To not want to remember the dates of my parents' deaths?

[Sturmundcalm]

My parents both died a few years ago, only a few months apart. It was during Covid restrictions too so the funerals were far from normal but we did then have a joint service for them once we could (on a meaningful date).

I don't want to remember/commemorate when my parents died. I think about them randomly throughout the year anyway and at times like Christmas or their birthdays I do something like flowers at the grave but I don't want to do the dates of their death. Quite a few folk message me on those dates to say they are thinking of me, etc. And while I know the intention is lovely actually I don't want it!

WIBU to (gently, hopefully) tell people to stop reminding me? I'd quite happily forget those dates but that's difficult when other folk text you or ask you to do something.

I don't commemorate either. I remember the date my dad died but not my mum unless i think hard what date it was. I think of both more in terms of years than dates.

I agree, OP - I want to remember the happy times, the silly, giggling times, the exciting times. I do not want a reminder of bereavement, ever.

Some people are more bound up in thinking of death than they are in remembering life.

Same here. That time around it is such a blur that I had no idea what date it was and I still don't. They're always in my thoughts and were so loved.
I don't think the date matters.

YANBU at all. You are entitled to remember them as you like, there are no rules.

@GigiGrey

💐

I admit I do remember the anniversaries of my parents deaths. I often post something eg a favourite picture on my Facebook page saying ‘Still missing you Mum/Dad’.

I think of them constantly throughout the year though, not just then!

However, everyone is different and you just need to do what is right for you x

Yanbu.
Everyone is different and there is no right or wrong when it comes to your loss. Only right for you and wrong for you.

I think it would be really helpful for you to let them know. I text friends on the days loved ones have died. I always second guess myself but end up texting as I don't want them to think I don't care. If they told me not too I'd happily stop.

My family usually thinks of the person on their birthday rather than focusing on the death. The only exception my mum made was for my twin sister (obviously we shared a birthday and I was still alive so mum used to have flowers in the house on the anniversary of her death). I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to grieve.

YANBU but I do have mixed feelings. My brother died in his 20’s and I was really touched when two of my best friends messaged on the year anniversary and I did get my parents flowers so we marked the date. However it’s been many years now and they still do it which I find a bit strange. One also does it on my mum’s anniversary and one year I had totally forgotten so when I got the text it was a really unwelcome reminder of a horrific time.

I feel completely the same OP, I don’t purposefully remember the date my mum died, her birthday is different but I try and mark that by doing something nice that she would’ve enjoyed to try and mark her memory positively.

I would tell them you’d rather remember your parents in your own way and to not remind you in this way, I’d find it very upsetting if someone did this to me.

thanks everyone - didn't want to come back to the thread yesterday to post but did read everyone's messages and they did help. i blocked a FB message and while I didn't go back to anyone with a specific "don't" type message I did make the decision to ignore a couple and my DH is going to speak to his sister at some point to say that i prefer not to mark those dates.

have also realised recently that part of the problem is that i've always been a people-pleaser and taken the path of least resistance so trying to shift my approach to life generally combined with stuff that upsets me is not easy! at this point passive resistance is the best I can manage but I will work up to being more direct.

and hope the discussion has been helpful for some of you - good to know that other people do feel the same as me. someone mentioned not wanting to be reminded of that specific time and that's definitely part of the issue, that first covid year was pretty hellish for me and i want to just put it in a box and not think about it!

I wish I could forget, but it was close to a holiday. I don't blame you op, I'd forget if I could but nope, this holiday will taunt me every bloody year now, a holiday I once loved is now one I despise. No idea how to get past it either.

I couldn't even tell you the date on which either of my parents died. I've never given them a second thought

Tell them. Send a text back that thanks them for their thoughts, says you really appreciate it and to let them know that going forward you want to focus your remembrance on your parents' lives rather than deaths so would appreciate those same thoughts on their birthdays rather than death days. Then remind them what their birthdays were.

Ynbu, message your people. I know when my dad left us with a big hole and we don't need reminding 🥰

YANBU.

I would like to forget the date my DF passed, but it was just 6 days before my birthday, so I doubt I ever will.