To not be able to run a household- help!

[Chukkachick]

Currently on maternity leave and I’m possibly the worlds worst housewife. I am really bad at managing our house - I’m disorganised and easily distracted, in a constant state of overwhelm. I struggle to stick to any sort of system or find the motivation to do chores. (Nb the important things are all done, I’m not talking neglect here)

I have 2 under 2 and I’m severely sleep deprived, the 7m baby wakes 4x a night, possibly also some PPD that I’m in denial about. But I am privileged to have no real financial worries, a cleaner every week and an au pair.

I just don’t think I ever really learned how to live independently, my mum would just tell me what I did wrong then do things for me, and I’ve been winging it ever since - which worked when it was just me.

I want to live a beautiful, organised family life. Where do I start - therapy, YouTube videos? Do I need to find a wife of my own??

Maybe I just need some MN’ers to shame me into moving my arse.

Help!

Lists!
You need a daily planner, so there are things you do every day, things you do weekly, fortnightly etc. And try to stick to them.

You’re on mat leave. You’re not a housewife. So you don’t need to be one. Meals need to be made, laundry needs to be done, house needs to be cleaned, kids need to be looked after. If all that’s happening then give yourself a break.

Consistent routine and lists is the only way I get anything done, but don't be too hard on yourself op 2 under 2 mixed with sleep deprivation is HARD.

Yep, lists.

Daily essentials list. Ensure chopping boards, work tops, dishes and sink are hygienic. And the loo. Ensure everyone is fed and watered. Quick tidy-up if you have time. A toddler won't be taken into care if they miss a bath time or you don't brush their hair.

Weekly - hoover, change towels, clean loo, bath, shower. Mop kitchen floor.
Empty bins at least once a week. swill with boiling water. Laundry. Don't bother with ironing.

Two weekly - change bed linen. I also washed down high chairs etc.

Add extra things to your list as necessary and grade them in order of priority.

Fed, warm and healthy are what really matters. 🤗 Ignore Instagram !

You have two small children - stop putting so much pressure on yourself!

You need to read How to Keep House While Drowning. There's an audio book.

You're not bad, you're just in a really difficult time of your life. I had 2 under 2 and genuinely can say it will only get better. Its so hard. Please read that book and then start by showing yourself a little compassion. Life will get easier to manage.

You're going to have to accept that everything's a mess for now and that your priority is keeping the children alive, getting sleep and getting back on your feet. You can figure out a routine when you're not depressed and exhausted.

Do you have a partner? Do they do anything useful?

My only advice is to get as much rest as you can (which is not easy with two little ones I know) and maybe have a look at getting some support (therapy, possibly meds) for PND. Sleep deprivation and PND are the most important things in your post to deal with if you can. Laundry etc - not so much.

If you're on mat leave (so minimal work stress), have a cleaner (so a big load of housework covered ) and an au pair (so support with childcare in place) I'd honestly have to say that you need to look if you're getting best value out of what you're paying for. If you are then definitely a visit to GP as I think it's unusual that you would be feeling like this with so much outside help in place (if it is decent) so it's likely you're putting too much pressure on yourself.

I would agree with lists as others have said but surely there must be more to it if you feel you aren't keeping on top of things to the standard you want, when you've got paid help.

What you need is a good night's sleep every night for a month, love.

It is impossible to function at any sort of organised level when you're awake four times a night and your days consist of tending to the needs of two babies under age 2.

Stop beating yourself up. Your house is ticking over. You are the one who needs care and attention.

Go to your GP and get assessed for the PND.

What kind of tasks are you not doing?

I always prep for things the day before. I pack bags, the pram or car, lay clothes out, and have everything ready to go before I go to sleep. It helps with my ability to get going the next day.

No help but I’m also on maternity leave and exactly the same :( I thought I’d be super organised and keep on top of household things but I’m really not.

Old fogey alert but I feel compelled to say that when your kids are older you won't remember what a mess the house was. It really doesn't matter at all - as long as everyone is fed and clean, nothing else matters.

Don't fall into the misogynistic trap of believing that looking after babies/small children is easy and that you should be able to keep a sparkling house at the same time. I don't know a single man in the entire world who would be able to do that (some may exist but I know none) and what's more, I don't think any man would expect himself to do that - he would think he was a bloody hero for just keeping a baby alive!

I don't really understand what it is your struggling with if you have an au pair and a cleaner. If you didn't have these then my reply would be different.

What's the point of this post? The OP has said she's exhausted and depressed - do you think your comment is likely to help her? Do you think maybe it would have been better to say nothing at all?

