Feeling inadequate and left out by family

[Biculturalfamily]

I am on a 6 day ski holiday with my husband and two kids (10,11) and two other families. It's the first time for me and the kids. They have taken to it very well and are off on the slopes with my husband. I took lessons and found it hard, often humiliating, and frightening. I did have some successful moments and I think I might be open to doing it again, now I've learnt a bit. However, after 4 days, I stopped as my legs were too tired and my nerves too raw.

I just feel so left out and inadequate and sad. Im crying a lot. We are doing half-board in a lovely hotel. The other couples proposed a table for adults and one for children for breakfast and dinner. This means I don't see my children over either meal and I don't see them when they are skiing. There are just the moments in the room or over a quick sandwich at the ski restaurant ( surrounded by others). My husband sits beside me at the table but we are involved in conversations with other people all the time. I have no engagement with the three members of my family who are caught up in the thrill of this activity that they love. I feel so irrelevant. I am so sad and feel so rejected and like I could/should just step away from their lives without any real loss to them.

All conversation is in my husband's native language btw, which I am pretty fluent in but also make really basic mistakes in, which my husband and children criticise ( in private, at home) so even conversation is a bit stressful.

I admit I have been acting out a bit with my husband, blaming him for not involving me enough or being affectionate. He gets angry, saying that being unreasonable and that I'm obviously just not feeling well ( I am on HRT and antidepressants) and that I shouldn't blame him for how I feel.

I should add that I pushed for this holiday when my husband's friends proposed that we join them. (my husband plans nothing and nothing would happen without me). I wanted the kids to feel competent on skis and I knew my husband would love time with his friend. So, I've been really proactive about making this happen but now I'm so sad because I feel like my presence is irrelevant to my family. I imagine the three of them here next year without me, or living their lives in general without me. I guess I am being entirely unreasonable to feel this way as a result of a holiday. Or should my family do more to include me?

Background - I had a very miserable childhood. No exaggeration, I never heard a kind word from my parents growing up. I was constantly criticised and mocked by my mother. My father was entirely passive and disengaged except when he was laughing about me with my mother. I was good at school which was my salvation, up until a certain point, but also created a lot of anxiety for me. Being good at school/ university was the only thing I had going for me so if I faultered academically, I felt utterly worthless. I was also pretty, though not beautiful or glamorous, which was a source of validation. Now I'm 46 though and ten kilos heavier than I should be ( though just 3kilos officially overweight). Workwise, I've been successful but again, without being an outstanding leader or very impactful in my job. I feel quite inadequate in most ways. God knows what kind of problems I am creating for my children.

I think Yabu

You will be back to normal life soon enough! Let them enjoy it

It's really hard as an adult learning to ski.

Also, the standard set up of separate meals for adults and kids does mean it's not really a family holiday in any sense of the word.

Most resorts have alternative activities for when the weather is bad, or for the evening.

Could you book bowling or swimming or ice skating for an evening? That will give you some family time.

Also, and purely on a personal level - most resorts have day trips to a spa for people who are feeling it in their legs - would strongly recommend.

Based on the context you've given seems like the issue is less about the holiday and more about your MH health issues.
I'm sure you can find things to enjoy, might not be the holiday you envisioned but you're only going to upset yourself and your family by lashing out.

You seem to be catastrophising an awful lot here. You went skiiing. You tried it. It’s not for you. That’s ok.
It’s also ok for your husband and kids to be enjoying it and having a good time, also ok for them to make this an annual event without you.
I know you’re not having a good time and they are. But try to be happy for them rather than angry with them that you aren’t.
Enjoy that time to yourself! Go to the spa, read a book, take a day off the skis. Maybe go back on the slope tomorrow for an hour or two. Go for a swim. Find something to do that is enjoyable. There is usually plenty of apres ski to be had at these places.

You just sound bitter that they are having a great time and you’re trying to spoil it for them

This. Sorry OP it sounds like a mental health/resilience issue. I’m sorry you’re feeling so shit.

i like skiing but at the end of the week I hurt my knee is a bit funny and everything smells a bit damp and I want to get home 😅

Honestly…

try and find your calm and happy place. Go with the flow of the river and stop fighting it…

If you can be bothered get some 1:1 lessons on your own and stick to green and blue slopes. These can be so fun and relaxing and no v energetic 😅

find some joy… either with a glass of rose in a cafe on a terrace…or one of the amazing spas they usually have nearby 😍

maybe organise to go for a “family dinner” fondue or something one night? Just you husband and kids…

There is an awful lot of stuff in that post OP.

1. It must be bloody hard learning to ski at 46. I learned as a teen and that was hard enough. Cut yourself some slack, only do as much skiing as you want, and instead do something you enjoy. It's your holiday too.

2. Going on holiday with friends can mean a lot of time as a group and very little time as a family. If you're on holiday with 7 other people who all enjoy skiing and you're the odd one out on the front, plus the one who is least confident in their language, it's not surprising that you feel left out. But again, I'd cut yourself some slack. You've organised this trip so they can all have a good time and they are. It sucks that you're not, but it's one week. Keep that in perspective.

