Play dates - anyone else's child never invited?

[FallingStar21]

Just seeking other parents' experiences and opinions. DS is 7, likeable enough to have several good friends and invited to many classmates' birthday parties. He loves play dates, so we've been inviting his friends over. Problem is, he is never invited back - apart from once, to a friend's house after friend had come to ours many times and we'd taken him on a family day out (I can't help but think the mum was just feeling guilty at this point). Another friend has also been over lots, but parents never offered a play date at their house. These are his closest friends but we have invited others too (albeit not so many times), who also never reciprocated. I know that people don't owe us anything and life is busy, etc. It's just that I know how much my DS would love to be invited (from things he's said) and I feel sorry for him. Personally, I also can't imagine accepting invites continuously from the same people but never offering to host.
So I am trying to understand if that's fairly common or have we just not found the right friends/parents for mutual playdates?
And what are your experiences?

Mine have never been invited to play dates but tbf we don’t do them either

I like play dates in the sense that I don’t mind having other children here and would happily have them every day but I find actually arranging them very hard as I am massively socially awkward. When I do manage to sort one though I don’t expect it to be reciprocated which is just as well really because they never are!

Is your house particularly beautiful? My daughter doesn't invite many of her friends to ours because our house is small and ugly compared to the mansions some of them live in, so she's embarrassed.

My DC is an only child and I sort him out with play dates more or less every weekend or we would all go mad. He’s rarely invited back, because all of his friends have bigger families - in the same size house we do, so less space / more laundry and mess - and are running all over the place much of the time taking their various kids to birthday parties and clubs and activities at the weekend. Most parents also both work f/t with no family support & no spare money for cleaners etc so the weekend is the only time they can catch up on jobs around the house.

We’ve got good relationships with DS’s friends’ families and are happy just to have someone else to keep him occupied for a bit, and happy it gives them some breathing room.

My DS has never been on a playdate and we struggle to organise them because of work. I think even if he was invited on one we'd struggle to reciprocate. I don't really hear of other kids going on playdates from school unless the parents are good friends and hang out together anyway so it sounds to me like it's not the done thing anymore. I went on lots of playdates as a child but my mum was a SAHM and I think that's quite rare these days.

It's really lovely that you're able to host other children for playdates and I expect your child really enjoys them, but I'm sure there are fine reasons for him not being invited elsewhere. I would just keep doing what you're doing and explain to your DS that everyone's situations are different.

In the same boat here. I used to host playdates a lot. I like hosting and I find it easier being in my own home. But I noticed they were rarely reciprocated so I stopped doing them, and now we don't have any playdates! My eldest is only 5 and is at a new school, and I just don't know how to initiate playdates now! All new parents and no one is forthcoming. It's been so long (months) that I don't even really know what they'd play with on a playdate. I used to get out colouring stuff, puzzles and games. Is this still appropriate or do they just go up to his room? We haven't had any playdate or birthday invitations at all since starting in September. It's so strange to me! We got lots in preschool and I really love organising kids parties with all the traditional games etc, but it's like that time has already passed us by because people don't do it anymore 😭 Sorry, off on a tangent lol. I used to go on playdates and to birthday parties all the time throughout primary school and like PP I believe that hosting and being in someone else's house are life skills that really shouldn't be lost. Are kids just over scheduled now? In the end, I signed my child up to a load of activities because otherwise he'd just be at home with me after school, when really I'd prefer he just go on playdates!

It makes me sad to hear so many DC don’t have play dates, or have ‘outgrown’ them, or are so busy with clubs and activities that there isn’t time. I was always having people round to my house / going round to friends’ houses when I was a child. I don’t know how I would have formed close friendships otherwise.

I have found that people mainly just don't want the hassle and mess at their own house (but are happy for me to take all that on time and time again 🤷)

Maybe they would be happiest with no playdates, but if you are inviting their child then they would be disappointing both children by saying no. Would you prefer them to say "No thank you, because we wouldn't want to reciprocate"?

