To think being 'too shy'/'too quiet' for my entire life suggests I'm neurodivergent?

[tooquiett]

I'm very shy and quiet, I'm currently 29 and back at university retraining and I can't answer any questions in class even when I know the answer. Same with work meetings, I just can't speak up. I'm drained and exhausted from everyday life and have considered if I'm autistic or have inattentive ADHD. I burnt out in jobs, always have poor attendance as I struggle to keep up with everything

I found my school reports from reception onwards and every single one says I'm too quiet, too shy, need to join in with class discussions. My report at age 4 could have easily have been written about me today by a manager, just replace 'doesn't join in with class discussions' with 'doesn't join in with discussions during meetings'.

Surely if it traces back to age 4 it isn't CPTSD or social anxiety?

There's a reason for everything, whether you know it or not. Why would you be a failure if you don't have a name for the thing, but not a failure if you did?

Either way, the thing is to try and find ways to make your daily life easier. Some kind of diagnosis might help, but it isn't really necessary to have one to try a lot of the techniques to try and make changes. Lots of times it's about trial and error anyway.

I would guess that not telling people (such as those you work with) you have social anxiety is making it more acute.

OP what sex are your siblings?

Also is their ASD obvious?

Too be honest you sound exactly like my daughter down to the same school reports. She was diagnosed with ASD a couple of years ago at about your age, so it is a possibility.

You might not be. I was very shy at school and couldn't volunteer to speak. At age 40 I'm reluctant to speak out in work meetings but I am no way ND. I just don't like being the centre of attention in these situations. I think it is fear of being wrong.

But there already IS a reason - you are you, and this is how you are. Whatever the label applied to it, it’s how you are. Nothing wrong with it at all, nothing to feel bad about. Accept it and be proud.

@CKL987
do you write scripts on what conversations to have with people?

Do you learn polite jokes to say when interacting with colleagues?

Do you get burnt out from doing this repeatedly?

I would spend hours preparing for meetings, writing scripts of what to say that i'd have open on my laptop next to the Teams window, having mini meltdowns during the workday where I'd slam my laptop shut and go and cry because everything felt like too much. I'd go to the office once a week and I'd spend the night before doing hours of work as I knew once I got to the office I wouldn't be able to concentrate and would just pretend to work for the 8 hours I was there. I had no idea how to interact with colleagues

You write scripts of what to say, have mini meltdowns, and have no idea how to interact with colleagues? Yeah, I think you should definitely look into ASD, OP. These are all classic signs. Check out the Neurodivergent board here on MN.

Interesting as I am a very similar personality to you. My daughter is diagnosed ASD & ADHD and in recent years I've wondered if I'm ND.

The scripts were also about being able to remember basic details about my work/projects too. We'd have meetings every Monday where we would all go around and say what we were working on that week, and I'd have to write a script out for those as I wouldn't be able to remember what to say. Everyone else would be really casual about it, but I had a script I'd recite off robotically to try and avoid my manager asking any follow-up questions

It sounds like you have a lot of overwhelm? I suspect a commute and being around other people is very tiring?

Just to let you know, if you are diagnosed as having ADHD you are protected in law if you need accommodation at work to account for your neurodiverse needs.

Yes the commute and being round others was exhausting. I would dread going into the office all week (I only used to go once a week), and the morning before going I would feel really, really low.

Does it sound like it could be ADHD, or autism? Or both, or neither? Would it be appropriate to go to the GP with these symptoms and ask their advice or do I need more of a solid idea of what I might have before then? I know my difficulties far outweigh what's 'normal' for someone, even with anxiety.

Boys and yes it's very obvious with them

My daughter has SM and autism. I would think a significant proportion of children with SM are autistic.

Have you read the Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron? I've always been shy and cannot speak in public and find dealing with lots of people exhausting. I found the book really spoke to me, but it may be your issues are different.

In your situation, I would complete a che list to take to the gp. If anything in the checklist is a bit make focussed you can easily find an equivalent for you.

Male not make

You mentioned CPTSD up thread? Do you have CPTSD? If so, are you saying the cause of your CPTSD occurred after age 4?

Without knowing your entire life history in great detail, nobody can really say whether it's autism or CPTSD.

But the presentation is largely the same, trauma is rarely considered or explored in autism assessments, autism is less stigmatised than CPTSD, and an autism diagnosis would potentially make it easier to have conversations about reasonable adjustments as it's better understood.

(CPTSD/developmental trauma can absolutely present in a 4 year old.)

What you said about answering questions struck such a chord with me, I was like that at university. I am exactly the same down to not trusting myself even if I know the answer. I would rather sit through an excruciating silence than just say the (easy) answer. It feeds into a general shyness, I used to struggle to speak out in primary school even just to say my name for the register. I used to panic my voice would come out weird.

Im not sure about that being a symptom of ND, but I feel like what you said about burnout and struggling at work is similar to me. I don’t have a diagnosis but really suspect inattentive ADHD. I also feel drained, I feel like I have to work harder than other people to just keep pace, because I don’t retain information well and struggle to focus.

Yes you can go to the GP and tell them this is what you struggle with. And would like a referral for an assessment to explore what neurodiversity you may have and what you can do to support your life and work life.

And if you think you will not be able to communicate properly with your GP, write a letter to hand her/him during the appointment and/or see if it's possible to have contact via email for standard follow-ups.

Here's some basic symptoms for women. It mentions that women with ASD are much more concerned with camouflaging their social difficulties than men. Are you having some of the other symptoms such as sleep difficulties, obsessive interests and struggling to make eye contact? Obviously you don't need to have all of them, but it can be a relief to realise that these symptoms relate.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/women-with-autism-spectrum-disorder/202104/10-signs-of-autism-in-women

OP, there are massive waitlists on the NHS, so do be prepared for that. It's also a good idea to check into the diagnostic criteria for both ASD and ADHD before you see your GP and write down all the categories that you struggle with.

Unfortunately, it can difficult to get a diagnosis as an adult woman, but if you think it will be helpful for you to have this insight (it was for me!) you should absolutely try.

You say ADHD but ADD would before suitable to your experiences imo. You don't seem to have 'hyperactive' anywhere in your personality. Do you have any problems concentrating? I remember reading back through my school reports and had the same comments , "too shy , too quiet" If I ever had to speak out or do a presentation in class I would shake like a leaf. I'm still not an outspoken person but I'm not as shy im social situations now. I still couldn't do a presentation though 😬