3. Stage of life/feeling down/HRT. Yes, being middle-aged and peri-menopausal is shit, particularly if you've gained weight. Again, cut yourself some slack.

4. Your childhood sounds horrible and traumatic. Have you ever had an therapy to help you come to terms with it? If not, now would be a good time to find a therapist.

Find some things to do that you like doing while they're off skiing
You're responsible for your happiness, nobody else is

Yabu!!

I've been in a similar situation and it's really hard emotionally. It sounds like this is triggering a lot of emotions from your childhood and thats tough can lead to all sorts of spirals. Take the time to cry and feel bad, but then try as hard as you can to take pressure off yourself of what you "should be" and try to create some special memories with your kids as much as you can, even if it's not what you thought at first. Your family could be doing more to include you but they are wrapped up in the fun of it all. Be gentle with yourself and with them. You're doing really well, don't beat yourself up.

Are you stuck in a remote resort or can you get away to explore the area a bit? I’ve given skiing a go a couple of times and have had to conclude that it’s just not for me and that I’m not going to hurt either my body or my dignity trying to force it to be otherwise. I still go on annual ski trips with DH and friends; but I look out all the other things to do in the local area (swimming pools, spas, hiking trails, running routes) and whilst everyone else is off on the slopes I entertain myself that way. When we all come together in the evening for dinner and hot tubbing etc it’s then actually quite nice to exchange stories of what we’ve done. Skiing itself isn’t actually very sociable - so you’re not really missing out on huge amounts by taking a break.

Initially I felt a bit like you do: DH loves skiing and is really good at it. But I was determined not to feel resentful that he was enjoying that with our friends and not me, because the at wouldn’t be fair of me - particularly not if it put me in a grumpy mood which he would ultimately take the brunt of, which it sounds like what you’re doing with your DH.

Learning to ski as an adult is very hard, don't beat yourself up. And going on holiday with others is hard. And doing it all in a second language is a killer.

Go for a walk, a swim, find something else to do and enjoy the last days. Have a family dinner or lunch or even a hot chocolate and a cake. And find some support for yourself when you get home.

The other couples proposed a table for adults and one for children for breakfast and dinner.

Can you not change this? Say something like it's been lovely having adult company these last few days, but you do want to spend some quality time as a family before the holiday ends.

YABVU

Go and find something to do that you enjoy. The table set up sounds fine, the kids probably enjoy it.

Why are you getting so upset over not being good at something? Its really not a big deal. I'd hate skiing, I'd never go because I know I'd hate it, same as I hate jet skis or anything to do with water like scuba diving! Nope!

Chill out and enjoy watching your kids have fun and learn a new skill. Your feelings of inadequacy are YOURS I'm afraid, so u need to address that.

It’s six days, OP. Six days.

You don’t have to be a perfect family. You don’t have to be at the centre of everything.

I feel for you, but in the nicest way YABU.

i worked for many years in a ski resort. Plenty of people came out who didn’t ski, and still had a fab time. There’s different food to eat and drink to drink, amazing views, often really well maintained leisure centres, spas, non skiing activities like snow shoeing, ice skating, etc etc. If you want to do different activities then look on trip advisor or go to the tourist office.

However, simply being in the mountains can be amazing for your mental health, regardless of activities. Go in a gondala up to the top and have a tea / coffee / hot chocolate / plate of chips in a place with an outside terrace and just enjoy the view and people watching. If there is snow shoeing then do that, walking through the quiet snowy forest is so relaxing. Wander around the resort if it has a high street and look at the shops. Do some yoga and breathing in your room, or on your balcony if you have one. It doesn’t need to be all go.

Can you meet up with your kids and husband in a restaurant on the slopes for lunch and some family time? take a hot choc to the nursery slopes and watch them ski if they are still in nursery slopes? Movie nights after a day of skiing would also be nice family time.

tbh I would kill for a holiday where the kids are there but not there if you see what I mean, skiing with kids is hard work 😂.

It sounds as though your mental health situation is at play here, rather than the actual situation. Sending lots of love and positive thoughts, I hope you can work through it x

It feels like you are feeling bad about what you think others should be doing for you, rather than looking at what you can do for yourself. Given your history your feelings of abandonment/rejection are probably understandable but you need to allow yourself to be ok with not being good at or not liking stuff other people are into.

So you've learned you're not mad keen on skiing. That's absolutely ok. It's also ok for others to be loving it and enjoying the holiday.

You've also learned that you're not mad keen on multi-family holidays, because you really value the time you spend with your husband and kids on holidays - and you just won't get that time if you're with other people. I'm with you, I love the time we get together as a family on holiday and I've always resisted going on holiday with other families for that reason.

So now you know that next time they want to do this sort of holiday, that's great, off you go, and you'll do the sort of holidays you like together at other times of the year. I know plenty of families where some of them like skiing and others loathe it, so the skiers go skiing and the others do something else.

So in the immediate term - you've facilitated a holiday for your family that they love and they've discovered a new passion. That's a win! You're not keen on it and you know that now, which is also a bit of a win - you tried something new, you gave it a go, and now you can focus on doing things you like for the next few days.

