To have spoken frankly to my son about death

[desperatemouse]

My friend was round today and while she was in my DS5 happened to ask me a question about my uncle who died last year. I was close to him and see my cousin (his son) with the kids.

I answered the question and DS asked if we would see him.

I responded “No, remember uncle James died last year sweetheart.” DS then asked “so we don’t see people when they’re dead?” I said “no love we don’t get to see them but you can always remember them and all the fun things that happened.”

that was the end of the conversation because DS then asked if he could have an ice lolly.

when he left the room my friend was appalled that I used the word “died” and not something like “passed away” or, her suggestion “up with the angels”.

i don’t know if I should have sugar coated it but I didn’t grow up in a house where euphemisms were used and a spade was called a spade.

WIBU to use those terms?

YANBU at all. Why would using a euphemism like 'passed on' help? It's just another word for the same thing. As for 'up with the angels'....

We need to talk realistically and honestly about death. Everyone dies and everyone will experience death at some point in their lives. It shouldn't be a taboo.

Def not unreasonable.

Our dog died when DD was 3. She's 4 now and talks about death very matter of factly. Slowly she's come to understand what it means, has asked questions. I don't think there's anything wrong with this approach.

My brother died in 2023 and although I was hesitant my daughter, who was 5 at the time, came to the funeral, it was right for her to understand the process i think. She still asks questions about him now, as he died young, which is hard to explain but I always try to answer factually about death and she seems okay with it. I do have to hold back the tears though! We don't talk about death in our culture enough, I think it's good for kids to be armed with the healthy truth.

Yes you were correct. I recently took DD age 7 to see my dying dad. I was very clear to her that we wouldn't see him again, he would be dead. I don't think

Your friend is stupid. It's ridiculous to use euphemisms with young children because as pp said, it'll at best confuse them and at worst scare them.

Using fluffed up language won't change the fact that a loved one has died.

Especially with young children, I think using the proper word avoids risking any ambiguity about what you mean.

My youngest was 4 when my mother was diagnosed with motor neurone disease, my oldest was 15. I was the only one in my family who proactively found out how to explain it in an age appropriate way, I never used fluffy words.
All the other kids were surprised that their grandma was dying, when she was getting towards the end.
There are also books that are available to explain death in an age appropriate way.
My youngest is now 18 and has not been traumatised by the words dead, death, dying or died.