To want my parents to move closer to me

[Whatsinaname1234]

The AIBU here is about how I deal with my parents who are ageing and I would really be interested to hear others’ experiences of the same thing as this must be something so many people deal with.

My parents are in their mid 70s. My mum has very bad health problems and my father is effectively her full time carer. They live in a big house in a smallish town in the North, my sister and I both live in London. We both have jobs which don’t exist out of london, young kids and zillions of other commitments.

Our parents are on their own with no family network (they were born abroad). Their house is big, over 3 floors with VERY steep stairs and a big garden.

The house is falling apart around them and they will not accept offers to help. They have money and savings, ok pensions etc so it’s not money. I think they just feel overwhelmed by my mother’s perpetual ill health and can’t lift their heads above the parapet to think how they can stay on top of maintenance of the house. It’s not just cosmetic, there are parts of the property with subsidence, cracks, kitchen doors hanging off, microwave that sparks.

I have tried offering to organise quotes and builders, my dad just turns it down. He doesn’t want to be patronised by his daughter thank you very much.

The bigger problem is I think they should just sell up and move to london. Weirdly my dad’s brother lives here too, so do me and my sister and our kids. They could swap their big falling apart house for a manageable flat, we could pop in and visit and help.

Recently a family friend of their age had a fall and was assessed as being unsafe to return home fir various reasons. She was put in a home and her house forcibly sold to pay the fees. I just feel if my parents do a move on their own terms they can avoid this, and if i was close, they may never need to go to a home as i could help them out.

Tried raising this with my dad and it was a blanket, flat, no. I think he’s hoping if he holds out we might move ‘back home’ to be closer? But i’ve explained it can’t happen. Both of us work in whole industries that literally don’t exist where they live. We have kids and lives and they should be the ones to move as they have fewer ties to their area than we have to ours.

Another issue is that he is quite a severe hoarder and moving would require him to deal with having to dispose of things when he has a big house packed to the rafters with at least 30 years worth of just… stuff. So much stuff.

AIBU to want them to be closer in their twilight years?

Has anyone else experienced this and talked their parents round?

I agree with PPs about the hoarding being a massive issue. Also you just can’t force them to move but I agree it’s such a difficult thing to negotiate.
My DH and I are getting older (as we do!) and our DCs are now adults with own families etc. I’m starting to sense every now and then that they (especially our DD) are trying to treat us differently as if they know better. Only very minor things and I know it’s done with love but it’s bloody annoying! Not in our dotage yet and you never really ‘feel’ any different as you get older. What I’m getting at is I totally understand your Dad’s reaction.
I’d say keep talking to them but it has to be their decision.

As I said earlier, the Hoarding is The major issue.
No hoarder is going to lose any of their hoard or move or accept ANY change.

It's the elephant in the room. Don't take my word for it, read a bit about it and you'll see.

I'm sorry to be so negative but I can't over emphasise what a huge obstacle this is.

Completely agree about the hoarding. My Dad wanted to move somewhere smaller and warmer. My Mum refused as she wanted somewhere bigger! She ended her life in a nursing home for four months, so she got to stay at home til nearly end. My Dad then moved into a sheltered flat near me. I lived about an hour away. He never got to know new people, said he had nothing in common with people in his housing.

My parents moved to be near us in London when they were 60. They were living up north but wanted to be with all their grandchildren in London. They have had a good 20 years here but now they are getting frail. They managed to buy a house, but now I kind of wish they were in a flat as they’re getting older. They are starting to need lots of help with everything. Especially as the world is now such that everything has to be managed online.

The big difference is that moving down here was their choice and initiated by them. I can completely see why you want them down here to be near you. At some level. It would be better for both parties as they age. But as others have said, you cannot force them. One thing to note is when people are in frail elder health, sometimes a move can be the trigger for a rapid deterioration. This is not for everyone of course.

And I don’t think it is a bad thing to think about your own convenience. You are clearly a caring daughter, and if something happens to them, you are going to go up and visit. You are not going to leave them to it. So that is potentially a long drive several times a year or even a month. Very difficult when you have a busy life down here. Whilst it sounds there is nothing you can do right now, I think it is okay to think about your convenience.

For what it’s worth, my parents have felt that London is the ideal place to live as they age. They get free travel on public transport. And the tube and bus networks are fabulous so they don’t need to drive as their eyesight has failed. I think some people think London is just the busy central parts and forget that much of it is quite ordinary boring suburbs! With the amount of shops and facilities available on foot, London can be a really convenient place for elderly people. But anyway that is irrelevant if they don’t want to come down here. At least you know you have tried OP.

My friends parents did the same.
Life became much more manageable and they certainly would agree it was an upheaval but one they never regretted.
Family near by, a manageable property.
For them it took away alot of stress.

I totally sympathise. I have a similar issue and my parents who are over 80, they recently have sold their bungalow to buy a big house. Not only that they’ve moved slightly further away. Now they need our help as they’ve had a health issue, so lots of driving and worry for us. It’s turned into a bit of a nightmare for us and them.

Might they consider downsizing local to where they are now? A more manageable home and freeing up some resources for at home care when needed. Your plan is unlikely to free up cash.

Some people would prefer family not to do the care. I would hate to feel my children were burdened by me. I have also seen older generations in our family where adult children (themselves getting older and with full lives) have taken on care for parents and the stress and pressure damaging relationships. Would not want this for myself or my kids.