In the long term I do think you'd really benefit from therapy to help you get to the bottom of your fixed idea that being good, but not the best, isn't good enough.

I loved skiing when I was young, free and single. We stayed in chalets and partied. I was naturally fit and didn’t pass a second thought about injuries.

Now, I can think of nothing worse. Uncomfortable boots. Unwieldy skis to carry. Miles long lift queues before even negotiating the lifts. Crowded cafes. Inconsiderate skiers. The keep up with the Jones brigade.

Where I live, people are obsessed by the oneupmanship of skiing holidays. “Oh where are you going this year?” “Oh you need to go higher than this in March for off piste.”

It’s tedious. The “process” is tedious too if you’re not really into it. The less fit, high maintenance ones must hate the entire trip. It’s hard work, if you don’t enjoy skiing. You can either ski to the same standard as your friends or you can’t. Anyone can lie by a pool. Used to being the centre of attention/mother hen, these women have to take a passive role they don’t like and so… OP

The sun doesn’t always shine. The snow doesn’t always fall. Thick fog and ice make it treacherous if you’ve taken too hard a run or pointless if you ski for the views.

Just like package summer holidays, some are better than others snd this is before you set about the physical aspect. Holidays with other families, are fine if not living in each others pockets.

My husband and my brother take my children and niece and nephews most years. Soon they’ll be going with their own friends and I’m sure my DH snd DB will go together until they no longer can get themselves up!

My SIL and I carry on with our lives, each saving our holidays to take with our children at other times. It’s the best use of balancing school holidays with the limitations of two working parents in each family.

I think yabu sorry. You tried skiing and didn't get on with it. That's fine, it's not for everyone. It just means you're not a natural skier (not that you can't learn if you don't want to) and that's all. You are catastophising this to you're a rubbish person, your family have a bond over a sport that you cant enjoy etc etc. What would you say to a friend who tried one hobby for a couple of days and decided it might not be for them? Even if your family bond over skiing and want to go again - it's one week a year max. You have 51 other weeks to do activities with them that you enjoy. This is not a big issue.

Also the 'should they make an effort to include you more'...its really hard on a skiing holiday. People that love skiing have 6 days a year to do one of their favourite things and have paid a lot for it. There is not much else to do in ski resorts other than eat and drink. So on this occasion no I don't think it's mean not to arrange an alternative activity with you (though might be nice if they met you for lunch or something)

Lastly your husband and kids criticise you for your language mistakes. This all depends how they say it (and kids are not likely to be tactful). I'd just comment that how will you improve otherwise? Also this is definitely a cultural thing - my husband is from another European country and I'm always a bit shocked when the kids speak and strangers correct them. In the UK it's considered rude to correct someone's grammar. Where he is from, and I imagine lots of other places, it's actually considered helpful

A few days on holiday that isn't as good as you thought it would be, shouldn't be making you feel like this. Have you had or considered therapy?

I do think it would be nice to have some family time and dont think in this situation it's rude to say you haven't spent any time with the kids so are going off for a hot chocolate or a meal with just your family so I'd consider doing that at least once

I went on a skiing holiday with my DH, 2 teenage DSC and his best mate from school and his wife and 2 teens.

I had one of the best weeks EVER and I didn’t have the slightest intention of skiing once. I am the clumsiest person in history, i fall over all the time just standing, clearly skiing would be certain death.

They all went skiing and I had a nice lie in, went to the gym/spa, dressed up, met them for lunch and then sat with a book/music/podcast and coffee/wine for another couple of hours until they came down for après ski.

Loved it. So I think you need to embrace skiing not being for you and just do fun stuff.

HOWEVER - the language stuff, namely the corrections, needs to be handled more sensitively by your family and you need to tell them it’s upsetting you. Equally it was about a year before someone told me I was swapping a word for the beach for something rude and I wish they’d done it earlier 🤣

Please relax. Enjoy the peace and that way you’ll enjoy the trip and family time.

This was the first time I asked for advice and I think I used the wrong format. I shouldn't have asked Aibu? Of course Iabu. I know I'm being triggered by my childhood. That's why I included that information. And I know it's unfair to take this out on my children and husband. I do put them first and try to push my issues out of the way. Hence the holiday that I arranged despite my fears ( which were realised). I suppose I was looking for some kindness and encouragement, for confirmation that I'm not a terrible person for feeling this way. With the exception of scierradoll and Linda Oxford, I got some useful inputs. Thank you for those.

Do you think it's acceptable to call people names just because you say "I'm sorry" first? You are cruel.

Is there a spa? I love snowboarding however, I only enjoy it for 3 hours max per day and the sun has to be shining. I leave all the die hard types and go to the spa and relax. Get a bus to the nearest big town or city. So much more to do around most resorts.

After reading your post you do come across like you are a bit shallow and if you are not the centre of attention you act up a bit? Not saying you are but some of the things you describe you have been doing during the holiday to your husband doesn’t shine the best light in you. I think your childhood has a lot to do with you always seeking external validation maybe some therapy would help? Also, some course at a local indoor ski slope try snowboarding much less hassle.