To ask about your MILs?

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

As a Mum of 2 boys, I've been giving a lot of thought to the fact that one day I will likely be a MIL to a younger woman.

Those of you with positive relationships with your MILs, would you please share? Or MILs with positive relationships with your children, in laws, grandchildren?

What can I do to make sure I maintain happy and healthy relationships with my children and their prospective partners/children as time goes on?

My mother in law is a mother to two boys. .
She's just always stayed involved in their lives without winning she knows best. She didn't have a great relationship with her older son's ex but we have a good one. She gives opinions when asked, tells me how great I am ☺️, she's interested in the kids and us, she can be needy and hard work but she raised two boys who love her very much. I guess she was always just interested in them as people.

I have three boys and I'm glad they see their Dad buying Nan presents and seeing her and helping her. They see both Bands fairly evenly, no preference for mine, their Dad treats his Mom with respect and that will teach my boys to do the same I hope

You gave a mil now, treat her as part of the famiy, show your children they have 2 families

I bloody love my mother in law. She makes a huge effort to support and actively praise our parenting (our life is very different to how they raised their boys, in terms of finances and other situations). She has welcomed my widowed Dad into her home as he now only has me, DH and the grandchildren, and accommodated his preferences with grace.
When I was a wreck after DD was born she came up to London every week and gently supported me.
And if DH is being a dickhead, she tells him straight.

Let them go. They and their families will want to be around you if you let them go and see the best in them and their choices, including of spouse, when you do see them. You will be someone who only brings positives to their lives.

My ex mother in law is a wonderful Grandparent who helped out no end when my children were young. I spent time with her just us and thoroughly enjoy her company. We have stayed on good terms post my split with her son as we all agree that the kids are the most important thing. I like her a lot. My present mother in law is not terribly keen on me (we are very different women) but has a great relationship with her other daughter in laws. I have 3 sons and I get along great with all their girlfriends and my son in law for what that’s worth.

My MIL has one son (DH). I like lots of things about her. She's cheerful, generous and warm. She doesn't ask intrusive questions or comment/criticise what i do. She doesn't side with DH when I'm annoyed with him. She's had a nice life and is grateful for what she has. I read about some MILs on here and feel very lucky. Yes she is annoying in lots of ways, but all fairly minor.

My MIL is amazing- I genuinely love spending time with her as her positive attitude is so infectious.

She is always happy to help but never oversteps, and absolutely dotes on her grandkids. She’s treated me like a bonus daughter since the day we met.

She is also a paediatric nurse, so a wonderful resource when you’re second guessing how to deal with a poorly dc!

I’m very lucky.

My SIL was very fond of my mother. And my mother tried to model her MIL-ing on her own MIL.

They never gave unsought advice.

They tried not to show favouritism to their own child (in fact my grandmother favoured her DILs 🤣).

They offered help but weren't offended if it wasn't accepted.

When they disapproved or worried they only told their husbands and their best friend. They never criticized the DIL to their son or allowed their sons to moan about their wives (son's genuine worries excepted)
They resolved never to notice if the DIL's parents saw the children more.

They made it clear that if their sons ever left their wives (for anything other than the wife being adulterous or abusive), the son would not be welcome to move back home!

My mother once told me that it was sometimes very hard to to say what she wanted to say. But that it was worth it to have a really good relationship with her DIL.

Try and not resent DIL for spending more time with her own DM especially if she has children. Since having my son I naturally want to spend more time being supported by my mum, I know my MIL isn't very happy about it and it's become awkward

I love my ex MIL and my current MIL of 20+ years.

They're both kind supportive women.

Mind you, I'm a lot more easy going than some of the Mumsnetters on here so that probably helps the relationship.

Both MILs can actually do right 😁

Mine is brilliant. We are friends and close and for 18 years we’ve never had any significant issues.

They are amazing grandparents. They are kind and generous but don’t interfere.

Our children are ND and they have learned about, found ways to bond with them and granny and granddad are easily the kids’ favourite people.

My youngest is non verbal and ‘granny!’ is the only person who gets a greeting by name.

We go for massages, theatre, coffee, shopping etc. I love her.

Try and not resent DIL for spending more time with her own DM especially if she has children.
I would suggest modelling the opposite of this. If your DS's see that you have a close relationship with your MIL, when the time comes that they become fathers they will see it as normal to spend as much time with you as with the wife's family.
Since having my son I naturally want to spend more time being supported by my mum Thankfully I saw my MIL as equal to my DM in being supportive and involved with my DC, I hope my DS remembers this.

