To think being 'too shy'/'too quiet' for my entire life suggests I'm neurodivergent?

[tooquiett]

I'm very shy and quiet, I'm currently 29 and back at university retraining and I can't answer any questions in class even when I know the answer. Same with work meetings, I just can't speak up. I'm drained and exhausted from everyday life and have considered if I'm autistic or have inattentive ADHD. I burnt out in jobs, always have poor attendance as I struggle to keep up with everything

I found my school reports from reception onwards and every single one says I'm too quiet, too shy, need to join in with class discussions. My report at age 4 could have easily have been written about me today by a manager, just replace 'doesn't join in with class discussions' with 'doesn't join in with discussions during meetings'.

Surely if it traces back to age 4 it isn't CPTSD or social anxiety?

@Mystro202 I believe that what used to be called ADD is now called ADHD, inattentive type.

There is also a Reddit sub for women with autism. Talking to them could help you gain some insight. They were very helpful when my dd was struggling, she was eventually diagnosed with a certain form of ADHD (after a range of different psychological tests).

It has been a huge help to her at uni, now she has access to extra resources such as being allowed to take tests alone in the testing center with extra time and register for classes early. She also has a device that records all the lectures for her as she is an auditory learner. She still struggles with executive functions such as organization but it was a relief to her to not beat herself up when she was told her brain is processing differently in some areas.

She was also the one who asked me if she could be tested, so it's very common that women and girls go under the radar as they present differently. This was after a couple of really good friends at uni told her they had exactly the same symptoms as her and both had ADHD. I fact one girl could be her twin their personalities are so similar!

https://www.reddit.com/r/AutismInWomen/

My dd with ADHD is very social, in fact that's one of her main personality traits, she loves to have fun at every opportunity, throw parties and celebrate. Although she goes into panic mode as she always leaves everything until the last-minute - I get the phone calls begging for help! So I think the social struggles @tooquiett is experiencing could point toward ASD; But obviously @tooquiett you need an assessment by an experienced professional.

Do autistic people go through cycles of being unmotivated and struggling to do basic daily tasks until the adrenaline and panic takes over to motivate them? After doing some reading it seems that one of the main differences between autism and ADHD is that autistic people thrive off routines, and ADHD are the opposite. I'm not sure which I am. When I have something to do (like commuting to work) I'm obsessive about my morning routine and have it timed down to the minute. On days off I have no routine, getting ready takes me ages (like 2 hours)

I would daydream a lot at school but started to be told off for it, or the teacher would ask me questions in class to prove that I wasn't paying attention so I think I've learnt to suppress that as I hated being told off

I also would cry whenever I'd get told off for not handing in homework (v. sensitive) so now I'm obsessive about deadlines and constantly checking and rechecking when my deadlines and appointments are

I love socialising and when I'm around people I know accept me I get a real buzz from it. When I'm forced to be around others for extended periods of time (like 12 hour shifts) I am really social. But it's the approaching people and iniating conversations in people I don't know/don't clock with that I struggle with as I just presume that others don't like me so I avoid them.

I feel like I'm full of contradictions

That's why talking to an experienced professional who has seen plenty of grown women with your struggles is the way to go.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism/autistic-women-and-girls

“A quick Google” is not science.

I honestly think this is so ridiculous. What's wrong with being shy anyway, not everybody is an extrovert or loud or confident and there's nothing wrong with that. Why is everyone (on MN anyway) so quick to jump to being neurodivergent as an excuse for anything, it must really annoy people who are actually neurodivergent. Did you know that public speaking is the number one fear, higher than dying?

Absolutely this - my reports at primary school from nearly 70 years ago accuse me of being too quiet and a 'shrinking violet'

I am what I am and had a successful career working full-time and giving presentations to people. I found the best way to cope was to 'act a part' and be outside of myself when interacting with others and master the art of small talk at social functions which I hated.

Everyone is differant - I prefer the company of quieter, thoughtful people rather than raging extroverts who dominate the conversation.

Every single person I know with ADHD (including myself and my eldest) is extremely social and confident. My school reports (and my sons) always read that we are way too chatty.

My husband (who I suspect is on the spectrum) is extremely shy/quiet..so much so he can come across as rude.

If there are others with autism in your family I would be more inclined to think it may be that rather than ADHD.

OP, it's possible to have both ASD and ADHD (I do). No one here can tell you for sure, but I definitely recognise that feeling of being full of contradictions. Someone suggested the Autism in Women sub on Reddit, and this is a great resource; there's also one called ADHD Women you might want to check out. There's a lot of overlap between the two.

I'm finding this really insightful to read. We are constantly trying to encourage quieter people to contribute more at work, as we know they have valuable insights and views and also, tbh, to save the same people carrying meetings every time as that's exhausting no matter how confident you are.

it's making a lot more sense reading this and helping me understand (as someone who was previously shy but can now ad lib in virtually any situation) why it's not as straightforward to push through as we sometimes think.

You articulate this well, op. I wonder if you could write it down and send to your line manager or to hr so that they could look to implement strategies to support you. You obviously bring an enormous amount to your role but your contribution might just need to be a different shape.

I'm definitely going to approach this slightly differently now from a workplace perspective.

I think my title and OP was not detailed enough and it may seem like I'm saying that too shy/quiet = neurodivergent. I think in my follow up posts I've made it goes into a bit more of the severity of the issue for me. I have friends who I would say are quiet and shy, but they are still able to cope with normal adult life, they're just on the quieter side.

I can't remember much of my childhood so I've been looking to school reports to try and figure out whether the issues I have now as an adult can be traced back to childhood. The only thing that seems to come across is extreme shyness and quietness, so I made this thread to see if that could be a clue that I have had something going on with me my entire life.