I don’t know how to look after my young children

[KaboomI]

I have a 2 month old baby and an almost two year old.

The toddler goes to sleep with me reading books and then falls asleep whilst I’m in the room with them.

In the meantime the baby is with dad either asleep (after I settled him to sleep) or awake. If the baby is awake or wakes up in general he will cry until I come.

It is a big change for the toddler to adapt to the new baby so try to train them to go to sleep on their own really doesn’t seem an option. They won’t have dad put them to bed.

How do I get the toddler to go to sleep for the night and look after the baby at the same time?

Tried baby in bed with toddler but they really didn’t like it. It’s the only time when we are just the two of us since baby arrived. But I realise that the suggestions provided above are pretty much the only options of doing it all alone.

It's hard doing two in the evening all by yourself with a tiny baby. My DH is rarely back from work in time for bedtime - not weaponised incompetence, since he's perfectly capable at the weekends, but a workaholic - so I've done most bedtimes for the two alone from the start.

We have a bigger age gap - 5 years - which helped but it does mean that the older one has to get to bed at a reasonable time otherwise they're exhausted for school the next day and obviously no chance to nap. At the start, bedtime for my then 5yo was pushing 9-10pm a lot of the time because the baby was high-needs and very unsettled. Like your LO, DC1 doesn't like going to sleep by themselves without having an adult there and a little chat about their day. Bedtime is when all the worries come out.

There's no magic answer - you just do your best and it will get better in time. Now they both have their bath at the same time and the older one reads or plays with toys for 10-20 minutes while I settle the little one. We're still late to bed some nights (which means a tired child for school), but nearer 8pm than 9pm usually.

Life isn't always perfect.
My 1st was 2 1/2 when my 2nd was born. My partner is away over night a fair bit.
While I never left mine to cry it out my younger sometimes had to have a bit of a whinge while I put the older one to bed. I really felt he deserved that time. But I also never stayed with them until they fall asleep. So it was more like Bath....story with both and snuggle just with him for a few minutes. Just to make sure he felt lived too.
Didn't harm my younger one I don't think.
But....if my partner was home he'd put the older one to bed and read him a story.

What I couldn't cope with in your situation is that there are two perfectly functional adults in the house and yet your children are both receiving subpar care (not that it will harm them in the long run, but still...) because one adult can't be bothered to put them first and insists on their 'right' to sit like a stuffed potato on the sofa, despite there being kids to look after. I'd find that hard to forgive.

Sending my best wishes.

Just in case your dh is salvageable and not a hopeless case...

Send your dh to go to a secondhand bookshop with dc1. They can choose lots of books together (at the Oxfam Books near me, all kids' books are 50p/£1). Then they can get excited about Daddy doing the bedtime reading. Those books will be "Daddy's books" ensuring that he must do bedtime.

If he really doesn't give a shit though, this won't work

Your problem isn't the baby here, or the toddler.

Sit him down and tell him he's a parent now and he has to forget about 'his own time' and start being a team player.

And the problem isn't that you 'don't know how to look after your children'.

He problem is that you have a partner who isn't actually a partner at all. He's selfish, he's taking you for granted, and he needs a very stern talking to. He needs to grow up and get up to speed fast.

Make it clear what your expectations are and how disappointed you will be if he falls short.

It is no credit if all he does is sit there to watch you struggling alone! It is worse.

He won't bond with them if he is doing nothing with them. Just get him told, he either works out how to put his toddler to bed or how to settle his baby.

Any agree with pp, don't have anymore dc with him. Surprised your fanny hasn't sealed shut with that behaviour.

Pretty much agree with what everyone is saying. Not sure if things are salvageable - partly because of my expectations but mainly through his actions.

I think there is an element of him not coping but the way he has gone about it I find hard to sympathise with. Every time I tried to talk about it it’s dismissed and it’s me being critical. He’ll do stuff around the house but as someone posted he is not bonding and then he also complains that the toddler doesn’t love him as much as me.

Hi OP,

Dad issues aside (sounds like you’re already doing it alone and would be easier without the resentment of a third child), I have a 2 year old and 12 week old and my OH works long hours so often isn’t around at bedtime. I sit in the armchair in toddler’s room and feed the baby while we read a book or two, and then just continue to feed her as the toddler goes to sleep. If she’s really unsettled we all go into my bed and I can lay down with them both while the toddler falls asleep. If the baby doesn’t want a feed I put her in her bath seat on the floor while we read books etc.

He values his "own time" over spending time with his own child? Can't believe I've just read that. HE'S the problem here not you or the children.

So many men are like this. It's depressing.

They get away with it because women are default.