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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When MIL says "why can't you cope,you only have 2,what if you had 4?"

32 replies

flyonby · 20/03/2008 11:25

Argghhhhhhhhh

Hate it when people say that.

It's not so black and white as that.

Also all children are different and she had lots of help with hre 4 children and aunts taking them for holidays etc.

For one thing in laws live away and my parents died a few years ago so it is literally DH and I .
A lot of the parents at the school have in laws who collect the children from school and have them for weekends etc ,we have never had that.

I know they are our children as MIL likes to point out but can't help feel envious sometimes that some people get time on there own with there DH/DP

Some people just take it for granted and don't know how lucky they are.

OP posts:
cornsilk · 20/03/2008 11:28

Why - what have you said to her for her to make these comments?

BibiThree · 20/03/2008 11:30

MILs are an evil breed. Ignore her. Easy pareting isn't down to numbers.

cornsilk · 20/03/2008 11:44

Come on flyonby I need to know what's gone on so that I can heckle your MIL properly.

gingerninja · 20/03/2008 11:47

They have selective memories. Just tell her that she was lucky with the support she had from her family. You don't get any.

Blueskythinker · 20/03/2008 11:48

A very unhelpful comment / MIL. What is the background?

I personally make sure I never give my MIL an opportunity to make comments like this.

I also remember seeing a tip of the day, where a MN said, that "every time a MIL makes a comment like this, smile and mentally say 'Yes, that's why your family is completely fucked up"

I've used this ever since, at it works

DumbledoresGirl · 20/03/2008 11:49

It sounds like your MIL has refused to take your children so you can have some quality time with your dh/p. What that tells me is that, for all she might go on about how easy she found raising 4 children herself, she actually found it bloody hard and no way is she going to relive part of that experience again by having your children for a weekend.

See through her. She found parenting hard and she is damned if she is going to make it easy for you.

BTW, I do have 4 kids but I remember when I only had 2. You are right. It is not the number of children you have, it is simply being a parent that is the hardest thing.

nappymadmummy · 20/03/2008 11:52

Agree with DG. Maybe suggest she look after your dc and you can "observe" her coping methods

Original poster
flyonby · 20/03/2008 12:19

It's just a general comment she makes when I say I have had a bad week.

When we do visit her they never offer to look after them for an hour or two so we can take the car and escape for awhile.
But know for a fact she has looked after her other grand children when they have visited whilst BIL and partner went ot a wedding for the day.

Oh she offers plenty of advice especially at the dinner table.
Monitering how much my DS is eating and whether he is using his napkin and helping himself to more food from her fridge is a complete no no.
It justs make you feel so on edge and a crap parent.
Surly a grandchild should feel able to go into Grans fridge and get a youhurt etc without her shouting at home to keep out .
He is 6 by the way and has SN.
But that is another story.

Just making the point yes she had 4 children,3 of whom went to boarding school and yes I have 2 children ,one with SN .

Totally different experiences.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 20/03/2008 12:40

Three of her kids went to boarding school? Sorry but what does she know how hard it is to parent full time then? She's a joke, your MIL.

I never ever ever let MIL when I'm having a bad day with my children because she always uses it as an opportunity to have a dig.

It's a shame I can't just call her up and ask her advice about for example, tantrums (apparently her children never had any - DH certainly does now!) because she doesn't come out with support.

So, it's always smiling faces to her. Shame too because she'll never really know what complex individuals her GCs are. She thinks they're two dimensional puppets who are always well behaved.

Don't expose myself to your MIL's snarky comments. It doesn't sound like she's helpful to you anyway.

waffletrees · 20/03/2008 13:19

God that sounds like my mum. She had 3 kids and seems to think she was some supermum type character. When I think back to my childhood she really didn't cope at all. Strangley enough, my MIL also had 3 kids and regularly talks about how hard it was. All mums find it hard at times - some women just have selective memories. YANBU but try ignore her.

itsahardknocklife · 20/03/2008 13:24

My mum is the same. She says 'well I managed with three toddlers'. She has a very selective memory.

MrsTittleMouse · 20/03/2008 13:33

My Mum had the opposite problem. Her MIL was really good and it was her Mum who completely forgot how hard it is to have children. Apparently after she'd given birth she had them both come to stay in turn for 2 weeks. Her MIL ran around cleaning for 2 weeks (even washed the windows on the last day ), whereas her own Mum sat around for her 2 weeks and expected my Mum to entertain her and make her cups of tea. And of course, it was her Mum who had taken to her bed for 2 weeks after her own deliveries and had her Mum look after the newborns.

My Mum will never forget that, and is determined that she will be like her MIL for me when DB2 is born. I am very lucky.

lentengrrl · 20/03/2008 13:38

Oh god, when I had my dd1 my mother sat on her bum on the sofa with her, said I was a bad wife (as the house was dirty) and complained that I'd given her bought quiche and packet salad for lunch. AGAIN. Whilst telling me sob stories about how when she had db her pil came to say and she had to run around after them. She was a mad.

captainmummy · 20/03/2008 13:46

My MIL says thing slike 'oh she doesn't need a break' when dh suggests that she babysit for an evening, when the dc are asleep.

