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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am Gluten Free and I was asked to pay for party catering

32 replies

GFGandT · 27/01/2024 01:22

I got invited to my distant cousin’s 40th birthday. I was sent an invite in the post about 3 months ago and I sent the RSVP. She didn’t contact me about the party at all. The party was last Saturday night. Backstory I have Coeliac Disease and I have for over 10 years. So I only eat gluten free food. Now there was no mention on the invite to ask for dietary requirements.

Unless I know people very well I never ask people to cater for me. I’m more than used to eating before and not being catered for. I to be honest more than happy as I know I won’t be ill.

Anyway unfortunately I had some sort of bug or virus and I felt very unwell at work and left my usual time and once I got home I was unable to go to the party. I messaged her on facebook saying I am so sorry I am unwell and don’t want to pass whatever I have on but have a great party and I will get you a gift to you when I am better and the message was read.

Fast forward to now and she has messaged saying she catered for me and because I didn’t attend I need to pay for her catering for my gluten free party food.

Now I never expect GF food ever, even when friends and family know I am coeliac. But I didn’t even know this relative know I was coeliac anyway. There was no contact other that I accepted her invitation. I know from other family members that there were several other coeliacs at the party and was loads of food. I don’t know if anything was left and wasted and I’m sorry if there was but there was no conservation that I am coeliac and she was paying extra to cater for me. That unfortunately I became ill and did not want to spread norovirus or something similar to a party full of people.

If I had spoke about my catering then because I didn’t go to the party then I understand I would obviously pay. But I feel like they are taking the piss to be honest.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 27/01/2024 01:26

Yanbu, and she's a CF.

Precipice · 27/01/2024 01:29

YANBU. You never agreed to pay. From the point when she ordered the food, she spent the same whether you actually turned up or not. Would she have sent you the bill had you attended? She suggests not, but she didn't incur extra costs through your absence.

scaredofthefuture2024 · 27/01/2024 01:35

They're being unreasonable. Do not pay.

pizzaHeart · 27/01/2024 01:36

It’s very strange, basically she invited you and then charged you because you didn’t come. Was there something in the invite that you would need to pay for the party?

Imagine if you’d came she probably would charge you for all drinks and visits to the toilet.
And what if a guest would die between getting an invite and actual party? Whom would she charge in these circumstances?

How much does she want by the way?

MCOut · 27/01/2024 01:55

That is trash behaviour YANBU at all. I wonder if she would’ve still charged you if you had gone.

Sparklfairy · 27/01/2024 02:03

MCOut · 27/01/2024 01:55

That is trash behaviour YANBU at all. I wonder if she would’ve still charged you if you had gone.

Trash is a great word. She probably paid a bit extra for GF catering and is now pissed off you didn't show Grin

Original poster
GFGandT · 27/01/2024 02:04

pizzaHeart · 27/01/2024 01:36

It’s very strange, basically she invited you and then charged you because you didn’t come. Was there something in the invite that you would need to pay for the party?

Imagine if you’d came she probably would charge you for all drinks and visits to the toilet.
And what if a guest would die between getting an invite and actual party? Whom would she charge in these circumstances?

How much does she want by the way?

Nope nothing at all. I mean I was happy to pay for drinks even though it was a very pricey bar but I was expecting to.

It was £15 per head. I know it's not a huge amount but if I agreed to it of course I would but I had no idea so it feels personal as that I am on minimum wage and she has her own business.

OP posts:
Original poster
GFGandT · 27/01/2024 02:07

Sparklfairy · 27/01/2024 02:03

Trash is a great word. She probably paid a bit extra for GF catering and is now pissed off you didn't show Grin

Show quote history

If that is the case, then I am sorry. I know there were a few who went and ate well. We are Irish so there's a fair few coeliacs. 😄

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 27/01/2024 02:09

HirplesWithHaggis · 27/01/2024 01:26

Yanbu, and she's a CF.

Wow! Absolutely a CF !!! I am offended for you OP. I have a family member with a severe allergy. We all cater for him because we love him. The idea of invoicing over this is beyond. What a witch.

Meadowfinch · 27/01/2024 02:14

So she decided to invite guests to her house, she decided to provide food for her guests but she expects you to pay because you didn't show up.

