I don’t know how to look after my young children

[KaboomI]

I have a 2 month old baby and an almost two year old.

The toddler goes to sleep with me reading books and then falls asleep whilst I’m in the room with them.

In the meantime the baby is with dad either asleep (after I settled him to sleep) or awake. If the baby is awake or wakes up in general he will cry until I come.

It is a big change for the toddler to adapt to the new baby so try to train them to go to sleep on their own really doesn’t seem an option. They won’t have dad put them to bed.

How do I get the toddler to go to sleep for the night and look after the baby at the same time?

I used to mainly be feeding the baby while the toddler was going to sleep so just had them in the same room.

But it's a good idea to get working on both of them accepting either parent doing the bulk of bedtime.

This is why my baby has one bottle a day, so I can have guaranteed 1-1 time with my older one at her bedtime (reading bedtime stories). My baby is breastfed the rest of the time.

Dad is not stepping up, unlikely he will be able to put the toddler to sleep. Baby doesn’t know how to drink from a bottle but we could try to get him learn how to drink from one.

Imo it's always handy for the baby to be happy with a bottle. You never know when you might be called away from home eg if you or the older child has to go to hospital. It happened to a friend of mine and was a total nightmare for her.

What do you mean by Dad not stepping up? He can't be bothered or doesn't feel able? Would he give the bottle?

I tried doing what @DappledThings suggested, breastfeeding while doing dc1's bedtime reading at the same time, but for us, it didn't work. Sometimes my baby fussed loudly at the breast all of a sudden and he'd do that just as dd is dropping off so she'd startle awake and then we'd have to begin again.

Doesn’t feel able but also values his own time too much to make effort with the toddler.

Wow, what a prick. Don't have any more kids with him.

You kick dad up the arse until he takes his turn sitting with the toddler.

I had this pronlem when my 3rd was a baby I ended up breastfeeding DS2 while sitting with DS1 and patting his head so he'd go to sleep. Sometimes Id put baby in the rocker and rock him with my foot while sitting with DS1. It was a really tough time. XH needed his down time aka gaming on the computer ror hours. You could also baby wear if they'd be happy in a sling or carrier.

@KaboomI its not you who doesn't know how to do this, it takes time but you will work it out, their father on the other hand he has NFI.

No wonder you're struggling if you're basically doing it alone. He needs to get his act together.

I used to breastfeed the baby (to keep them calm) on the toddler’s bed while reading the story and soothing the toddler. I had to do the weeknight bedtime alone for years and it did work ok. When we had three children, we would all sit on the bed or on the floor of the children’s room.

But obviously if your husband is there then he should help !

Haha - the Dad is a different story. At the moment I’m trying to work out how I could do it completely alone.

It sounds like you already are

Too bad he should've thought about his own time before committing to another child. You are both parents he needs to step up and help. Do not allow him to opt out or that will be the story of your life forever. You'll be left to do everything .sending hugs

Ignoring the dad issue. I would suggest trying to feed the baby and when fed, need to put down somewhere safe, while you settle the toddler. If that means toddler goes to bed a bit late due to feed them so be it, it's more the routine of settle baby, spend time and settle toddler that you need. You may even be able with a bit of practice read a story while feeding baby and then get toddler a shorter bed time story.

Good luck - you will find a routine that works.

When mine were newborn and 2 I used to have a bouncer type ikea chair pulled next to the head of the toddlers bed. I read a story and sat with them in the dark while feeding the baby.

It's going to be a shit show whatever you try until your baby develops a more predictable sleeping pattern.

Personally, I would let toddler come in your bed, read some stories and all lie down comfily together (you feeding baby) until toddler falls asleep. Then transfer sleeping toddler to their own bed. Yes, you might be storing up bad habits for later but at least you'll all be comfortable in the meantime.

I'd also leave Mr I Value My Time So Can't be Arsed With My Kids downstairs on his own and go to sleep with the children. Everything will feel better with a bit more sleep and you might get some lovely time to yourself in the morning before they all wake up.

Has dad always been like this? Not bothering with his kid? Or has this only started since you had the new baby?

To give him some credit I think he is better than some described in other posts, he doesn’t go out with mates, hobbies, etc. at the weekends for hours, doesn’t play video games but doesn’t really spend any quality time with the toddler, despite ample opportunities. Will sit on the sofa looking at his phone whilst the toddler is asking for attention.

He bonded more with the first one, didn’t bond with this baby at all and doesn’t seem interested.

So he is around all the time but acts like he is doing me favours.

but also values his own time

Me too, funnily enough…

Dont let this deadbeat get away with it because then it will truly be a battle when they’re older and you’ll forever be doing bedtime single-handedly for all DC.

It’s called weaponised incompetence OP. See straight through it.

I always brought baby in for story time too. Get them snuggled up on the bed, helps toddler to see them as family, and baby gets to hear your voice to stay settled. You also need to be out of the house at bedtime regularly so toddler goes to be with other people

This is exactly what it is.