To ask about your MILs?

[HuckleberryBlackcurrant]

As a Mum of 2 boys, I've been giving a lot of thought to the fact that one day I will likely be a MIL to a younger woman.

Those of you with positive relationships with your MILs, would you please share? Or MILs with positive relationships with your children, in laws, grandchildren?

What can I do to make sure I maintain happy and healthy relationships with my children and their prospective partners/children as time goes on?

This. I'm a MIL and I have great relationships with both of my kid's partners. I don't intrude, but I keep in touch and offer to help with anything and everything. Doing child care, helping to move house, solving problems, you name it. Other than that I live my own life. Drop them a loving text every so often .

@Charles11

Yes, I do love my MIL, she can be annoying sometimes but that's family I suppose.

I definitely want to raise respectful, kind men.

Tell them their babies look like them.

My Mil is lovely (different country) she’s great with my DC, she’s thoughtful and doesn’t interfere or criticise even though we are raising ours very differently from how she would probably like. Only thing that annoys me is that any quality she considers to be “good” is attributed to her family even when clearly it’s not.

Being a MIL who very much has their own life, their own hobbies and is happy without relying on their children to make them happy.
a MiL who depends on their children to entertain them, bring them places, with expectations etc etc will never end in a happy relationship.
Be your own person then merely enhance your sons life,
don’t take from it.

I love my MIL - we get on brilliantly. Our close relationship started when my mum suggested we should invite her wedding dress shopping before I got married. Sounds mad but I realised then that it was 50% up to me how to frame our relationship and I didn't want it to be negative. Before that point she was quite reserved with me.
We're really different people and there have been some difficult times we've been through but we respect each other and our differences but communicate well and make an effort with each other.
We used to live close to each other but we had to move quite far away. She was heart broken but understood our reasoning. I FaceTime with the kids often, share photos as much as possible and we've always got a date in the diary when we'll see each other next. I'm not organised at all, but she is so I know it means a lot to her to know when and where she'll see the grandkids again. So I make sure she's a priority in our calendar. She also hates hosting Christmas so I always offer as I don't mind.
Basically - it's a 2 way thing. It's important to make the effort. And I'm lucky we like each other as people (despite our differences).

My mil is ok but she keeps me at a distance (and by proxy our family) I think she finds me a bit different to them (I'm not that different but I'm not a foodie or a big drinker and I'm not extravagant I'm my spending)

She treats her daughter's children more than she does our kids. She also offers to helps them out a lot more. This irritates me at times.

She will say something nasty if I criticise or even tease dh. For example on Christmas morning he cooked breakfast and (accidentally) didn't save me any. When we saw them the next day the dh, kids and I were joking about me not being fed at breakfast. She got offended and made some comment about dh always having to runaround after me (not true).

She occasionally makes comments about how hard dh life is having to manage me and kids.

I don't have my parents anymore and I would love to have a close relationship with them but I have to accept that they don't want that with me.

I would focus now on building a strong relationship with your sons. When they meet partners welcome them in and take the time to get to know them. Build a relationship with them in their own right (rather than as your son's appendage) support, don't criticise, offer to help but don't be offended. Build a solid relationship way before grandchildren are on the radar.

Love mine. His parents have always been really nice to me. She helped us scrub our house top to bottom when we bought it. She will help out if either of us are ill and always come back to a spotless house from holiday. She's just one of those people who is genuinely nice.

She isn't keen on cats but we have one so she will make an effort to play with him. Never had fish but will try to look after them when we're on holiday.

My mum passed when I was young so I dont know if she puts extra effort in for me because I dont think she is the same with bil and partner

I get on with my MIL and she really cares about all of us and tries her best to be supportive. MIL does try to 'mother' me as she always wanted a daughter - which can be a bit too much. However, I'm glad that she is an involved and loving grandparent.

Mil passed 4 years ago and not a day passes where I don't miss her. My own mother passes 9 years ago and its rare I miss her. She was not an active part of my life.

Mil however just loved on her family. Could have 8 grandchildren and feel they all were the best. No favourites. (Mother had favourites)

Only offered advice if asked for it. Or would say would you like my advice? If told no was fine with this. (Dh hated the would you like my advice I loved it)

She was an amazing woman that I'm happy was in mine and my children's life. Dd1 has already said any future dd will be named after Mil

I have a frosty relationship with my mil. I am always polite and civil, but we're not remotely close. Things could have been very different, but the main reasons for the lack of closeness (from my perspective) are that her and my fil have tried to remain the centre of the family instead of de-centering themselves and respecting their son and me (and now dc) as our own, separate family. This inability to ‘let go’ has felt smothering and caused battles where there shouldn't be any. The expectation that Christmas, mother’s / father’s days and birthdays centre around them means I always feel pressured and end up dreading, what should be lovely occasions.

