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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To change the locks whilst soon to be ex DP is at work?

60 replies

Mariannas · 27/01/2024 19:01

DP and I are in the process of separating.

However, he refuses to move out. It’s been 6 months since we decided to separate, he is emotionally and verbally abusive. I can’t cope with him here much longer. It is traumatic for both me and DC.

His reasoning is that he can’t afford to rent or buy a property on his own. This is probably true as I earn more than him and pay the mortgage here.

He is away for work next week, back on Friday. I am thinking of packing his stuff up whilst he is away, put it into the garage and then change the locks to the house. He will be able to remove his things from the garage as it is not accessed through the house and I can unlock it before he arrives.

He currently mostly WFH this is probably the only chance I am going to get for a long time.

Would I be wrong to do this?

OP posts:
Bubbleohseven · 27/01/2024 20:05

In that case yes change the locks.

migigo · 27/01/2024 20:08

If you own it then fair enough

Allofaflutter · 27/01/2024 20:09

Just call the police now and ask them to attend now. He’s got no rights to be there.

Livinghappy · 27/01/2024 20:26

Are the dc shared?

StylishM · 27/01/2024 20:27

If you own the house you should have done this months ago!

InADifferentLife · 27/01/2024 20:29

If you are married, his name is on the deeds, or he pays the mortgage it could be harder to change locks. But if you're not married, he doesn't pay the mortgage and his name is not on the deeds it's all yours and change the locks as many times as you like.

Cherrysoup · 27/01/2024 20:30

Allofaflutter · 27/01/2024 20:09

Just call the police now and ask them to attend now. He’s got no rights to be there.

They are very unlikely to do that unless the poster is in danger.

If he’s conveniently away next week, grab the chance, change the locks, pack up his shit and get him out. He has no rights if you’re not married and it’s your house. Can you take his stuff to his friends or relatives to look after?

InADifferentLife · 27/01/2024 20:31

Agree talk to domestic violence first - it may be you need a restraining order if he kicks off. Shouting and incessant texting counts.

Windymcwindyson · 27/01/2024 20:31

Your plan sounds fine op

Bestyearever2024 · 27/01/2024 20:32

InADifferentLife · 27/01/2024 20:29

If you are married, his name is on the deeds, or he pays the mortgage it could be harder to change locks. But if you're not married, he doesn't pay the mortgage and his name is not on the deeds it's all yours and change the locks as many times as you like.

This ^

HalloumiGeller · 27/01/2024 20:40

As it's your house, I would 100% change the locks when he's away, as he has absolutely no claim to it whatsoever! He's a CF refusing to leave anyway when it's YOUR property! Nowhere to live? Not your problem.

Iam4eels · 27/01/2024 20:45

Don't just change the locks without first getting advice from a domestic abuse organisation (such as Women's Aid).

Leaving an abusive relationship is when the abuse is most likely to suddenly escalate, abuse is about control and when an abuser feels their control is slipping they can attempt to reassert it.

You need to leave this relationship in a way that protects you and your DC, just changing the locks without warning and telling him he's being booted out might be okay but equally it might also cause the whole situation to blow up.

Speak to Women's Aid and apply for either an Occupation Order or a Non-molestation Order then change the locks. You can have an order in place before he gets back from his trip.

LatteLady · 27/01/2024 20:49

If the property is solely in your name, then crack on, change the locks etc. Leave his goods and chattels outside, send your children for a sleepover elsewhere and advise the local constabulary what you are doing.

I wish you every success and remember you are not alone...we are here for you.

Redruby2020 · 27/01/2024 20:50

Mariannas · 27/01/2024 19:56

Sorry I meant to include that I own the house

That's good then! But is he on the mortgage

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 27/01/2024 20:53

If you own the house you can throw him out. You say dp, is he a partner or husband?

76evie · 27/01/2024 20:53

Mariannas · 27/01/2024 19:56

Sorry I meant to include that I own the house

Yes do it, especially if he is abusive. I would have said the same if you was married or co owned the house but the fact you own the house and aren’t married (presuming that as you say dp not dh ) is a huge plus you can do that with no legal come back.

Kitkatcatflap · 27/01/2024 20:55

If you pack up all his stuff. Send it on somewhere, to a his family or one of his friend. If you can't do that, would a mutual friend have his stuff in there garage. Don't give him a reason to come to the house, even if it's the garage.

Persipan · 27/01/2024 20:57

On a purely practical level, I'd consider telling him you've done this while he's still away, so he has time to make some sort of arrangements as to where to go and isn't discovering what's happening in real time with you inside the house. You may well already have a plan in place for how to handle this, just mentioning it in case not.

Alwaysalwayscold · 27/01/2024 21:00

100% yes but make sure you are not alone when he returns. Get police assistance if necessary.

ChangeAgain2 · 27/01/2024 21:05

Is ge the child's father?

AhBiscuits · 27/01/2024 21:06

How's he likely to react? If he'd bang the door down, shout and scream then I wouldn't put the children through that.

KreedKafer · 27/01/2024 21:08

Mariannas · 27/01/2024 19:56

Sorry I meant to include that I own the house

You own the house and you’re not married so yes, he has no right to refuse to move out and I think as a last resort, YWNBU to change the locks.

I expect he will kick off on a grand scale when he realises what you’ve done, so if possible, could you have a friend or family member with you for support when he’s due to come back from his trip? And definitely be prepared to call the police if things escalate.

Is he your children’s father?

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2024 21:09

@Mariannas

Others have covered the 'Can ?' very clearly. I'd also add chains or a slide bolt to the door as extra safety. And don't forget to lock any windows. Even those above the ground floor. And whatever you do, do NOT open the door, even chained, to speak to him.

Here's my thought. I'd pack up his stuff and get it out of the house, preferably to a 3rd party's house (his family or one of his friends) the day before he heads home. Then I'd message him whilst he's still at the work location and tell him that the locks have been changed, he's no longer allowed on your property, and his 'stuff' is a X location and that you will call the police if he creates a disturbance.

The reason I'd do this is because (hopefully) there's less chance of a 'kick off' if he knows ahead of time rather than walking up to the door thinking he's 'home' and having the key not work. I realize he can still show up and pound on the door, just that hopefully the journey home will give him time to think about the consequences of doing that. But you know him and I don't, so use your own judgement on this.

I'd also plan on having the DC elsewhere overnight if you can send them somewhere he doesn't know so he can't go and get them. And I'd have someone stay overnight at with you on his return date. It'd be great if you have a dad or brother to do this, but even having a friend there can be a deterrent. Many abusers will kick off if they think you're alone, but they don't want anyone witnessing their shitty behaviour.

I'm in the US and where I live you can alert the police that you have changed locks to keep an abusive person away and they'll step up patrols around the time you expect them to show up or they'll put a flag on your address so if you call 911 (our 999) the call is treated as a priority.

KombuchaKalling · 27/01/2024 21:10

Off he pops. Perfect time to lock the cocklodger out

SquirrelHash · 27/01/2024 21:10

Persipan · 27/01/2024 20:57

On a purely practical level, I'd consider telling him you've done this while he's still away, so he has time to make some sort of arrangements as to where to go and isn't discovering what's happening in real time with you inside the house. You may well already have a plan in place for how to handle this, just mentioning it in case not.

This is what I'd do too.

I'd also want him to collect the stuff from somewhere else, so he doesn't need to turn up. He could bed down in an unlocked garage, unpleasant as that would be.

I would also get (if you can afford to) an Arlo or other brand cctv camera out the front with sound, and perhaps a doorbell camera too, for extra security and evidence in case things drag on.

All the best getting your house back to how you want it!