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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Worried I've made a male friend uncomfortable, should I apologise?

60 replies

Duckduckduckgoose1 · 27/01/2024 14:44

I can't be certain I have, but I'm worrying. I've only really known him a few months, and I'm fairly certain it's only friendly between us nothing more.
He asked me to hang out after work next week which I agreed to, we've met up once before. We chat a lot online at work too, I hardly ever see him in person due to different office days.
Anyway, we talk almost every day.
He told me he likes talking to me and that we have a lot in common, he said to a mutual friend I'm very sweet and laid back, and I said the same about him.
I feel like he's really easy to get on with and I appreciate him as a person.
Anyway for some reason I'm worrying I've given him the wrong impression..
Basically we have a mutual colleague at work who's a bit younger. He was being very sleazy the other day towards another female at work, being quite inappropriate.
I joked with my male friend 'At least you're a bit more respectful than that!'
I meant it genuinely as he's a good guy and I meant I couldn't picture him (or most other men there) literally chasing some poor girl round the office.
Now I'm worried that he took it as a come on.
We chatted the next day after that and it seemed fine. However he asked me to send some holiday pictures from my recent trip. I did a couple of days ago and he's still not opened the message. I saw that he's online but even 2 days later still not opened it.
It's not really like him and I'm worrying I've made him uncomfortable. Should I apologise? It could just all be in my head.

OP posts:
XiCi · 27/01/2024 17:05

You're giving this far too much headspace. Honestly it's exhausting just reading it. It seems to be causing you so much angst. Are you like this with all your female friendships? If not it would be worth considering how this man has got you tied up in knots stressing about his feelings over really innocuous conversations

Duckduckduckgoose1 · 27/01/2024 17:20

Tbh I can be like this with any friendship. It's just strange for someone to not reply for several days but to be online, so it makes me wonder if I've upset them.

OP posts:
Duckduckduckgoose1 · 27/01/2024 17:21

I just find male friendships very complex to navigate even though I'd like to have them.

OP posts:
TheDisgustingBrothers · 27/01/2024 17:29

You sound quite overbearing and intense OP. Why don’t you find something else to occupy your time and forget about the text messages. Maybe he’s busy or maybe he just doesn’t know how to reply.

Balloonhearts · 27/01/2024 17:34

He was probably busy when it came through and just automatically swiped it off then forgot to ho back and open it. I've done that before.

BlueBox81 · 27/01/2024 17:41

I think men are more blase about stuff, so if I got a message from a friend it would be on mind that I had to reply to them until I had done it. If I was taking ages to get around to it I would start feeling guilty and thinking I might be making them worried about why I hadn't responded or that they would think I didn't care, or was being rude. But I think men generally don't tend to overthink like women tend to, so probably saw it, thought he would look at it later, forgot and hasn't given it another thought. My DH always randomly doesn't text me back, even if I've asked him a specific question. It's really annoying, but he just doesn't go on to think what my feelings might be about him not replying like I would about his. Wish my brain could be that easy going 😂

Duckduckduckgoose1 · 27/01/2024 17:43

Maybe i am intense. I haven't double texted or anything and I'm not intending to text again, I'll wait until work. Maybe he didn't even register what I said.

OP posts:
user1471517900 · 27/01/2024 17:50

Is a pseudo-girlfriend the same as a friend?

JMSA · 27/01/2024 17:52

user1471517900 · 27/01/2024 17:50

Is a pseudo-girlfriend the same as a friend?

Pretty much. It's someone they can check in with every day, to stave off loneliness Grin

Duckduckduckgoose1 · 27/01/2024 17:54

He probably just enjoys the conversation the same as I do. It's not just him though, the other day I felt someone was ignoring me so I asked them if everything was ok, they said yeah fine just busy, and that was it. So I'll try not to overthink.

OP posts:
goblinfrom1998 · 27/01/2024 17:55

I think I'm similar in age to you and when it comes to texting, it really depends on the person. Some people are texters and some aren't. There are people I know who will routinely miss messages but there are also many people I know who will, without fail, respond within 15 minutes every single time.

I do wonder though if perhaps he thinks you like him. You don't even have to say anything. I say "hi" to everyone and make small talk with whoever's at the pantry and there was a guy who thought I liked him because of that. 🙄

user1471517900 · 27/01/2024 17:55

JMSA · 27/01/2024 17:52

Pretty much. It's someone they can check in with every day, to stave off loneliness Grin

This doesn't seem particularly bad then, especially if he's under the impression that nobody is being led on.

Duckduckduckgoose1 · 27/01/2024 18:00

Maybe he does, but I've literally just chatted. He's the one who asked me to meet him out of work next week so I could say the same about him .
That's why male friendships can be so frustrating, which is a shame.

OP posts:
Duckduckduckgoose1 · 27/01/2024 18:01

I went on holiday for a few days so wasn't at work, and the minute I got back online he texted me asking if we could meet up the following week.

OP posts:
maltesefiction · 27/01/2024 18:03

I find that most men are aqful at reading social cues but there is no need to apologize here.

Duckduckduckgoose1 · 27/01/2024 18:04

I was basically saying 'im glad you're not a sleazebag'. Anyway I'll try not to think about it anymore and I'll see what happens at work.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 27/01/2024 18:06

Westernesse · 27/01/2024 14:56

Do they? What’s the point of that?

Meets an emotional need without commitment 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tbf, it's not just men who do it.

I had a male friend I had this with. My children used to joke I didn't need a boyfriend because I had him. And they were right!

I didn't have the time or the capacity for a relationship at the time but we met each other's needs emotionally.

We still keep in touch but nowhere near on the same scale as before when we'd be in touch every day.

GreyCarpet · 27/01/2024 18:08

OP, I can't imagine why you'd need ro apologise for it or how you think he might have interpreted/misinterpreted it.

It's all fine. And, if it isn't, there's still nothing to apologise for. You didn't do anything wrong.

JMSA · 27/01/2024 18:08

@user1471517900

Perfectly fine, if both parties are happy with that. I found it tedious, when a man I wasn't interested in romantically would text me daily. I'd end up cutting it off.
I should add that I was always honest - in a kind way - if I wasn't interested. But there's always those who want to cling on 'as friends'.

That's not the case with the OP. However I am concerned that she does actually like this man romantically, and could end up hurt.

Duckduckduckgoose1 · 27/01/2024 18:11

It's a strange one.. last time I saw him I felt no sort of spark and I didn't go away thinking I fancied him. I guess like I say because we chat so often, I've come to depend on it and I don't want to lose it.

OP posts:
Duckduckduckgoose1 · 27/01/2024 18:11

It's a strange one.. last time I saw him I felt no sort of spark and I didn't go away thinking I fancied him. I guess like I say because we chat so often, I've come to depend on it and I don't want to lose it.

OP posts:
clpsmum · 27/01/2024 18:18

You want to apologise because he hasn't opened your holiday pictures yet? Have I missed something? If not this is just weird tbh

Duckduckduckgoose1 · 27/01/2024 18:22

No not that, it was that I wondered whether by my joke the other day I made him feel awkward or something.

OP posts:
Duckduckduckgoose1 · 27/01/2024 18:22

And so he still hasn't replied 2 days later which is unusual for him

OP posts:
QuarterPastThree · 27/01/2024 18:25

You are massively overthinking all this.

He's just a pal from work that you like to spend time with occasionally. Leave it at that, and stop worrying about what he's thinking all the time.