To not be able to run a household- help!

[Chukkachick]

Currently on maternity leave and I’m possibly the worlds worst housewife. I am really bad at managing our house - I’m disorganised and easily distracted, in a constant state of overwhelm. I struggle to stick to any sort of system or find the motivation to do chores. (Nb the important things are all done, I’m not talking neglect here)

I have 2 under 2 and I’m severely sleep deprived, the 7m baby wakes 4x a night, possibly also some PPD that I’m in denial about. But I am privileged to have no real financial worries, a cleaner every week and an au pair.

I just don’t think I ever really learned how to live independently, my mum would just tell me what I did wrong then do things for me, and I’ve been winging it ever since - which worked when it was just me.

I want to live a beautiful, organised family life. Where do I start - therapy, YouTube videos? Do I need to find a wife of my own??

Maybe I just need some MN’ers to shame me into moving my arse.

Help!

Agree with this. Give yourself a break, you must be exhausted and 2 under 2 is not the time in life to aspire to having a perfect house.

Cover the essentials and know that it will get easier. You don’t mention a partner? If there is one they need to be doing 50% of weekend tasks / childcare.

Agree with this. Give yourself a break, you must be exhausted and 2 under 2 is not the time in life to aspire to having a perfect house.

Cover the essentials and know that it will get easier. You don’t mention a partner? If there is one they need to be doing 50% of weekend tasks / childcare.

Do you not have a partner? Your cleaner is cleaning, your Au pair is helping with your child (and presumably doing other chores) and you have no financial worries. With that level of help the house must be clean and tidy and you get assistance with the childcare so those worries are alleviated for you. Cut yourself some slack. Definitely see the GP for your pnd though.

I had exactly the same thought as @CombatBarbie — and I don’t think it’s necessarily derogatory or dismissive. It’s hard to understand what exactly the OP is struggling with, and that makes it hard to offer advice. (It’s a bit like the ‘beautiful, organised life’ — what is that, exactly?)

I think the PPD is probably the biggest thing, OP. I hope you can get support for it.

The beautiful organised life is probably the instagram accounts with picture perfect houses and kids that we’ve all seen. They’re all selling a lie op and not realistic!

If you want to live a beautiful organised Instagram life you need to give up other things. Things like time spent playing with your children , getting mucky outside , lazy duvet days, sloppy Sundays, fun. It’s not worth it OP. Give in to the chaos of life with young children, it won’t last forever and your children won’t remember how shiny your kitchen floor was . They’ll remember time spent with you .

You are not really saying what the problem is here. Is the house filthy or untidy or are you just not getting things done with the children.

The basics are pretty simple though:

-start with a house where EVERYTHING has a place to be put away
-keep a diary or planner for appt
-keep a running list for shopping needed - make a note as you run out of things

Daily:

• wipe down kitchen surfaces, hob top, clear and clean dirty crockery, clean the kitchen sink. Check dishwasher salt and rinse aid when loading it. Wipe round oven.
• wipe round bathroom sink and worktop, clean loo. Wipe shower down after last use.
• do a load or two of laundry, fold and PUT AWAY. Keep one area (spare bed, drawer, in a basket on the side of laundry room) for the ironing pile
• deal with post as it arrives - open and bin/shred, or set aside on desk to be answered or paid

-empty bins -every evening before bed, plump sofa cushions, straighten throws, tidy remotes into one place

Twice weekly:
-quick dust and hoover
-mop hard floors

Weekly:

• change beds one day

-do some baking another day

• shop one day (clear and clean inside fridge before you go and check food dates/stock)

-iron on one day -admin on one day

Monthly and longer:
Deeper cleans of rooms
Windows
Sweep paths outside
Tidy car and get it washed

Its all about routine and planning.

How to keep house when you are drowning book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B09KTGVQRH/?coliid=II5DY51GRKW3Z&colid=3J9EENP9DC3UN&psc=0&ref_=list_c_wl_lv_ov_lig_dp_it

If you don’t feel up to reading the book - there is a couple of good podcasts about it here by the author https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-99

https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-100

I am not saying it’s your fault or you’re doing something wrong, but we have a very close couple that happened to have kids before us, we hang out a lot and I always found their life pretty chaotic even though they have lots of help (regular cleaner, access to healthy and expensive ready made meals for the baby/toddler, part time nursery even though friend is a SAHM etc), at the time I was childless so found it odd but wouldn’t judge as I had no idea what having kids entailed! I now work (almost) FT, have a toddler and at least 13months of maternity leave under my belt and can say with absolute certainty that if you don’t become very organized, practical and minimalist, you’ll spend all your money in comfort and will get nowhere! Of course the utmost priority is getting your PND sorted, I would also focus on sorting the baby sleep (with a 7 month old baby is perfectly possible to have some sort of routine even if they don’t STTN, at most a late night feed would be age appropriate), declutter your house so everything has a proper place to come back to and it’s easier to keep tidy, always prepare and freeze meals for the toddler and baby, have a set day to wash bedding, etc… I quickly realized that even with a cleaner and some degree of outsourcing, if I’m not on top of the planning and delegating properly things don’t go anywhere unfortunately. I have my grocery shopping delivered weekly, my meals are basic and repetitive (albeit healthy and taste moderately good 😁), I have lists to follow and try to keep everything simple (my kids probably have 1/3 of clothing than the average one, so easy to wash and tidy), these are all general ideas that work for me, but you need to find what’s hard for you and find a way!

