I am on a 6 day ski holiday with my husband and two kids (10,11) and two other families. It's the first time for me and the kids. They have taken to it very well and are off on the slopes with my husband. I took lessons and found it hard, often humiliating, and frightening. I did have some successful moments and I think I might be open to doing it again, now I've learnt a bit. However, after 4 days, I stopped as my legs were too tired and my nerves too raw.
I just feel so left out and inadequate and sad. Im crying a lot. We are doing half-board in a lovely hotel. The other couples proposed a table for adults and one for children for breakfast and dinner. This means I don't see my children over either meal and I don't see them when they are skiing. There are just the moments in the room or over a quick sandwich at the ski restaurant ( surrounded by others). My husband sits beside me at the table but we are involved in conversations with other people all the time. I have no engagement with the three members of my family who are caught up in the thrill of this activity that they love. I feel so irrelevant. I am so sad and feel so rejected and like I could/should just step away from their lives without any real loss to them.
All conversation is in my husband's native language btw, which I am pretty fluent in but also make really basic mistakes in, which my husband and children criticise ( in private, at home) so even conversation is a bit stressful.
I admit I have been acting out a bit with my husband, blaming him for not involving me enough or being affectionate. He gets angry, saying that being unreasonable and that I'm obviously just not feeling well ( I am on HRT and antidepressants) and that I shouldn't blame him for how I feel.
I should add that I pushed for this holiday when my husband's friends proposed that we join them. (my husband plans nothing and nothing would happen without me). I wanted the kids to feel competent on skis and I knew my husband would love time with his friend. So, I've been really proactive about making this happen but now I'm so sad because I feel like my presence is irrelevant to my family. I imagine the three of them here next year without me, or living their lives in general without me. I guess I am being entirely unreasonable to feel this way as a result of a holiday. Or should my family do more to include me?
Background - I had a very miserable childhood. No exaggeration, I never heard a kind word from my parents growing up. I was constantly criticised and mocked by my mother. My father was entirely passive and disengaged except when he was laughing about me with my mother. I was good at school which was my salvation, up until a certain point, but also created a lot of anxiety for me. Being good at school/ university was the only thing I had going for me so if I faultered academically, I felt utterly worthless. I was also pretty, though not beautiful or glamorous, which was a source of validation. Now I'm 46 though and ten kilos heavier than I should be ( though just 3kilos officially overweight). Workwise, I've been successful but again, without being an outstanding leader or very impactful in my job. I feel quite inadequate in most ways. God knows what kind of problems I am creating for my children.