Family going on holiday without us

[wtfisupwithmyfamily]

All my family are going on a 'family' holiday without me and DC. That's parents, siblings plus partners and DC.

The idea first came about in 2022. At that time I let the organiser know when we would be available based on a CAO that has been in place for years. I'm not going to go into it but it's really not easy to move away from this order and also I wouldn't want to try unless it was a matter of life and death. Big backstory but suffice to say ex is very difficult.

Other family members don't have the same kinds of restrictions on when they can go.

Shortly after the initial discussion, a date and location was suggested. I immediately responded that it wouldn't work due to contact arrangements (which they should have known anyway from the details I had shared) and expected an alternative solution to be suggested, but instead it was just booked immediately and I was basically told it was hard luck. So I realised it wasn't important to them that we were there.

Some time later I was asked again by the organiser if I would go. I explained again why I couldn't but that a minor change to the dates would make it possible and wouldn't inconvenience anyone else. At this point original arrangements had fallen through so it was possible to change things as nothing was booked and it was still so far off anyway. I was told they would look into it but I heard nothing.

As I understand it there have been several changes of plan since, but never in a way that would allow me and DC to attend.

Now it seems it is definitely going ahead, on the dates that don't work for us.

So as not to drip feed, the organiser is paying but I would happily have paid for us anyway.

I haven't told DC the whole family will be going away without us and don't intend to if I can avoid it.

The organiser has had so many opportunities to change plans to accommodate my DC's availability and hasn't. And the others seem to be going along with it as if it doesn't matter if we aren't there.

I'm pretty much NC with the organiser now. I don't want to hold it against the rest of my family but wtf? AIBU to be pissed off? I feel so sad for my DC.

How do you know minor date changes wouldn’t inconvenience anyone else? It’s a logistic nightmare to organise these kinds of things, so many moving parts.

I'm sorry but you can't possibly know others or the accommodations, flights etc restrictions.

Unfortunately your obligation is the issue not everyone else.

Because I know the details HappyEater. I don't think the others were even asked whether the dates could be changed.

I was proposing a minor tweak to a holiday that was being discussed in 2022 to take place in 2024. How could that have inconvenienced anyone? There was more than enough time to organise annual leave for those who need to. In fact, the changes I was proposing probably wouldn't even mean a change to their time off work.

I looked at the accommodation. There wasn't an issue with it. Flights also wouldn't have been an issue either. I checked. And we're talking well over a year in advance.

Oh OP that is just shitty - I really do feel for you. I’m so sorry.
I think you need to 1. spell out how this has made you feel or 2. accept that they may not actually realise. If you spell it out and they go ahead without you, then personally I would go NC. Are they hoping you would go without DC?

You're asking how over a year in advance it would inconvenience anyone, but at the same time those dates inconvenience you. I think you need to maybe speak to exDP and try explain the situation.

I did spell it out to them when they asked me again. They said they would look at changing things and then did nothing. But they are so cowardly they haven't even bothered admitting they're doing nothing.

This isn't a huge surprise. It's the normal pattern of things. I'm not upset for me as I'm used to it. I'm upset for my DC. No, they don't expect me to go without DC. They pretend to want to spend time with my DC and never do anything to make that happen.

My other family members have probably been told I'm being difficult but at least one knows the whole situation.

You're asking how over a year in advance it would inconvenience anyone, but at the same time those dates inconvenience you. I think you need to maybe speak to exDP and try explain the situation

Oh ffs @ketchuptomato are you completely tone deaf or deliberately obtuse? It's perfectly clear from the posts that the relationship with ex is difficult and if it were possible to rearrange contact op would have done this

@wtfisupwithmyfamily you might want to take a look at the stately homes threads on here, you are on the wrong board for something like this

That's shit OP. Does everyone else know you and your children have been excluded? I would explain to the whole family how hurt you are that you and your children are unwelcome. What they did after that would determine what I did next. If they aren't mortified and try to fix it, then I would create a lot of distance between them. Your children don't need to hear about the fun holiday the entire family including cousins had without them. I think I would be done with them to be honest.

Can you just take the slightly different flights then?

so if it’s something like DC contact day is Saturday and can’t miss it but they are flying out on a Saturday

can you then just book the flights for the Sunday for you and DC? So you miss a day but still get most of the week together?

it does sound crap but if there’s a minor tweak that makes it work for you, can you do that minor tweak yourself and catch them up?

I get it OP
I'd feel the same

It's not quite as simple as that. And because I never heard from them again about arrangements and whether they were finalised or changing how would I know what the latest plans are anyway to book flights?

I would have been happy to find and book a holiday that meets everyone's requirements and saved them the bother.

Hi come over to the stately homes thread, a new one has just started. We all have various family issues and most of us are NC or LC. So we get it 💐

Oh I've been on stately homes threads in the past! Not for a good few years. Thanks for the invite though. I may reappear under a different name there at some point.

OK but then call up the organiser and have the conversation?

hello, I’d like to know where plans have got to? Is something booked? What are the specifics?

as I’d really like me and DC to be able to come even if it means we have to travel separately to make the dates work given the situation with my ex.

have THAT conversation and see where it gets you? If they are being evasive then you know they are being shitty.

but maybe it’s a misunderstanding?

you clearly care so maybe it’s worth finding out which?

Sone people are just lazy or not able to organise! They just go.......I can't do it, book something and that's it.

Very unkind and thoughtless about how you and your DCs will feel though.

Hold old are your kids?

If they're young I guess they want a holiday with a peaceful vibe

I get it op, it's poor form

I can't believe the first few posts. Well, actually I can 🙄

You are definitely nbu to be annoyed and I'd be making it very clear to my family why I would now, because of this, be going low contact with them.

After having similar things happen to us with DH’s family over the years I’ve taken a “civil” but won’t put myself out even a little bit for them.

I make zero effort on anything to do with them.

It’s extremely hurtful to realize that your family doesn’t give a shit about you, but the realization is actually helpful to how you go forward.

OP I’m sorry this sucks

Have you posted this before? Or are there two sucky families doing this?

I would consider messaging them all individually, wishing them a wonderful time and stating you really would love to have come but your ex has barred you from taking the dc. Then say you’re really sad that the suggested x dates didn’t work for the group as you’d have been able to make it. Basically call out the organiser… or see if someone else can’t make those dates.

Yes, Mummyoflittle dragon, that would provide information as well as wishing them well.
It's weird.

Just tell the organisers to let you know when the plans are finalised and flights booked. And then you can join them for part of the holiday as per your schedule.

Don't let your children miss out because there’s been poor communication so far..

Like I said, it's not that simple. If I had the details far enough in advance I could have negotiated a way for DC to be there for a worthwhile part of the holiday. Now it's closer, that's not realistic. I made this clear to the organiser at the point when they said they were going to look at things again.

This isn't about poor communication. Let's go back to the start. I communicated dates I could do. When dates that wouldn't work were booked, I immediately said that didn't work. The holiday was booked for those dates within the next 24 hours and I was told hard luck. Then several times since they've had the chance to change arrangements to make it easier for DC to go and haven't.

I think overall I'm more pissed off with other family members who don't seem to care. It's not nice to know they don't have my back.

Could you not just meet them out there? That's what I would do. So at least you and DC get to go but on the dates that are suitable for you.