And mum always tells me how hard it was for her, in a strange country, with 3 dc, didn't speak the language, dad always away on 'exercise' for weeks, (army) not being able to drive....but I don't think she did a very good job of parenting, I'm the only sane one of us! And she says she enjoyed every minute of it (ignoring us for hours/not bothering with emotional/eduactional input.)

WallOfSilence · 20/03/2008 13:51
itsahardknocklife · 20/03/2008 14:02

My stepMIL rang my DH to complain that I hadn't made them cups of tea when they came to see DS for the first time. I was in agony from rather a lot of stitches at the time!

PotPourri · 20/03/2008 14:08

Silly old cow. am really annoyed on your behalf actually. I like the tip to think silently 'that is why your family is a mess'.

But honestly, she is talking out her back side. She didn't look after her children, she sent them away to boarding school, she didn't nurture them or she would still have the urge now to nurture them. And to top it off, that generation did not have the same demands that we have - our generation are led to believe you can have it all - perfect life, perfect house, great career, great mum, great, well behaved kids. It's too much.

But in short, ignore the old bat. Who cares what she thinks - she obviously have no manners whatsoever to say that out loud.

sundew · 20/03/2008 14:14

I agree - I had a close firend who went to boarding school - and she used to say is was a rich persons childrens home.

We all know how emotionally and physicaaly exhausting parenting is.

sundew · 20/03/2008 14:14

I agree - I had a close friend who went to boarding school - and she used to say is was a rich persons childrens home.

We all know how emotionally and physicaaly exhausting parenting is.

babbi · 20/03/2008 19:24

Ignore the old bag !!
My MIL used to send DH and his 2 siblings to bed at 6pm every night regardless to get them out of the road !! I mean to the age of 12 ish.
DH says his mum just did not appear to like her dcs at all.
His most vivid childhood memories are he and his siblings lying in bed crying as they could hear all their friends still outside playing and they would imagine scenarios whereby their mother would be taken away (even dying) so that they would then be looked after by their beloved aunt.....
But she continually goes on about how she stopped work to care for her kids in contrast to todays mums .... (I dont work - so it is not a jibe at me - just people in general ) !!

Whereas I had 2 parents who worked their butts off to give us as good a life as possible - my Dh just loves my parents - my early childhood was great ...

Your MIL is changing history in her mind - tell her to get stuffed ............

Spidermama · 20/03/2008 19:27

I have four and I get no help from anyone ever. < pout >

Funnily enough the grandmothers used to help a little when I only had one and then two. Nowadays - forget about it.

It pisses me off actually. These are their grandchildren after all.

Selfish baby boomer generation. It's me, me, me for them.

Bouncingturtle · 20/03/2008 19:40

Flyonby - I do sympathise with lack of support - my parents and pils live no where near me.
Oh and my mum says that I don't know how hard it was raising me and dbs (twins), and that she had to manage, err mother you couldn't hence why you foisted me off on your own mother!

kekouan · 20/03/2008 20:05

How unhelpful of her

YANBU, obviously.

kekouan · 20/03/2008 20:06

"Selfish baby boomer generation. It's me, me, me for them. "

spidermama - so true. LOL

KDMary · 26/03/2008 00:38

I totally symphasise with you and you are not being unreasonable.

I think parenting these days, especially mothers,are put under a lot of pressure. If they do not work, then there is a lot of pressure to take care of the kids and live up to the standards of 'other mums', their own mums and mother in laws.

For Mums like me, who work and get a lot of help from my Mum (looks after daughter Mon-Wed) and In Laws (Thursday and Friday), there is the pressure of work, commuting, keeping both Inlaws and Mum happy, keeping the boss happy (staying late to finish the work), keeping the husband happy (by not working too late)and housework.

My MIL and Mum also comes up with very hurtful and unsensitive comments and in my Mum case in front of friends and family. Criticising how I'm such a useless Mum/daughter/wife.

I bring money home to pay the mortgage, and help out my Mum financially (although it is not a huge sum), I do the rent accounts, cooking, shopping, housework, etc. I worked my BUTT off to get where I am career wise. I HAVE TO work to pay the mortgage. I don't have a choice. I don't think I am useless. But I am constantly made to feel SO useless by my MIL and Mum. AND it is the same comments; 'you can't cope with one, how you are going to cope with another one....I raised three kids...., if I had as much help as you have I'll be able to fly..etc....'. WHY WHY WHY????

I get a lot of S@? at work, come home and s@? as well. Why can't the older generations give us a break???? Yes, I do get a lot of support and help, but it doesn't mean that there is no pressure, no stress, no worries. With the help, comes the guilt of not being able to stay at home and be with your child, the guilt on relying on someone else to look after your kids, the pressure of being able to pay the mortgage.

No wonder there is an increase of depression amongs our generation. If it wasn't for Mumsnet, we all wouldn't have a 'voice' or 'space' to vent our anger and opinions. So in a way we are lucky, but no excuses for hurtfull and insensitive comments from the older generations.