Help me help my 4 year old

[carwas]

My just turned 4 year old can't write her name yet.

She's starting to learn phonics at nursery, which is great.

I really want to support her in learning to write her name. She likes colouring and drawing a lot.

I was speaking to one of the other mums in my DD's class who said that ' she finally got her DD to write her name properly a couple of months back ' and it took ' a lot of work '.

I've also tried to encourage my DD to write her name but she gets really annoyed and stubborn and doesn't want to do stuff if you try to push her ( even if we do it in a fun way ). We really encourage her and praise whatever she does do.

My husband says I need to spend more time helping her write her and the reason she can't is because I haven't bothered. But I have tried, I just notice she gets frustrated and doesn't want to do it. Maybe I'm trying to support her the wrong way ?

But the fact this other mum said she really had to push for her DD to finally be able to write it, made me think. Because I literally can't push my DD or she gives up. I'm worried I don't know how to help her because she shuts down a bit when I do ' try '. I had just left trying to help her write her name and instead encourage her to do colouring in with pencils and I've bought lots of things to help strengthen her muscles. Like plasticine and different games to help her strengthen her muscles basically.

Lots of the mums in DD's school say their children can already read and write sentences and they're 3 and a half - 4 years old. It's stressing me out that I'm not doing enough for her. But when I try, she doesn't want to do it.

Leave it.

DS1 was very young (just turned 4) for Reception, and only knew a few letters when starting. His name is very long which didn’t help. He would sign his school work with his initial at the start. He’s now on Year 3 and an avid reader and excellent academically.

DD2 was already 5 when starting, knew most of the letters, and could write her name (also very long). She’s now half way through Reception and doing very well academically, but not obviously better than DS1 was. So, I’d say the advantage she had, although it seemed massive, is not at all obvious 4 months in.

Relax. If you want to do anything, encourage her love of drawing. Holding the pencil and strengthening the muscles in her hand (also any other fine movements like Play-do) will do more for her development than an arbitrary goal of writing her name. And don’t associate pencil work with being forced to do stuff she doesn’t like.

Those other parents are probably exaggerating. But it really isn't as big a deal as it feels - they all pick different things up at their own pace. My one who read early refused to write or draw at all and was late potty training... It sounds like she is developing normally, I'd take the pressure off her, don't worry about it!

My DC could recognise all the letters of the alphabet several months before he turned 3 and spell out long words. But he’s now almost 4 and can’t write his name (he does have a crack at it but it’s just squiggles). I’ve never given it much thought though TBH - just assumed it’s something they’ll learn in school.

What exactly is your husband doing to help, other than tell you what you're doing wrong?

Have nursery raised any concerns? School or private?

My boys are the same age. One writes a 7 letter name correctly, mostly. Sometimes letters backwards. Sometimes the whole word backwards. Sometimes misses an i.
Other one has a three letter name and although he can spell it, he struggles to get the letters in a line and the s is always backwards.
Same egg. Same Mom. Same school.

I only get them to do their name when I need it. So they sign their own cards, they put their name on their homework etc. when it didn't look like their name, I'd just write it underneath and tell them good try.

My DC could write her name very early but then refused to do it again for about a year 😆 Have you tried writing with fingers in salt or shaving foam? On the steam of a window? In sand? Forget pens or pencils for now and make it fun.

Nursery have not raised concerns. It's a school nursery, part of a private school.

Stop worrying! Concentrate on building her fine and gross motor skills, so not just Play Doh and mark making but her gross motor skills are very important - physical activity in playgrounds, jumping, climbing etc. Gross motor enables fine motor skills to develop more efficiently.

Many parents exaggerate their child’s abilities so ignore them and don’t compare your child, you will however likely get this throughout primary so learn to ignore/nod and smile.

For starting school it is more important that your child can use the toilet independently, take coat and shoes on/off, be able to listen and follow simple instructions, share, etc.

A lot of parents say a lot of things.

She's 4, she should be playing not working.

You don’t need to do the school’s job, that’s for the school to do.
Your job is to raise a happy, confident child who can do things appropriate for their age. Can she feed herself, drink from a glass, dress/undress herself, take turns with other children, take herself to the loo, talk clearly about her feelings etc? Yes? You are doing a great job.
Your husband on the other hand seems hell bent on undermining your daughter to have already learned the things she is going to learn next year. Maybe have a conversation with him about how inadequate he feels and projecting that on his daughter.

Yes she does all those things. Although sometimes struggles to take turns. But she's improving a lot there too.

I wouldn’t worry, my 5 year could could write his name when he started school but we had been teaching him the “wrong” way according to the school so he had to relearn which he found quite difficult.

I would defo say build the fine motor skills as this will help.

Dont listen to other mums, most children who can “read” at that age are doing so from memory rather than actually blending the words.

She's fine.

Speaking as a reception class teacher, plenty of them can't write their names when they arrive into school. That's completely normal.
I'd say, in an average class, perhaps 20% can write their names pretty well. Another 20% can make a recognisable stab at it. Another 20% can write one or two letters of it, and the other 40% have no clue.

And all the parents of the 3.5-4yos saying they can already read and write sentences, are talking total bollocks.
I've been involved with Reception children on and off for 16 years now, and can only remember 3 who came in already reading (2 of those were on the Autistic spectrum), and ZERO would could write a sentence. And this is across a diverse range of settings, from leafy upper middle class to deprived inner city.