Also, as others, I can't imagine anything worse than moving to London. No thank you.

You might have to just ‘tell’ them that they have to move and just go ahead and make it happen.

If she wants to totally destroy her relationship with them. How would you like it?

Also OP you indicate you want to be able to provide care to avoid them needing to move into a care home. Once needs are sufficient to need this level of care I'm really not sure it would be compatible with your zillion commitments you already have, even if they live on your doorstep. Think very carefully.

This.
We live in a nice leafy outer London suburb (not the most expensive) and you’re talking £600-700k even for a bog standard 2 bed flat in a block. Bungalows are like hen’s teeth and would cost quite a bit more.

So-called ‘retirement’ flats are often cheaper but almost inevitably come with eye watering service/maintenance charges, and can be an absolute bugger to sell for anything like you paid - and the charges still have to be paid even if they take 2 years to sell

Sad to say, when you’re faced with parents (with full mental capacity) utterly determined to stay put, there’s not a lot you can do except wait for some sort of crisis to occur - and hope that it doesn’t.

Oh, and contrary to what a pp said, all care homes are not ‘shitty’ - both my FiL and my DM ended up in CHs because of dementia, and they were very good, and by no means the most expensive, either.

Maybe. I also discussed this with them and they also seem anti. To my mind why go through all the hassle of moving and still be in an area with no ties, but as others rightly point out that’s not for me to say if they want to stay where they are. But yes, this would definitely solve for half my worries which is them blowing themselves up with ancient wiring or falling on the hazardous stairs

Yeah i know what a flat costs. They / we could afford it that’s ok.

The care home thing I’m less worried that the homes would be shitty (my grandma was in a delightful one), more worried that it could be forced on them which would be really traumatic for them. For my dad to have to part with all his ‘paperwork’ would be beyond awful. And for my sister and I to then have to deal with clearing the house and arranging a sale from hundreds of miles away doesn’t bear thinking of.

If you do get to this stage there is a really beautiful book called The Life of Stuff. I'm not normally into that kind of thing but it resonated so much with me (having grown up in a horded house and having to clear it). I'm sorry you are going through this, there is so much emotion wrapped up in practicality and I know you want the best for them. Good luck.

And for my sister and I to then have to deal with clearing the house and arranging a sale from hundreds of miles away doesn’t bear thinking of.

You’ll have to do this whether or not they move. It’s really not that difficult. You remove sentimental items and financial/legal documents then get professional house clearers in. It’s actually much easier if they’re in a care home or no longer with us than it would be to move them to another house or flat.

Fair point

This. I would leave it to professionals. My mother and l got into a debate about this at Christmas. Her sister is a hoarder so has filled a 3 bed house and garage with all her tut. My mother doesn’t wish to sort it when her sister dies so she wants me and my siblings to sort it. We declined. For context no one lives in the area and have our own lives e.g. jobs, children, partners etc. Plus l am no contact with this aunt due to her rudeness and bad behaviour. I said a professional house clearing company could sort it which enraged my mother no end.

When she was in her late 70s, my mother moved to the town I live in. She had been complaining for ages that she never saw anyone (not true), so it seemed the best solution

5 months later she had sold up and gone back "home". Although she saw us 4 times a week (two short evenings and two full days) it wasn't enough because most of the time she was alone. She had a car but wouldn't drive and the town centre was just too far for her to walk. She never went out unless I took her. I worked four days a week and had two primary aged children, so was restricted in my ability to do that.

As a result, she spent a lot of time alone and didn't get to know anyone new. If she wandered round the shops, everyone was a stranger, whereas "at home" (small town where she had lived for 50 years) she had many friends and acquaintances and knew everyone in the shops she used.

I was upset when she moved back, but when she died a few years later I was pleased that she had a steady stream of friends visiting her regularly in her last weeks. She wouldn't have had that if she had stayed here.

Unfortunately we didn't manage to talk PIL round as they were attached the their home, fair enough. We had talked about it 10 years prior and 5 years prior, and had even found a place, but they backed out. Had they done so then, they would have been able to establish a life near us and have had more choice over their care.

When the shit hit the fan because FIL fell cutting the hedge (a couple of days before the gardener was due) it was all on DH, up and down the motorway for a 7 hour round trip every single weekend for months because FIL was initially in hospital and then because he was in the house alone. MIL had to come and live with us because her need was immediate, FIL had effectively been her carer, and then because we couldn't get care in her own home town without her being there to get assessed. Catch 22.

All of his annual leave for the year was used up having to go and sort things out in person with solicitors, estate agents etc. In theory you can do this online and by phone, but my experience several times is that Solicitors are shit unless you turn up on their doorstep.

And don't get me started on so called NHS so called care. FIL was dumped in his empty house with no discharge package after 3 weeks in hospital. No prior warning. Cue DH having to leave work again in a hurry and rush 3.5 hours down the motorway, whilst also having to try to phone the hospital to find out what was going on.

It was sorted out in the end but there were a couple of days delay. God knows what would have happened if DH hadn't gone down. FIL sitting in a cold house with no food and unable to get out of the chair they had dumped him in.

DH and I had to clear their home to sell for care home fees. It is MUCH harder when people are alive because you have to go through everything carefully for things they may want to keep. You can't just get clearers in.

The problem is that PIL could never accept that they were already aging and were deteriorating.