Respect the fact that when your adult sons choose their partners, you are no longer the only female influence in their lives. The love they have for you is completely different from the love they have for their partners, as it should be. It's not a competition.

From the start, my MIL would never let me forget that I "stole" her baby boy. That I would never know him as well as she did. My husband was the youngest with two elder sisters. My MIL thought she should be the primary female in her son's life, above all, uncontested.

Luckily for me, my husband has always fully supported me, without exception. I tried for fucking "years* to get this woman to like me. I know now she would have hated any woman in my husband's life.

My MiL was amazing, she realised that being a parent was stressful and she and DFiL would take the kids for the weekend or on holiday so DH and I could have us time.

She died from complications of Alzheimer's and one day when she was in bed I sat with her and she started telling me about her DIL aka me and how she was a wonderful mother and a great wife to her son. The funny thing was she knew me, but not how I fit into the family, she told the hospital I was her friend.

Words of advice, don't criticise parenting styles. Remember the adults as much as the children.
Don't break any rules the parents have in place.

I love my MIL. She doesn't interfere. She's respectful. She will give an opinion when it's asked for. We get along great.

Fine for you to spend more time with your mum. Not fine for MIL to not to be seen as equal to the maternal Grandma though. So your child needs to be able to spend equal time (all practical things like distance being equal) with your MIL. He's just as important to, and loved by her, as he is too and by your mum.

I'm lucky that I have daughters I think. But I'm glad to see that my daughter is positive about and encourages the paternal grandmother's relationship too.

My MIL is lovely and supportive I just want to spend more time with my own mum which I think should be understood and respected

My late MIL was wonderful. I adored her. I learned everything about being a mother, and then a grandmother, from her.

She was the most loving and accepting of people. She never gave advice. She didn't need to. Her life was all the advice I needed.

I got on really well with my late MIL.

They welcomed me in to the family from the start. She was always supportive but never interfered.

I think I probably benefited from the fact that her own MIL was a bit over-bearing and their relationship was a little frosty. So all the things that annoyed her about her own MIL she resolved never to do herself.

I was very lucky really and I miss her now she has gone. She had three DS and always wanted a DD so was absolutely thrilled when we had a DD and was a devoted GP.

my late MIL was amazing. I miss her so much! I try to model my behaviour as a MIL on hers.

I don’t offer unsolicited advice. I support their opinions. I keep an open door for them to come see us, but don’t demand it of them. I let them know that I think they’re great people.

My DIL’s are lovely, and so is my ex DIL. We have maintained a good relationship with her. She is the mother of one of our grandchildren and is a wonderful mother to her. My sons in law are lovely too.

On the odd occasion that one of them has brought someone we’re not overly taken with we just don’t say anything and stay friendly. It’s not our choice to make.

My MIL has FIVE sons! And I’m the oldest son’s wife. It could have gone one of two ways really, me and her were doing the trial run as her first MIL/DIL relationship. It took us a little while to find our groove, but I still remember the moment when I saw her in real time, clock that I’m a mum, just like her. I know that sounds weird. She’s fab, and I love her to bits. Never offers unsolicited advice, but will help if we need it. Would never get involved in mine and DH’s relationship. She does think the sun shines out of DH’s arse, but frankly she’s done an excellent job of bringing him up, so this is not a problem- I don’t have the “wife work” of negotiating with the in laws like many do, he does it himself. That’s probably the most important thing you can do as a mum of a son - do your best to bring up a decent man!

And I should say my MIL has a good relationship with all 4 of her DIL. It’s not just chance, she has fostered good relationships with us. But also her lovely sons have chosen nice women!

Unfortunately my MIL died some years ago but she was lovely, never interfered but was always there to go to if needed.

I too let my children, mid 30's lead their own lives and follow her suit, helping both where I can.
I've recently become a nana and in all honesty I have no desire to always be right, or use the this is how we done it years ago line.

Do you have a mil now? What's your relationship like with her now?
Modelling a good mil relationship is a good first step.

Foster a good relationship with your sons. Don't be a martyr and have expectations too. Expect your sons to help out from a young age and not take you for granted. let them know that you have feelings and to consider you as a person in your own right.

So many women do everything for their dc without complaint that often dc grow up barely realising their mum is a person with feelings.
They then never prioritise their mum.

Then it's the relationship with the dil.

She sounds fantastic