You’ve just had a baby, give yourself a break!

If you can afford it, why not have the cleaner come twice a week until you’ve learnt to juggle everything better.

Did your DH do a lot before you went on to maternity leave?

What are you not doing that you think you should be doing?

Do you have a lot of clutter? Piles of laundry? Washing up piled up?

Definitely just focus on survival with 2 under 2 and possible PND for now. Honestly, the rest doesn't matter. You can revisit that in a few months, just take care of yourself.

I think what @CombatBarbie is saying is that there are a lot of Mums out there with 2 under 2 and no cleaner and au pair who are also struggling.

I'm not one for kicking people when they're down but Mumsnet is a resource for Mums and I think if you're in a privileged position to have help then you need to be prepared to receive answers like that.

OP I think you need to tackle your PND and you may find you can cope better as with all due respect with a cleaner and an au pair you should be able to keep the house in decent order as well as the children clean and fed. I'm not saying be waiting for your partner with dinner on the table and a Martini in your hand circa 1950 but if my partner was working full-time and paying a cleaner and au pair (which is presumably the situation as you're on mat leave but correct me if I'm wrong) then he'd expect me to be keeping on top of things to a reasonable extent.

I want to live a beautiful, organised family life.
I still don't understand what you mean by this. Please elaborate, OP!

Lists yes, to a certain extent.

But don't be so busy making lists that you don't get stuff done

Throw away everything you can bear to. You can't clean clutter, only rearrange it.

Download the Tody app, then spend lots of time procrastinating with a cuppa and biscuits setting it up and tweaking it for daily, weekly, monthly tasks etc. Tick them off as you do them. When you fall off the wagon, hey ho. You can fall back onto it on Tody at a later date...everything you set up will still be there waiting. I even have my health stuff, admin, everything set up on it. I have a section for comm prompting me to message friends and family members, as I'm rubbish at keeping in touch with people. I think I paid about a fiver for Tody, and it was worth ten times the price for me :)

I forget about it for months, then realise my world has fallen apart and pick it back up...and bingo!

For a start, with two children under 2, including one who isn't sleeping, it's pretty standard to be barely keeping afloat.

I would say however that being in denial about PPD probably isn't helpful. I mean, you might not need or want to take medication, but accepting it is half the battle. I was a bit like you and then finally accepted that perhaps I had "mild" PND. And actually, accepting that and not feeling guilty about it helped.

Finally, as with many posters on here who talk about their disorganised spouse, it is worth considering whether you have ADHD. Statistically, I believe that women with ADHD are also more likely to suffer from PND. In addition, my experience with DS and DH tells me that if you DO have ADHD, and are also very tired, the ADHD traits will become more prevalent. DS, for example, if he's tired will suddenly go back to behaving at school similarly to how he behaved pre medication - just totally chaotic.

Finally, once you are feeling a bit better, many of the things suggested here are useful. Lists, routine etc. DH created a list for himself of the things he needed to check in the DC's nappy bags every day - it was the only way he could reliably get himself and DC out the door when he was a SAHD. I helped by meal planning for them and often doing the necessary research for activities - but he planned them and attended them.

I have 6 dc working mum from home and youngest 6months no sleep and all my golden rules are is clean toilets rubbish taken out daily clean clothes on everyone’s back and bedding I keep everything fool proof I leave my bathroom cleaning products permanently there I have mini bins everywhere and I stick the dishwasher on twice a day! 3 kids ago all school age at the time I used to be able to clean my bathroom with a toothbrush and do all my skirting boards doors walls etc 🤣 now I have 3 under 5 all disabled two non verbal asd adhd on ehc plan baby diagnosed as deaf from birth appointments are constant it’s IMPOSSIBLE! Healthy dinners in the slow cooker or takeaways every night some weeks fed is best! This won’t last forever 2 under 2 is HARD be kind to yourself ❤️

Op what specifically are you struggling with? 2 under 2 and bad sleepers is pretty much the trenches and you should just be focusing on survival.

I didn’t have 2 under 2 (2.3 year age gap with mine) although I can imagine it’s brutal, but I didn’t have a cleaner and just focused on the basics in terms of housework - house vaguely clean, laundry done, meals cooked. Proper cleaning and house stuff was done at the weekend when DH could look after kids, and even then it was very far from show home. Meals were definitely on the basic side and DH had to do his share with cooking and childcare (and sometimes getting supermarket pizza/takeaway on his way home from work cos I’d just lost the will that day)

Can your cleaner do more hours? How often do you have the aupair and can they be more efficient - ie take both kids at same time, or come when one is sleeping so you can have some time to yourself?