Hmmm OP clearly states she can't run a household but has paid help.... So what part is she struggling with. Getting two kids up, ready for the day and out for an activity session? Not being able to prepare a meal for evening, or not having enough time for herself?

Or is it parenthood isn't the Instagram filled feed she thought it would be.

If it was a lone parent there would be lots of advice. Ie prep children's bags and uniforms/outfits night before, batch cook and freeze. Sleep when baby sleeps,

That's pretty much being a housewife...

Thank you all for your replies. I have just gone around doing a big tidy up and feel a lot better.

I really appreciate the empathetic responses (actually teared up at a few) and do value the ‘harsher’ ones - ‘The maths isn’t adding up’ which is the point of this post. I will be looking into PND, I don’t think I ever really ‘got over’ my first baby before getting pregnant with our second sooner than planned.

Some clarifications

Partner works and picks up the big cheques. Very good with the older kid, will be doing his nursery runs when I go back to work. I don’t expect any more from him in our situation. Doesn’t do ‘chores’ but that’s balanced with cleaner/au pair/finances. Always kind and never passes comment about the house, this is all coming from me.

yes ‘beautiful, organised life’ is probably social media bollocks that I have been flogging myself with. Kids are well looked after. I think clutter, laundry and lack of routine are my big things. I feel like if I stop moving things go backwards quickly. So I need to make myself some lists and set some expectations with my helpers.

also trying to organise our wedding in February so that can’t be helping!

thank you all again

What is it that you actually want sorting OP? Your house will look different you have 2 under 2! You have to learn to embrace the mess and embrace it.

Do you usually like everything super tidy?

Unless you're going to stick the two under two in the under the stairs cupboard it's never going to be a magazine home.

Stop comparing to YouTube etc, comparison is the thief of joy. If you have a au pair & a cleaner I can't imagine your home is bad.

If you’re a housewife with kids at school - or no kids - you’re going to have time during the day to do more than the bare minimum. Maybe to make the house really tidy and organised, not just clean enough to pass muster. Maybe to plan interesting meals, or to make the garden look nice, or to do some DIY, or to iron all the clothes. Being on mat leave with 2 under 2 is typically just survival mode. OP shouldn’t beat herself up for being a ‘bad’ housewife - being a housewife is a lifestyle choice that suggests a woman wants to stay home and excel in domestic tasks - OP doesn’t need to put that pressure on herself.

As a former housewife (briefly) I was just saying that's pretty much the job description. Didn't say say she needed to be one

With young children and broken sleep it is a bit of winging it.

Try to get as much of a routine as possible for the children ie breakfast, lunch, snacks etc all at same kind of time. Try and introduce 'quiet time'- pick whatever time your baby naps and encourage the older one to rest with a book or even a movie at that time. At thar point take a rest yourself.

See if you can get into a routine of any activities you go to like baby / toddler groups so you know you'll get out the house for a bit.

As for the house. So long as it is hygienic and everyone has food and clean clothes then that's all you need to aim for for now. Limit toys and rotate them so you don't have everything they own tipped out at once. Get the children to help with tasks too such as sweeping or dusting. It won't be clean but they learn it's important and part of the routine which will help as they grow.

You have two under two. Your priority is getting through each day, which you are succeeding at.

Maternity leave isn’t about being a housewife or looking after the home. It’s about looking after your child, so what on earth do you think you’re failing at?

She’s got a cleaner and an Au Pair! The OP isn’t short of help, she’s short of confidence and motivation. Not the same thing.

If you’ve an au pair are you able to get a nap in each day to try and counteract the broken sleep? My oldest didn’t sleep through until gone 2, so I fully appreciate how brutal it is - but if you’ve got the opportunity to nap, grab it with both hands!
Weirdly I find it much harder on maternity leave to be in a routine - in a way, I’m looking forward to going back to work (also 2 under 2!) because it forces me into a bit of a routine and to just crack on rather than doom scrolling social media in an exhausted haze.
My general tips:

• Declutter. Pick one drawer/room (whatever is manageable) a day and sort it. Be ruthless. If you haven’t used it in 6 months, get rid. Spend a little bit of time and money getting some decent storage solutions in place so everything has a home, but once you cut down on the crap it becomes a lot simpler! I have a bag in each of the kids wardrobes, everytime something doesn’t fit or gets stained beyond use, I chuck it in the bag. Every month or two I go through it, and deal with the items accordingly
• put the laundry away as soon as it’s dried - it takes an extra 5 minutes and then it’s done, otherwise the piles of clean, dry laundry mount up until it’s overwhelming. The piles of washing trigger me like nothing else and it literally takes an extra few minutes to put it away if you’re folding it to put in a basket.
• slow cooker and then freeze the extra so you always have spare meals, I also get a couple of goustocmeals a week
• alllll the lists
• don’t do it later - I am the world’s biggest procrastinator but I’m training myself to just do it now - if the sink needs cleaning I just grab a sponge and sort it quickly etc so I can stay on top of things
• be kind to yourself, it’s bloody hard work!

She hasn't slept more than a couple of hours at a time since her baby was born, and she thinks she may have PND.

Her brain is fried.

This.

I'm an old fogey too.

Look after your own mental health, OP. Don't let PND fester.

Your babies won't appreciate a sparkling, Instagram-perfect house. They will appreciate a mother who is able to engage with them, who is happy in her own skin.

Please get assessed for PND. Treatment if needed will make an enormous difference to how you feel about yourself.

Another vote for 'How to Keep House while Drowning'. So helpful.