To have spoken frankly to my son about death

[desperatemouse]

My friend was round today and while she was in my DS5 happened to ask me a question about my uncle who died last year. I was close to him and see my cousin (his son) with the kids.

I answered the question and DS asked if we would see him.

I responded “No, remember uncle James died last year sweetheart.” DS then asked “so we don’t see people when they’re dead?” I said “no love we don’t get to see them but you can always remember them and all the fun things that happened.”

that was the end of the conversation because DS then asked if he could have an ice lolly.

when he left the room my friend was appalled that I used the word “died” and not something like “passed away” or, her suggestion “up with the angels”.

i don’t know if I should have sugar coated it but I didn’t grow up in a house where euphemisms were used and a spade was called a spade.

WIBU to use those terms?

Died is fine. Dressing it up doesn't change what's happened, and sadly death is a certain part of life.

YANBU at all, given that you were literally explaining what dead means you were right to use the word dead….time enough to explain that other people use these other terms if/when the subject comes up again

No, you are absolutely right not to sugar coat it. YWNBU. It sounds to me like you dealt with the question honestly and sensitively.

No, I remember my mother using the phrase “lost” in a fire and I had so many more questions!!

No. Absolutely best to use real words. Death is death - it’s not easier to bear if we use sugar coated words. Children need to understand properly and simple accurate language is the best way to do that.

No, your friend is being ridiculous, and the way you explained it to your son is perfectly appropriate.

It’s really important to be straight with kids. They don’t understand ‘passed away’, ‘gone to sleep’ can make them scared of bedtime, and ‘up with the angels’ will be totally confusing at the next nativity play.

It’s fine. You used the correct words. I occasionally use passed away but certainly not up with the angels

and to get flamed I hate the use of the word rainbow as in over the rainbow bridge, or rainbow baby

My mum died in December and I told my son that Nannie had died. He asked a lot of questions and I answered honestly, including that she’d be cremated and what happens.

There is no point sugar coating and causing confusion later on.

I’ve always used death and died when talking to my son. Accurate language, but age-appropriate explanations, like you used.

That said when I told my then 5 year old that my Mum still with me in my thoughts, he misunderstood, and told a family friend my Mum was “in” me because I “had eaten her”!

There are some brilliant resources to help children (and adults) with conversations around death - Winston's Wish is a great charity providing support.

Many years ago, at the school I was working in, we had training by a bereavement counsellor, who absolutely said be factual. Even saying which part of their body stopped working etc. Not being clear, can mean children often think they are to blame, or completely misunderstand what has happened as adults behave differently or won't talk about it.

Absolutely this.

I work with children and the ones who tend to have the most trouble dealing with/accepting difficulty situations are those who have it sugar coated as it provides a layer of ambiguity that they don't yet have the cognitive skills to see past.

Simple, factual and honest is always best.

You did nothing wrong - your explanation was factual and you also reassured by talking about how we can keep memories alive.

'Dead' and 'died' were always used in our family. The earliest I can remember is when I was about 5 and my mum said that my Auntie Chris had died. Then when I was 10 my older sister died, and my mum came into my bedroom and said she had something to tell me, and that Angela had died. In fact as I grew up I was puzzled by the various euphemisms, 'passed away', 'no longer with us'. I guess we just weren't squeamish.

You did the right thing. Euphemisms can be very confusing for young children.

When I spoke to Winston's Wish on how to help my fosterlings through my husband's death they were very much of the school of thought that the words 'dead' and 'died' were the correct words to use (and these children were under the age of 5). 'Passed away', 'gone', 'with the angels' mean nothing and can be confusing to children.

Ah this is good to know.

glad I’ve not traumatised him.

definitely something to be said for growing up in a “call a spade a spade” household 😂

Your friend is very misguided. And possibly a bit stupid! You need to use real words and not made up fantasy. My kid has a friend who really, is so misinformed and struggles so much with things because his parents won’t talk to him about anything. He is 10 now and he still doesn’t even understand a bank account because his parents call it the “piggy bank in the sky.” If anyone is unwell or dies, it’s all sugar coated and wrapped up to “keep him safe.” And frankly, the kid has turned out like a bit of an idiot.

We've always been straightforward with DD about death. She was 6 when our cat died. We told her that he was old and so ill that the vet couldn't make him better, and we buried his ashes in the garden together. A year later her great-aunt, who was like a second Nan, was diagnosed with cancer and died a few months later. It was almost like we'd had a practice run with the cat, so DD accepted it and handled it really well.

OP, you are very sensible and your child will grow up with a healthy attitude towards death and an understanding that it's not something to be afraid of.
Your friend using ghastly, sentimental euphemisms like "passed away" and the even worse "up with the angels" is just storing up trouble for her children and failing to encourage their resilience.

You did the right thing. Dead. Their heart stopped so they died. If your heart doesn't work then your blood stops pumping and you die. We all die eventually. It's part of life. We said this to our 5 year old. No point making up twee shite.

I agree about being straightforward about death with children.

Just a heads up - and I didn’t know this until recently via Mumsnet - ‘calling a spade a spade’ has racist implications. I always thought it was to do with gardening tools but apparently not.

You are right, your friend was wrong.

“Up with the angels” is vomit-inducing.

it’s also nonsense if you don’t believe in heaven.

My parents are dead and DS is 7. I can’t remember when I first explained to DS that he didn’t have grandparents on my side but I definitely said “my Mummy/Daddy died before you were born”. I think he may have been 4 or just 5.

Somewhere along the line, probably from teachers at school or his grandparents I guess, he has picked up that just saying “died” is maybe a bit blunt and so now whenever he talks to me about them he says things like “of course your Mummy very sadly died so she can’t come at Christmas” etc.

It’s quite sweet.