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AIBU?

To have said DS can't have his friend over this weekend

32 replies

allfrree · 27/01/2024 11:34

My DS is 22, he has ASD and has always struggled to make friends. He went to uni and did well but he now lives back at home. He met a boy online in June last year. They're now best friends (though we suspect boyfriends). He started uni in our city in September so he is over here often (nearly every weekend and some weekdays).

They mostly play video games and don't go out at all. We hardly see them apart from when they want food and then DS mostly takes snacks to his room and doesn't cook. Although he is capable of making simple things. They don't sit down with us for dinner and they just say they aren't hungry.

The main issue is when they're here they talk very loud whilst playing video games and we sometimes can hear them. DS doesn't seem to realise despite us mentioning it to him often.

It's my birthday tomorrow and we have said his friend can't come over this weekend which DS has argued about. I have said I want him to spend time with us but he is welcome to go out with his friend but hes also argued about that saying it's boring and he’d rather stay here.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Comedycook · 27/01/2024 11:35

Yabu.

Lemonyyellow · 27/01/2024 11:36

Yanbu

JMSA · 27/01/2024 11:37

YABU, but then I sort of understand it on account of your birthday.

Have a nice day tomorrow, with or without your son GrinFlowers
Actually, without will probably be easier if he's going to have a face on him!

FetchezLaVache · 27/01/2024 11:37

Yabu.

BigMamaFratelli · 27/01/2024 11:38

I don't think YABU. Why can't DS go to his friend's for once? And he's 22 FFS, he needs to suck up being bored for a short amount of time for his mum's b'day!

LittleOwl153 · 27/01/2024 11:38

I don't think you are wrong to want some space from constant entertaining in your house. I would add more limits - eg last weekend a month is guest free. If DS wants to live that way he is old enough to move out.

I also think the food thing I would cut down on if DS is not paying towards all these snacks.

To me it is about respect. And your DS isn't showing any - nor is his friend from the sound of it.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 27/01/2024 11:38

Yanbu at all

ColdButSunny · 27/01/2024 11:38

If it wasn't your birthday I'd say YABU, but as it is I think that's fair enough.

betterangels · 27/01/2024 11:39

BigMamaFratelli · 27/01/2024 11:38

I don't think YABU. Why can't DS go to his friend's for once? And he's 22 FFS, he needs to suck up being bored for a short amount of time for his mum's b'day!

Honestly this. YANBU.

And everything LittleOwl153 said.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 27/01/2024 11:40

Is ds working and contributing? Does he tidy up after himself and his friend when he's over?

BoohooWoohoo · 27/01/2024 11:41

Yabu
He’s 22 and should be treated like an adult.

The loudness is annoying so yanbu about that but if you insist on him spending time with you then you risk him sulking all weekend and ruining things.

Does he go to his friend’s house ?

MiddleagedBeachbum · 27/01/2024 11:41

I’d be wanting DS to make an effort, my lad is 20 and he’ll make an effort to spend time with me, make dinner together, watch a movie, eat out, activity together etc.

Meadowfinch · 27/01/2024 11:43

Yanbu. He's 22, ND or not, he is old enough to understand that birthdays are family social occasions and he needs to make an effort for a couple of hours. And buy you a card and a gift, even if only supermarket daffodils.

Can he have his friend over later, as a compromise?

amylou8 · 27/01/2024 11:44

DS needs to learn to keep the noise down and not distrurb anyone else in the house. This has always been the rule for my adult children (one has Aspergers). Apart from that I'm very flexible on friends/partners staying over, basically they're welcome whenever.

If DS is working and paying rent/keep, then on the basis they STFU YABU.

muchalover · 27/01/2024 11:46

I think some boundaries would be good particularly around how much time his friends are at your house.

Is your son contributing to the cleaning of the house, does he cook meals, do his laundry, keep his room clean and tidy, because he definitely should be doing that and not like a 5 year old but as an adult? I do hope he makes a proper financial contribution too.

He should also be organising a routine around those expectations like the shopping and negotiating for access to the washing machine. He should also contribute to the meal prep and clean up at other times.

If this isn't happening he is not being supported to be an adult. This should include the weekends.

With the freedom of being an adult comes responsibilities.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/01/2024 11:46

I know he's ND, but at 22 your DS is old enough to understand it's the family home and you all have a say in who visits and when. You're not unreasonable to say no house guests now and then

SENDhelp2023 · 27/01/2024 11:47

Yabu, hes finally made a friend, let him have that

Cas112 · 27/01/2024 11:49

I don't think your being unreasonable at all. It's your house and it's ONE weekend

Not like your banning him for life

Mirabai · 27/01/2024 12:06

Yanbu. It’s only one weekend! He can go to his place.

OpalOrchid · 27/01/2024 12:08

YABU.

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/01/2024 12:28

SENDhelp2023 · 27/01/2024 11:47

Yabu, hes finally made a friend, let him have that

@SENDhelp2023

she is letting him have that

she just doesn’t want friend in her house all weekend, it’s her birthday

she is not being unreasonable

SENDhelp2023 · 27/01/2024 15:21

Its called am I being ur? 🤣

BassoContinuo · 27/01/2024 15:23

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to not want random friends in your house on your birthday. Different if your DS’s “friend” was his openly-declared partner, but he can put up with not seeing his friend - or seeing him elsewhere - for one weekend

SomeCatFromJapan · 27/01/2024 15:25

Sorry OP, you had a child, it's now your job to martyr yourself to their every whim for the rest of your life.

LlynTegid · 27/01/2024 15:25

YANBU to want some peace and quiet on your birthday if that is your preference.

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