughter grew up close to my nephew and niece (born in the same year as my daughter)and really didn't miss out. Now they're all grown up and the girls, having grown up in the country, daughter graduated,and niece in final year of degree, are having the time of their lives sharing a flat in London.
No-one's opinion of how many children other people "should" have matters.