That's ridiculous.

If she can't afford a party then she shouldn't arrange one.
The food will still probably have been eaten, just as lunch the following day.

QueenBitch666 · 27/01/2024 02:15

I'd tell her to fuck off

Original poster
GFGandT · 27/01/2024 02:17

The party was in a cocktail bar and catered for by the kitchen :(

OP posts:
Barleysugar86 · 27/01/2024 02:22

Eh. She is in the wrong but for £15 I'd transfer it for the sake of family harmony and then keep her gift.

Delphiniumandlupins · 27/01/2024 02:25

So she's pissed off that you cancelled at short notice? Wonder if she would be trying to charge you if she hadn't provided GF food. Have you responded at all to say that you are disappointed, you really had wanted to attend but are surprised she wants to bill you as you hadn't asked for GF catering?

Original poster
GFGandT · 27/01/2024 02:27

Barleysugar86 · 27/01/2024 02:22

Eh. She is in the wrong but for £15 I'd transfer it for the sake of family harmony and then keep her gift.

There really isn't family harmony at all. I wasn't invited to her engagement, hen, wedding etc. I only caught up through social media. £15 is a shop for me also.

OP posts:
PeoniesLilac · 27/01/2024 02:31

Don't dream of paying it. She's trying it on. What an unpleasant person.

Noneofourbusiness · 27/01/2024 02:32

Oh my days. Please don't pay anything op and put this out of your mind.

Who hosts a party and asks guests to pay?

I hope you are ok.

Original poster
GFGandT · 27/01/2024 02:40

Noneofourbusiness · 27/01/2024 02:32

Oh my days. Please don't pay anything op and put this out of your mind.

Who hosts a party and asks guests to pay?

I hope you are ok.

Thank you <3

This week has been very stressful as I have had only a few pounds left in bank to get by as well, as was paid about 5 weeks ago! I'll live though :)

OP posts:
Chichimcgee · 27/01/2024 03:06

I’m coeliac and I’d tell her to bugger off. Like you I don’t specifically ask for gluten free food and accept I will eat before or after - unless it’s a meal at a restaurant or something where dietary requirements are requested
At the end of the day I’m sure the other guests ate the gluten free food anyway

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2024 03:25

I have a multiple intolerances. Having eaten something at a catered event I thought was ok but from my reaction must have had soy in it, I’m rather more careful these days. Maybe the food was plated up just for you and I can understand why she feels it was considerate of her to get you gluten free food. But to be irked and ask for you to compensate her is madness.

Maybe reply saying how much you appreciate the effort she went to and apologise again for not attending. Then tell her you don’t even have that much in your bank account so you worry but you cannot afford to reimburse her on this occasion. I don’t think she gets the reality of how much more it costs to be gluten free.

It’s no point arguing with someone, who you see so rarely. If she comes back all guns blazing, this is the time to ignore.

Yoyoban · 27/01/2024 03:27

I wonder if the venue had a minimum bar spend which wasn't reached and this is her way to try to recoup some of the additional cost.

Either way she's being ridiculous. Don't pay.

Muthaofcats · 27/01/2024 03:32

Don’t pay and don’t give her gift! You weren’t invited to her other life events, says it all. Distance yourself! She clearly doesn’t trust or believe you were actually unwell - how unpleasant.

EndOfIt · 27/01/2024 03:41

I’d presume she doesn’t believe you were unwell and is pissed at you dropping out.

Regardless, it’s a risk you take with stuff like this, people don’t turn up for one reason or another and she’ll just have to suck it up. I wouldn’t pay, the money was spent whether you went or not.

JennyJenny8675309 · 27/01/2024 03:41

GFGandT · 27/01/2024 02:27

There really isn't family harmony at all. I wasn't invited to her engagement, hen, wedding etc. I only caught up through social media. £15 is a shop for me also.

Show quote history

Then keep your gift and your money and bin her.

EndOfIt · 27/01/2024 03:45

There really isn't family harmony at all. I wasn't invited to her engagement, hen, wedding etc.

I’m not sure why you agreed to go in the first place then. Just ignore her, she doesn’t sound like she’ll be much if a loss to your life.