To want my parents to move closer to me

[Whatsinaname1234]

The AIBU here is about how I deal with my parents who are ageing and I would really be interested to hear others’ experiences of the same thing as this must be something so many people deal with.

My parents are in their mid 70s. My mum has very bad health problems and my father is effectively her full time carer. They live in a big house in a smallish town in the North, my sister and I both live in London. We both have jobs which don’t exist out of london, young kids and zillions of other commitments.

Our parents are on their own with no family network (they were born abroad). Their house is big, over 3 floors with VERY steep stairs and a big garden.

The house is falling apart around them and they will not accept offers to help. They have money and savings, ok pensions etc so it’s not money. I think they just feel overwhelmed by my mother’s perpetual ill health and can’t lift their heads above the parapet to think how they can stay on top of maintenance of the house. It’s not just cosmetic, there are parts of the property with subsidence, cracks, kitchen doors hanging off, microwave that sparks.

I have tried offering to organise quotes and builders, my dad just turns it down. He doesn’t want to be patronised by his daughter thank you very much.

The bigger problem is I think they should just sell up and move to london. Weirdly my dad’s brother lives here too, so do me and my sister and our kids. They could swap their big falling apart house for a manageable flat, we could pop in and visit and help.

Recently a family friend of their age had a fall and was assessed as being unsafe to return home fir various reasons. She was put in a home and her house forcibly sold to pay the fees. I just feel if my parents do a move on their own terms they can avoid this, and if i was close, they may never need to go to a home as i could help them out.

Tried raising this with my dad and it was a blanket, flat, no. I think he’s hoping if he holds out we might move ‘back home’ to be closer? But i’ve explained it can’t happen. Both of us work in whole industries that literally don’t exist where they live. We have kids and lives and they should be the ones to move as they have fewer ties to their area than we have to ours.

Another issue is that he is quite a severe hoarder and moving would require him to deal with having to dispose of things when he has a big house packed to the rafters with at least 30 years worth of just… stuff. So much stuff.

AIBU to want them to be closer in their twilight years?

Has anyone else experienced this and talked their parents round?

Mine downsized into a bungalow near me about 18 months ago. It was a painful process for all of us as they are 10 years older than yours. Getting rid of things was hard for them and I have quite a lot stored in my house as they couldn't bear to part with them.

DF is in precarious health, when he's well he's fine, when he's not it's generally serious. It would have been a lot easier on all of us had they done it earlier as the move was rapidly followed by a bad period which was not helped by the stress of it all

YANBU to want them to be closer.
YABU to expect them to be thrilled with the prospect of moving from a house in a small town to a flat in a city.
City living isn’t for everyone.

Also, another thing to consider, I’m only 50 and need to downsize for health, I won’t move area because I know the difficulty in getting the same sort of care once you switch Drs and hospitals when you have chronic health issues.

Quite what you can persuade them to do in your situation though I don’t know.

You just have to leave them to it I think OP. If you've spelled it out to them about a care home if they won't move etc, there's nothing you can do. You can't protect them from their own stubbornness.

I fear I will have similar issues with my similarly aged parents. Luckily they're both in reasonable health but I can't see them moving to be closer to us for help, so on their heads be it.

The hoarding in your parents case is also a big MH issue and they won't be able to leave it.

I’m in my 40’s and the idea of moving from a big house in the north to London fills me with horror. I have no doubt that in 30 years time I would rather do almost anything than make that change.

London is your ideal, not theirs.

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister but surely if you were in poor health, your kids were elsewhere and asking you to move....you'd prefer that to a care home?!

I don't understand the reluctance to move tbh.

You are not remotely unreasonable to be concerned about them giving the circumstances described. And it's a shame your father has turned down your offers of help.

But hell would freeze over before I agreed to spend my final years ANY years, in fact in London. So I don't blame them for that.

@PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregisterbut surely if you were in poor health, your kids were elsewhere and asking you to move....you'd prefer that to a care home?!

I would rather the ramshackle house fell in over my ears than move to London. And I'm in my 40s, not 70+.

It. Is. Their. Choice.
I would feel incredibly patronised if an adult child was pressuring me to move. Yes, they may be struggling, but it's their home and presumably they like living in their town.

You can lead a horse to water but a stubborn ageing parent is quite another matter.

You've said your piece, and that's all you can do. Let them make with their own decisions and leave them to deal with the fall-out when the inevitable crisis happens.

I agree with this.

