To have said DS can't have his friend over this weekend

[allfrree]

My DS is 22, he has ASD and has always struggled to make friends. He went to uni and did well but he now lives back at home. He met a boy online in June last year. They're now best friends (though we suspect boyfriends). He started uni in our city in September so he is over here often (nearly every weekend and some weekdays).

They mostly play video games and don't go out at all. We hardly see them apart from when they want food and then DS mostly takes snacks to his room and doesn't cook. Although he is capable of making simple things. They don't sit down with us for dinner and they just say they aren't hungry.

The main issue is when they're here they talk very loud whilst playing video games and we sometimes can hear them. DS doesn't seem to realise despite us mentioning it to him often.

It's my birthday tomorrow and we have said his friend can't come over this weekend which DS has argued about. I have said I want him to spend time with us but he is welcome to go out with his friend but hes also argued about that saying it's boring and he’d rather stay here.

AIBU?

DS doesn't work he had a job but quit because he didn't like it. He doesn't cook for us, and isn't interested in learning to cook different things.

They never go to the friends place as he lives in uni accommodation and apparently he doesn't like who he lives with.

If you truly suspect it’s his partner I’d be a little more concerned that my DS didn’t feel comfortable enough with me to tell me who he was dating at 22…

On that basis I'd be more looking at DSs plans for the future- I'm assuming you are still paying for everything if he isn't working?

Hope you had a good birthday anyway!

As a parent to an autistic teen. This.

I have said I want him to spend time with us

He is 22 years old and you're talking about him as if he's 13.

You can't enforce family time on a grown man, whether it's your birthday or not. You mention he has ASD and I notice that Mumsnetters often say 'But he's a young 22...' when talking about their adult children with ASD, but that doesn't mean it's OK to infantilise him.

I appreciate that he lives with you, and of course if he and his and his boyfriend are keeping you awake at night then he needs to be quiet and considerate, but telling him he can't see his boyfriend because it's your birthday and you want him to have family time with you and your husband is definitely unreasonable. He spent three years away at uni doing his own thing, so you can't expect him to just revert to being told where he has to go and what he has to do.

Absolutely this.

He's old enough to understand it's a special occasion and you deserve to have your home to yourself to relax on your birthday. Personally, I could not cope with having another adult around every single weekend. Why does it have to be at your house all the time?

DS has to respect the minor boundaries OP is setting in place, such as keep it down and saying that they would like a quiet weekend in their own house, especially for the weekend that's in it.

OP has to respect that DS is 22 and deserving of all the autonomy that goes with it. If he just wants to eat snacks, so be it. If he doesn't want to spend his time with you, I'm afraid that's also his perogative. I suspect you were the only people he had for a long time. He's experiencing now what most of us experience in primary school.