I do lots of playdates because it suits me to do so. My son is an only child, he is very sociable, and has a lot of friends. Some of his friends have four siblings and really no need for playdates, but he enjoys having them over and it isn't that much work.

One thing I wonder is whether you have a beautiful home and arrange excellent playdates? For some reason people expect me to have a beautiful home and serve organic home baked snacks. Once they have seen my scruffy house and the extremely basic standard of catering provided, I notice they are much quicker to invite my son around for a few hours because they don't have to worry about looking bad by comparison.

I agree with this. I think many kids lives are so structured these days that there is no space for spontaneity and fun times with friends and friends are not a priority over family time and activities. I think this will create some very lonely teenagers and young adults.

My kids are older now and one doesn't live at home anymore but when they were kids just 10-15 years ago or so they had plenty of friends who came over and they went to their places. They didn't wreck the place, they just played, watched movies, went in the garden etc. It sounds like a playdate these days has expectations of being something grand that needs clearing up after and arranging way in advance.

I'm happy with the occasional play date. I'm a single mum, I work school hours but demanding job (SEN TA) my DC both do 3 clubs a week and we live in a small terrace house.

Some of the people that don't reciprocate are in the same circumstances as me but not single mums and others have dificult circumstances like massive age gaps between DC so they often like the younger ones to spend time with mine while the other parent in thier set-up is dealing with a houseful of teenagers.

This is one area of my life I feel in control of. If they had loads of play dates at least I don't have to go all over the place picking them up. Also, I'd rather have a house full of kids than be hanging around in the park even though our parks are nice!

We had this, and my DD got fed up.of always having to share her toys and never being able to go elsewhere and play with her friends toys. I also got fed up of always doing the hosting. So I stopped. I know my daughter would enjoy an occassional playdate, but we only do with friends who reciprocate or we go out to soft play etc.

I had one group of friends who in 4 years never once invited us to their homes. Not once. I know others in the small group were invited sometimes, but I got fed up of the assumption I would always be happy to host. Even when we had 6 months with no garden including over the summer, no actual offer of a garden run around appeared despite some noises about it.

Same group used to meet up in the evenings fairly regularly, it was pretty much expected that because I didn't drink, I would drive round to collect and drop everyone off. Once, just once, someone else offered to drive, but said it was too far out of their way to collect me - they literally had to drive within 200 metres of the end of my road to get to the place we were meeting. That was the beginning of the end as I was already a bit resentful!

I understand some people work/have busy lives/are having work done at home so can't always offer to host, but to always have it just one way is taking the piss and I don't tolerate it any more.

This. Our house looks grandiose from the outside, but is a wreck within, and while I work flexibly enough to be able to host playdates fairly often, I'm usually in my study at the top of the house, while the children eat hastily-prepared pasta and tomato sauce and run riot below. DS is a sociable only child, so I've always had lots of other children around.

I honestly have difficulty fathoming that someone who refuse to have other children around because they're too houseproud to deal with mess. No wonder so many Mners struggle with friendships in general.

I love playdates as it entertains my very needy 6 year old for a few hours - he's useless at independent play so having a friend round gives me a nice break! I do tend to host though as he's quite fiery and has insane energy levels. When he first started school he was invited on lots of playdates but only a few have ever asked him again 😔Yes my house gets trashed, but it's worth the tidy-up.

@TheYearOfSmallThings Yes! I also notice that people are much more comfortable letting us into their houses once they’ve seen that we live in chaos and feed the kids supermarket pizza.

It's not about childcare at all @ComtesseDeSpair
This is about my son feeling welcome and included. I don't mind if people are busy, but to always accept invitations and never reciprocate is rude imo. Imagine having this as an adult, how would you feel if your friends were happy to be entertained, wined and dined at your home but couldn't be bothered to do similar with you?

My friends are my friends. We have a relationship with each other (and usually with dinners there is some prior mutual agreement: the host cooks, the guests bring wine, dessert etc.) Your DS’s school friends’ parents are not your friends and you don’t have a relationship with them or a mutual agreement, so it’s not the same dynamic. They accept your invitations because they assume you want their kid to play with and entertain your kid, not because they think you’re unspokenly expecting it to be quid pro quo. If it’s about your DS feeling welcome and included then wanting him to be invited to places where he isn’t really wanted out of a sense of obligation seems counterintuitive.