The other big reason is she's never shown any interest in me and getting to know me. Never asks me how I am (even after giving birth to her grandchildren!), doesn't remember any personal details about me eg I'm always told when given gifts, she has ‘no idea’ what I like (maybe ask? Or take some notice?). I on the other hand know about her whole life story. Mostly because I've asked questions in an attempt in the early days to get to know her.

So when (if) I'm a mil to my children, I'll be making sure I give their family unit the space and respect it deserves, not centre myself for special occasions and i'll make an effort to get to know my dil as a person.

Also op I think it's about trying to connect as two adult women, not the one who knows best and the woman who stole her son away. I treat her with the same respect I treat my mom

I love my MIL, have known her since I was 18 and she is lovely. She is a very giving, loving person. My SIL at times sees her behaviour as controlling and invasive though and that has led to some situations between them but ultimately my MIL has done so much for them in terms of Childcare and more that SIL always reneges on her choice cut off contact and things are calmer between them now.

You do catch more flies with honey though, she has two boys and a girl and they all now live not more than a 10 minute walk from her as adults including my DH and I. DH sees her at least a couple of times a week and I see her most weeks as well, more often than I see my own parents who live father away!

First MIL - an example of how not to be a MIL, evil interfering self-centred witch

Current MIL - lovely, fully accepting that I'm her son's focus, warm, inviting and fair. Easy to get on with because she is always interested in me, gosh she is a star.

I'm a MIL - no idea if I'm any good, she knows I think she's lovely, she knows I adore their children, I take care to be interested and encouraging. I think she probably wishes we could offer some practical support while their children are you but we don't live close to them.

I’ve had 2 mother in laws , both of whom only had sons and both of whom I generally find to be too involved in everything and too annoyed when they are no longer in charge of everything. It’s such a shame really, there is no need to be in a competition with me, but both of them entered into it with little considered as to what might happen if they didn’t win! I don’t actually know many people who have a great relationship with their MIL. The ones that have the ‘easy’ relationships are really passive and just let the MiL take over! Thats not for me.

Don't allow your lives to get too enmeshed .. I had a good relationship with my MIL (now deceased). She was a strong, busy, independent woman (& I like to think I am too). She loved her DC and DGC but she also had lots of friends, hobbies, interests, volunteering etc after she retired so we weren't expected to to entertain her. Her life didn't revolve around her family. My own DM was the same. None of us lived particularly close and I think that helped.
I am mother to an only DS and very conscious that I don't want to be an over bearing DMIL... I don't expect my DS to stay living near DH and I .. he will hopefully make his own way in the world (currently working overseas).

Merely enhance his life? So the MIL shouldn't expect anything from her son and his wife and any grandchildren? She's just there to add to their lives while they add nothing to hers?

Jesus.

Basically - it's a 2 way thing

Exactly.

Reading some of these responses, you'd think that the MIL has to shoulder the entire responsibility for the relationship and bend over backwards at all times, completely ignoring her own needs, in order to be perceived as anything other than a problem.

The DIL (or son in law) joining the family also needs to work on the relationship, and not expect to be the only one worthy of someone's emotional effort.

I always laugh at 'only give your opinion when asked for it'. Blimey that must make for stilted conversation. My mil is pleasant but dull. I'd love to hear any opinion whatsoever from her but she doesn't appear to have any.

"She never gave advice. She didn't need to. Her life was all the advice I needed."

@saraclara this is beautiful. How wonderful you had such a relationship.

I adore my MIL too 🙂

Some mil mum of just boys - don't bother as much with their grandchildren because they consider themselves the secondary grandma and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.

Or they are held at arms lengths from the beginning and accept their fate.

Far more likely, based on much of Mumsnet.

Mine is wonderful, loved me from the start, dropped everything to help me when I needed it. I adore her.

My MIL is a lovely, warm & kind woman. She welcomed me from day one and I’ve done my best to make sure she knows she’s an important part of my life and that I value her. Our door is always open to her. She’s been less involved than I’d have hoped with her only grandchild, especially as my parents are dead (we don’t live close so there’s no expectations with babysitting or anything), but she’s not actually done anything wrong really. We made an effort to get to know each other’s interests - outside her son 😂- and consider each other friends.

If I can do as good a job as a mum as she & FIL did with their 2, then I’ll have a lot to be proud of.