To not want to remember the dates of my parents' deaths?

[Sturmundcalm]

My parents both died a few years ago, only a few months apart. It was during Covid restrictions too so the funerals were far from normal but we did then have a joint service for them once we could (on a meaningful date).

I don't want to remember/commemorate when my parents died. I think about them randomly throughout the year anyway and at times like Christmas or their birthdays I do something like flowers at the grave but I don't want to do the dates of their death. Quite a few folk message me on those dates to say they are thinking of me, etc. And while I know the intention is lovely actually I don't want it!

WIBU to (gently, hopefully) tell people to stop reminding me? I'd quite happily forget those dates but that's difficult when other folk text you or ask you to do something.

YANBU. Its your grief process, you get to choose what works best for you when it's a close family member.

I'm the same op. Both my parents are dead now...I never remember anniversaries and I really don't see the point of doing so.

I am the same. I have 4 siblings, some commemorate deathdays, others don't.

You’re not being unreasonable. My dad died last year and I don’t wish to mark the day he died in anyway and I hope I don’t get any messages of condolence either. His birthday, wedding anniversary with mum and Christmas have been sad enough, I don’t need yet another day for anyone to twist the knife.

I’ve nothing against people who do want to mark the day of a loved ones death and will offer my condolences on that day if it’s right for them.

Definitely tell them. After nearly twenty years, one of my husband's aunts still send my MIL a card every year on the anniversary of FIL's death. She has been asked not to several times as it upsets MIL, but she insists it's the right thing to do 🙄

I’m with you. I have a cousin who always rings me on the anniversary of the death of my mother. I wish she wouldn’t. However, my mother used to write anniversaries of deaths on the calendar even going into decades ago. Just weird really.

I’m with you, I don’t like to remember the days my parents died, 28 and 15 years ago now, others do though. Tbh even without people reminding you, it’s still there in the back of your mind I just try not to dwell on it.

i found for the first you times a gentle reply to their messages “thanks for your thoughts, I’m trying not to dwell on today though, I remember mum on her birthday when we shared such happy times “ it takes a year or two, but people do eventually stop reminding you, you will still come across their posts on social media though, which I just scroll past.

I am the same , I don't try to remember the dates of anything sad. I intentionally try to forget them. However I still get msgs on my DM,DD & DH death date.

I have started replying to the msg bg saying , Thankyou for thinking of me but I would rather not have reminders of the day x died , instead I remember X Y dates when we did A B.

I am hoping it sinks in with people. This year time will tell .

I don't 'like' to remember the date my loved one died, I don't think anyone would enjoy it
However the date comes every year at the same time, the weather is the same, the same smells in the air and the memories come flooding back.
Now many years gone by there are just close family members who will call to say they are thinking of me, it always touches me to know that they, too, remember, that he did actually exist and was real
I have a friend who told me she did not want to recall the death date of her parents when I phoned her on the first anniversary. That, too, is cool. You just tell people

I find it strange that anyone reminds you, do you mean family?

I'm embarrassed to say that I can't remember the dates of either of my parents' deaths. I have to look at a diary. I do think about them often though.

You're not being unreasonable but neither are they. But if you genuinely don't want to remember or acknowledge those dates you'll need to tell them.

Not at all - I'm not sure what year my parents died, never mind the exact date. Doesn't mean I didn't love them. Just that anniverseries of deaths aren't important to me.

Please do tell friends, they are being well meaning because many people do mark the date, if you don't want to that's fine, just tell them

I don't even remember the date that my husband died. Caring for him meant I was in a kind of parallel universe where things like what day it was didn't even register. So it means nothing to me, and if I did remember the date it still wouldn't mean anything to me.

However I have a friend who always sends me a brief text on the day, and I'm always touched by that. And my DD always posts a photo of her dad on FB on that date, and I'm glad that it matters to her.

YANBU - everyone grieves differently and I think it would be ok to send a message thanking them for their message but saying you don’t really commemorate the day they died.

i think so much depends on the circumstances- my dad died a few years ago on a random day after a short illness, I could tell you the month but not the date. I never really think of him on that date, but I remember him on his birthday. However my mum died when I was in my teens at Christmas time, and for that reason the festive period is always a bit emotional for me. I’m always touched if someone remembers.

I can’t say I make a point of remembering the date of DM’s death, but I can’t help remembering DF’s. We knew shortly before Christmas that he hadn’t got long, and a young nephew whose birthday is in early January, said, ‘I hope Grandpa doesn’t die on my birthday!’
But he did.

As Dsis told him, though, it would just be a reminder of a much loved and very jolly grandpa, who’d never have wanted anyone to be sad on his account.

YANBU. As a family we don't mark anniversaries either. I only remember the date of my dad's because the first anniversary of his death was the day Manchester Arena was bombed.

My friend lost her sister more recently and she's much more into anniversaries, birthdays etc. It's her way of handling her grief. Everyone does things differently. There's no right or wrong way.

If your friends say anything this year just say "thank you, but I don't really mark the anniversary". That might stop them saying anything going forwards.

I get what you are saying. I notice the dates of my parents’ deaths but I’d rather celebrate their lives, so I mark their birthdays by doing something instead. I wear my mum’s favourite colour and eat my dad’s favourite meal. I seem to need to do something “official” for me to help me grieve.

I do feel odd on the anniversaries of their deaths, however, no matter how much I try to distract myself, so take the days off work to make it easier on myself. I would love to forget those dates, but my body remembers even down to the time of mum’s death.

I agree, we had a death that happened on the date of another Happy occasion and it is always brought up on that day by one person , we don't forget our dead and only think of them on that day they are constantly in our thoughts. I'd rather remember their lives and good memories than the day they passed

My dad died a week after his birthday and so now we focus on his birthday and sharing good memories.

I lost my dad unexpectedly 7 weeks ago, just 2 days after my birthday. I had plans with him for my birthday on the day that he died. I know I don't want to mark the date of his death, but I know that I won't be able to help but think about it. I'll do the same thing that I did with him every year for my birthday and think about him, because it was our thing. I won't shout about it to anyone else though and I hope I don't get a flood of messages from friends and family marking the day. I don't think it would be unreasonable for anyone in this position to politely ask people not to bring it up.

I am the same about my daughter. Her birthday is different but I don’t want to remember the day she died. I think if you just explain to the people who contact you that they will understand.

My parents died a few years ago. I can only remember the month and year they died not the actual date. I think of them both several times a day and wouldn't be happy if people felt the need to remind me of the actual day.
I always think longer about them on their birthdays however - particularly last year when they would have been 100.

Make sure you've removed every social media post that relates - all too often people get reminded 'on this day' - they wouldn't remember otherwise!

Same. I don’t know when they died. I think of them throughout the year and always on their birthdays