I am so glad this thread appeared. I was worrying about whether or not i should arrange more playdates. We've hosted a few and DS7 has been invited to a few but between work, clubs and family time i'm too shattered to arrange one regularly.

I think most of the mums i know feel the same. I'm glad to see it's not just us!

At 7 i was out constantly with my friends, they days when you just chapped on someone's door 😂

Exactly this @PollyPeep my son is also signed up for lots of activities. But he constantly asks to see friends, that's obviously important to him. I wonder when his friends ask for play dates, whether their parents just brush them off with an excuse. Or whether they only invite their own friends' children?

I have a deal with my children that I will host one play date at our house every half term for them. I encourage them to choose whoever they like but I will point out that we owe certain friends a reciprocal playdate etc so I try to be fair. The reality is though that I work full time and so I can't be hosting them every week as I have work to do. So this is my compromise. I know many parents who do offer them more frequently but many of them don't work or work part time and so they can be more generous in hosting.

I initiated lots of play dates and we had them equal in return. I work full-time in a stressful job but juggled things to prioritise at least one play date a week. I found it easier to have the children here because I could get on with laundry and other stuff.

I do think it’s rude not to invite the child back. At least if you don’t invite back? you should acknowledge it and explain why. It is basic social graces surely.

Appreciate and have read everyone's responses so far. Agree with PPs who said it's a bit of a life skill and isn't it nice to raise sociable and hospitable humans?

Interesting some of you ask about our house and quality of play dates as it may create pressure for other parents to "measure up".
Our house does look nice and "middle class" I suppose - nice furniture and tidy but definitely not posh. I'd never judge a person's home anyway (and I've lived quite humbly myself in the past) so really sorry to read posts like @XelaM 's. You shouldn't be embarrassed of your house and guests (child or adult) shouldn't care or be rude about it.
I do sometimes organise fun things with the kids, such as some crafts or baking together a yummy dessert etc during play date. Nothing extravagant or expensive, and mostly I leave the children to sort their own games out.

@ComtesseDeSpair
I was only comparing how an adult would feel if the same thing happened to them. I am not saying I expect these parents to be treating me as their friend. Just find it sad that parents don't encourage their child's friendships and play dates seem like such a "chore" and a big deal these days. When I was a kid, I didn't even need to ask my parents. I'd just bring a friend round to play for a bit, then we'd go play outside, sometimes we'd go to their house etc. No one batted an eye lid, it was just normal everyday life. There was no song and dance with text messages and pre-arrangements days ahead.

But he constantly asks to see friends, that's obviously important to him. I wonder when his friends ask for play dates, whether their parents just brush them off with an excuse

Maybe they don't ask because they have siblings and cousins and the children next door. Or because they just haven't got into a habit of playdates, or they are happy pottering at home.

I think you are assuming all children want playdates as much as your son (and mine) do, and that other parents are letting you fill this need. In reality you may be handing them an obligation in return for a "favour" they never wanted in the first place.

This is how I remember it too OP and I wasn’t prepared for what it is like now tbh. It seems like many children are encouraged only to be friends with their parents friends children or cousins/other relatives.

I would have no issue with my eldest who is 10 (think the 7year old is probably a bit young) bringing a friend home from school any day and just hanging out but it just doesn’t seem to have gotten to that stage for anyone yet, even though they are all about to turn 11 and go to highschool soon and are walking to school themselves and have phones etc, the parents still need to do all the running about. It’s pretty exhausting.

I think it often changes as they get older and are more independent. At your son's age we didn't host many nor go to many, but we permanently seem to have a spare teenager around or lose one of ours. But that is because they can be left to it, I couldn't have one of my 6 yr Old's friends here most evenings as we are running around to clubs etc.

I doubt it is that they fob their child off while you are more responsive, just that different lives and families work differently. At 7 none of mine really asked to have others round.