Yeah sounds about right! My ds genuinely could read when he started school (he absorbed it when older sister was learning, much to her annoyance) but he's autistic so he has plenty of other struggles, I'd rather he be average at reading but find the social side of life easier. Having read at age 3 or 4 doesn't have any benefit to him now at secondary!

You really don't need to worry about this. She's not behind, you don't need her to start school ahead of where she's expected to be. Chill. And tell your husband to chill too.

The only thing our school ask is for children to be able to recognise their name written down and you said she can do this.

There are lots of LEARNING TO WRITE books on Amazon (and others). I used them with my children & grandchildren. Tracing, copying etc with zig zags, swirls etc. Get pretty coloured pens & pencils. Sit with her at the table. You could photocopy some pages so you each do the practice, or buy 2 books. Make it fun, not a chore. It's about handling the pen/cil, not writing her name. As she gets control she will want to do more. Think up games that include letters. When she is more aware of her peers writing their names on their work, she will want to join in.

Really interesting thread, thank you for starting it, op.

I must admit I, like your dh, was slightly pushy with getting dd to learn to write her name as I felt she'd need it for the 4+ (we have one school very close to our house which we hoped she'd get into - she did, thankfully).

She learnt to read her name first: we got her really excited every time she recognised her initial letter on a street sign etc "oh look! It's a J for Jane!" [Not her real name] and then progressively all the other letters in her name "oh look an N just like in Jane!"

Then at nursery they wrote her name on the back of every piece of art she made, which is several pieces a day lol, so she wanted to do it herself. I think that was what did it. She can now write it just about legibly although her Y looks more like an I.

If school nursery aren't worried, you don't need to be.

Again I'll ask, what is HE doing to help her apart from make her mom feel bad

My 4 year old decided she wanted to write her name like her big sister so learned before she started school. Older one showed not much interest so I left it. When she started school at 5 she could do 2 letters of her name and that was it. It really doesn't matter either way. Follow her interests and don't push it.

Just play with her.... So much time when she is at school to learn all the other stuff.
My daughter was a pain in the ass if you tried to do anything structured with her (numbers, letters etc)... But then she started getting interested in these things and there was no stopping her.
She's nearly 7 and was in no way disadvantaged and is doing really well in all areas at school.
In her own time she will do it... No point forcing it... Enjoy the time you have together before she is at school.
The teacher won't judge you that she can't write her own name or read... They start off with picture stories (no words) to bring it all together and start learning to read. .. I think it's easier for them to start off with a clean slate and she will probably do a lot better without mummy being teacher too (I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean kids seem to want to do/please teachers far much more)

She's got the rest of her life to write her name. Just give her crayons and paper to play with. There's no rush.

I started school at nearly five. By the end of reception class I was reading fluently and could spell really well. I also found maths quite easy. However, I could hardly write at all. My writing age was about two years behind the other skills. It was years before I could write neatly and I have always been a slow writer but a very quick reader. At primary school I can remember writing was quite physically difficult and painful at times. As an adult, I have come to realise that I have a degree of dyspraxia. I now believe that I had not made up my mind as to which hand I was going to use as l have always been very mixed handed/ambidextrous. In the sixties the thinking was that the right hand should be encouraged in this situation. I think if l had been allowed to wait until I was truly ready to write l would actually have chosen the left hand as l use my left hand for many tasks. Had this made a difference to my life? Not really. At primary school I was at or near the top of the class and at secondary school in top groups. I have had a career as a professional musician. Please don’t worry about your little one. Four is very young to be writing. I think you are doing exactly the right things by encouraging colouring, cutting out and play dough.

Let school deal with writing and reading. Concentrate on the stuff that school won't do well. Reading stories 1 to 1, playing outside as much as possible, music, physical exercise, playing on her own with no adult direction, playing 1 to 1 with an adult.

She will literally spend hours writing her name when she's in reception, it's a huge waste of time and totally unnecessary to start doing it now.

My daughter had written her name once, with a lot of help, before starting school. By the end of week 2 she could write it perfectly.

Also, my mother always talks about the (excellent) reception teacher l had. In those days, parents were allowed no further than behind the school gates and the teacher would lecture them on what they should be doing. She would say that she didn’t expect the parents to teach their children to read and write as that was her job. Their job was to make sure that we could put on our coats and shoes because, as she said, “I don’t have time to put forty coats on children.”

Ah competitive parenting is the worst. Don't stress about things like that at your DDs age or you will stress her out and frustrate yourself. She is only 3. Let her develop her fine motor skills by allowing her access to paper, colouring books, crayons and pencils and eventually she will learn how to do things like write her name. At 3 though they are learning about their own sense of autonomy so the more you push her to do something she doesn't want to do the less she will feel inclined to do it. She will learn at school if she can't do it by then.

Mine were behind when they started school with phonics as they didn’t attend the school nursery as they were in all day childcare who didn’t do a great deal formal education wise (which I was perfectly happy with). DS left secondary with top grades and DD predicted to do the same. I seriously wouldn’t worry and I wouldn’t be pushing and making learning stressful. She’s so young and has plenty of time. I’d be pretty hacked off at your DH’s comments - what’s he doing to help her write her name?