Fair sleep rota (newborn)

[ScionTheFox]

We have a 3 week old baby. She does not yet sleep more then 1.5 hours at a time so I’m quite sleep deprived. She is BF but I pump at my husbands requests so he can help with night feeds.

He works and starts at 6am so I do all of the feeds Sunday to Friday with a view that he will help on a Saturday night so I can catch up on sleep.

I am really tired and I’ve had real trouble with my scar opening up this week from all the getting her in and out of her crib so many times a night.

However tonight on his night he has passed out on the sofa so my only opportunity for a night off has left until next week.

AIBU to be annoyed.

I think I’m more annoyed that I’ve spent today chewing my nipple off with a pump for no greater good!

Wake him up…

I’ve already tried, he just is groggy and goes back to sleep. I wouldn’t feel comfortable going to bed and leaving the baby in the spare room with him. Especially as he is not awake enough to take the time to listen to what milk I’ve prepared etc.

You can freeze your milk so it's never wasted.

it will get better.
Sounds like you're both exhausted, (assuming he's not passed out drunk). I can understand why you're annoyed but it's a waste of your energy.

That’s totally unacceptable from him. You must be so tired 😪

But you shouldn’t have to wait another week. He can do Sunday night and just be tired on Monday.

Yeah hopefully. Just getting resentful of him getting a full 8 hours every night whilst I struggle.

Unless he works with heavy machinery or is a surgeon - and if he’s not he can do more than one night a week as you’re pumping. Or else divide the nights so that he does hours before (say) 12/ 1 am and you after that.

Just wake him. He'll only be groggy for a few minutes. Seems silly tiptoeing around him and then seething with resentment over something that could be solved very easily.

Oh you poor thing. It sounds like you're both exhausted but ultimately he needs to support you.

Unless he's passed out drunk or there's another safety concern, I'd suggest waking him and saying you'll give him a few minutes to do whatever he needs to do (e.g. stand up, jump on the spot, or splash water on face) to be alert enough to fully take in your handover instructions. And then trust him to handle the responsibility.

If you don't speak up, what's to stop it happening next weekend and the one after?

It's a difficult adjustment all around but talking to each other and working as a team will make it a lot easier.

No wonder you are feeling resentful but I'd wait until the morning and spell out what your night was like. It's crap I know- my DH was on permanent night shifts when our DS was born over 20 yrs ago so there was just me anyway! Ideally- if you are still on mat leave he needs to step up and give you at least one night where you are free.
I remember many years ago DH asked what I wanted for mother's day- DS was maybe 8 months old- Go visit your mother and take DS and leave me to sleep was the answer- had a fab lie in, a bath and alone time.
It's hard but it's really unfair for one to have the luxury of 8 hrs sleep- I remember going to work having had 3 hrs sleep- a 2 hrs stretch then one more hour after that- was hallucinating I was so tired! I think you maybe need to just tell him ? He probably thinks you've got it covered if you have just got on and done it all yourself.

I’d give up pumping as he isn’t actually doing any night feeds. It’s very early days. She’ll sleep for longer soon. Hang on in there. This is the hardest bit.

What time does he get home in the evenings? Sounds crazy but if we were having a tricky week and I was shattered when dh got home at 5/6pm I would go straight to bed then. He would then have dd for the evening and do the last feed about 11pm. I would then take back over. It was just amazing to get 5-6 hours uninterrupted!

He finishes at 2pm

Then surely he can do more during the week.

Wake him up.

I hope you're not at the start of realising you've procreated with a lazy and selfish twat.

A partner can help out every night, not just once a week. Sort out some shifts that start with one of you going to bed really early, like @stardust40 described. Most nights, not just on Saturdays.

Many husbands manage to combine work and some night feeds. We used a cast iron rota and quickly learned to sleep through when the other was on duty. Trusting your partner to manage, get up to the baby's cries etc is critical to you letting yourself switch off and sleep.

It does get easier. Slowly sometimes, but it does.

It's better for you to breastfeed directly through the night, it's to do with your prolactin levels being higher at night, and in the early days, it's imperative that your supply is built up to where it needs to be at.

Are you getting up to pump in the night while he night feeds? Because if not, you're going to damage your supply. Really, it's pointless expressing to share feeds, and at night, it's damaging to your supply. It's more work for you to express.

Breastfeeding is so much better and easier done directly (apart from when there are medical issues of course). There are many other ways your husband can help out, such as winding, nappy changes etc. It would be much better for you to do all feeds, including night feeds, then he can look after baby for a couple of hours at a time here and there in-between feeds, during the weekend days for you to get some naps in.

You'll also help prevent bottle preference by feeding directly, at least for the first couple of months.

He can definitely help out during the week too. If he finishes at 2pm he could take the baby when he gets home until late evening an you could get some decent sleep then. As for tonight, if he’s missed it he can do tomorrow night instead

Sleep deprivation is the worst in those early days, but it really does get better in time. I know it's hard right now. I bedshared with my babies until they were toddlers and naturally night-weaned, I know that's not for everyone, but certainly for the first couple of months, it'll be so helpful and you'll get more rest by bed-sharing. Just ensure you follow the safe-sleep guidelines.

Absolutely wake him up! How utterly selfish of him. Sure he's tired, but he gets six nights of eight hours sleep. Absolutely do not tiptoe around him. You need sleep too! Wake him up and keep waking him up until he wakes up properly. What if you did that too? He's only doing it because he knows you'll have to do it. You don't get the choice to stay asleep. As somebody else said, what happens next week, and the next.

This system wouldn't have worked for us, and one of the reasons is that my husband doesn't wake up as easily as I do at night (like many fathers). You also need more help every day or you are going to end up exhausted!

Could your husband do all the evening feeds to midnight every day (or 4-5 times a week), and you get a head start by going to bed at 8-9pm? Then he can also take baby in the morning on weekends from 6-7am so you can have a lie+in one day and he does the other day.
This worked well for us in the long run.

For the "handovers" at night you definitely don't want to be doing it orally. Look at apps, we used one called "baby tracker" for our first and logged all the feeds in there. So when the other parent wakes up we knew exactly what had happened.
For our second now, my husband just send me a WhatsApp before going to bed to tell me how much she drank and whether anything else noticeable happened, it works too.

Having a son, who never slept was a complete nightmare! Now he's going to be a dad, hopefully history won't repeat itself!

I think if he sleeps through this shift that's the end of you getting to sleep through on Saturday nights.

Wake him up when the baby needs to be fed and do your best to go back to sleep. He's testing the waters, unless he's in a coma he can wake up to look after his baby.