You are both reasonable and unreasonable. But mostly unreasonable. You are asking them to give up their lives for your convenience.

I can understand why they don’t want to move to London.

Would they refuse if you offered to help them move to a small bungalow near where they are now? If so, there’s nothing you can do really.

I wouldn’t mention the cost of care homes to them as they might interpret that as you worrying about “losing your inheritance “ rather than worrying about them.

I’m in my 50s, so I’m in between having really old parents that I need to look after, and being really old. The way I see it is, why should they move to you if they don’t want to. I wouldn’t want to move across the country and leave everything I know, just because my kids moved away and now want me to be closer! I don’t know what the answer is but UABU

It's their choice to live their life in the way they choose where they choose.

Perhaps they would rather go to a care home when the time arises and know that when that time comes they can sell their house to cover the costs. Not everyone wants to be reliant on their adult children who think they know better than them because it fits their life better to be done another way.

You chose to move away
you can’t now expect them to uproot their lives to suit you

I couldn't imagine moving to london at that age, that would be my worst nightmare. London living is definitely not for everyone, you are asking them to completely change their lives.

You chose to move away from them, so i'm not surprised they are hoping you move back

Moving to you would be the logical thing to do and it is so lovely that you want your parents to be near and care for them. However, I guess they are just attached to their crumbling home and area even though they have no support there. I think older people can find it hard to imagine change. Your father's hoarding also sounds like an issue - did it start from the stress of caring for your DM? Would you father listen to his brother? What does your DM think?

You need to let them get on with it, yes it's likely to have worst outcomes for them but it is what it is.

Similar problem here. My in laws care for their disabled son. Their own health is deteriorating. It's just one fall (or similar) away from being unmanageable.

They won't move near to us. They'd have less spare money for holidays (they don't go on holiday!) and rearranging medical treatment would be a headache (we'd help).

We can't move to them because I already care for two elderly relatives here who are far more rooted to their communities, having lived in the same houses since each was young.

I think my in-laws hope they can hold out until my two relatives are dead, and then we can just uproot ourselves and our three children to their part of the country. We'd still need them to move though, because I find their area oppressively depressing, and my mental health won't hold out with living there as well as being away from my entire support network and taking on extra caring responsibilities for three people who are not always nice to me.

OP, I really feel for you. I understand why they wouldn't want to move, but really, the people who are wanting the care need to move to the would-be carers, when at all possible. You can't make them. But I'd be very frustrated too.

you can’t now expect them to uproot their lives to suit you

I think the op believes it will be beneficial for her parents, why would it be about suiting her?

I wouldn’t assume moving them would keep them out of a care home, particularly as you and your sibling lead admittedly busy lives. Who is going to do the caring when they both need it? They may be better staying put if the care provision is better where they are.

You are not being unreasonable OP. My parents are much older, 86 and 95, and their house is now completely beyond them, though we have managed to get a stairlift in and redone their downstairs bathroom with a walk in shower. I spent a lot of time 15 years or so ago trying to get them to move but they wouldn’t and now that chance has passed. We are talking from a deprived town to a regional city (South Wales) but a similar thing - I can’t move closer to them.

I don’t think you will change their minds - the hoarding is a sign - and I think you will have to resign yourself to worrying from afar and doing visits as often as you can. They are adults and they can make their own choices. Perhaps you can suggest adaptations they can make now which will keep them comfortable for longer? My parents responded to that because they saw it as a viable alternative to a care home, at least for some years.

Come over to the Elderly Parents board, especially the Cockroach Cafe - there is a lot of support there.

@Whatsinaname1234 Do they have the money to pay for local carers to come and support them at home or is their money tied up in their house?

I don’t think you can persuade them to move. My cousins were in a similar situation with my aunt and uncle. They’ve been trying over 10 years to get them to move and they live on the coast which is where many older people would love to retire to, but no they won’t budge. I know my mum would rather die than leave her home to move anywhere closer to me.
Plus the fact that you live in London. I can’t imagine many people used to living in a lovely small town in the north would willingly move to a flat in London.

They can make whatever ill advised choices they like, as long as they don't expect you to pick up the pieces. Ah, but they will.
PIL are stubborn, living in a house they can't manage, sitting on pots of money and refusing help. Then MIL fell badly and broke her femur.
Predictably, straight on the phone to SIL.
I suspect your parents won't skip off happily into a care home when the time comes. They'll have you run ragged first for every crisis for their convenience.

Nothing would persuade me to live in a London flat so I don't think they're unreasonable.