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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL always wants us to visit her house

44 replies

Satelliite · 23/01/2024 19:33

We have a seven month old baby and a ten year old son. MIL and FIL live two hours away. Baby screams in the car and we are all stressed by the time we get there. There is nothing there for baby so baby cries a lot and gets very bored. They live in the countryside so I can’t easily get out with the pushchair and I don’t drive. There road is a busy road with no pavements.

MIL is a fantastic cook and makes an effort to be a good host but she’s also quite judgeh and will make comments about baby fussing ‘is she always like that?’ or not sleeping well etc…AIBU to say they should come to us. We don’t have a spare room and they won’t sleep in the living room but there is a hotel nearby that is cheap and nice, we used to visit their house a lot so I feel a little guilty but the visits feel like such hard work.

OP posts:
lazyarse123 · 23/01/2024 19:36

Definitely not being unreasonable. It's a long way for two children. Suggest you take it in turns maybe every other month. If they won't just cut your visits back.

35965a · 23/01/2024 19:38

Do they need to stay over if it’s a 2 hour journey? Surely they could come for a day trip now and again.

TwiddlingMyToes · 23/01/2024 19:42

Well you're not being unreasonable to ask that they make the journey sometimes, but some of your issues are surmountable: you can take toys for the baby, he/she is only 7 months, so can't need huge amounts of entertaining. And if your partner is with you, can't he drive you all somewhere? Just say to MIL 'we'd like to go to a park to let the kids run around/get some air, would you like to come?'.

thecatsthecats · 23/01/2024 19:42

YANBU! Having similar issues with my MIL and three month old at the moment. My son is delightful at home in his routine, but struggles with travel and their "big lights no chill" house.

She's always trying to contrive us visiting her though, to fit in around her other social life.

I think that you can just do a mix of saying no thanks and inviting them to you. Just be honest and say that your baby is struggling with the long trips, and you'll pick up the visits when he's happier to travel .

Windymcwindyson · 23/01/2024 19:44

Let dh take the dc.. He will soon get his dm told if it is solely him dealing with the dc..

Tinkerbyebye · 23/01/2024 19:46

Why not invite them and give them your room and you sleep on the sofa

But yes I don’t see why they can’t visit you

TiredMummma · 23/01/2024 19:49

Think it makes sense to ask for sometimes.

However you reasons are odd and really surmountable.

Also 2 hours isn't far at all...my baby hates the car and often refuses to nap so we just time the journey. However my journey's to visit family are between 4-8 hours which we do in a day...

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/01/2024 19:49

I’m not sure asking whether baby is always fussing or not sleeping well is “judgey”. Are you sure it’s not just that MIL isn’t part of your family and isn't allowed to make comments?

Shinyandnew1 · 23/01/2024 19:49

Just don’t do overnight trips either of you-go to theirs for the afternoon and spent it at theirs, you don’t need to go out on the pavement then. They can visit you for lunch etc

New2024 · 23/01/2024 19:50

Maybe you could visit less often and spend some time trying to get the baby used to going on car journeys. It shouldn’t be a big deal for a 7 month old to be in a car. We don’t have a car but the GPs took us out a few times every week in the car when DC was small.

p1ppyL0ngstocking · 23/01/2024 19:54

This is a DH problem.

He needs to tell his parents that if they don't drive to you sometimes they're going to be seeing a lot less of their GC.

My PIL were the same and I bitterly regret the hours spent at a weekend driving to theirs when they were retired and had all the time in the world to visit us but we were forced to spend 6-7hours of our precious 48 hours off work in the car 🤦🏻‍♀️

It was flipping exhausting.

I look back now and think we were crazy and far too polite.

The daft thing is they respected DH's brother way more for putting boundaries in place, so it's not even like all the people-pleasing we did even created a harmonious relationship, it just made them think they could be more demanding with our time until the relationship broke down entirely.

I truly believe that having an equal say and an equal footing in relationships makes them much longer lasting and happier, and that's all you're asking for here really, don't think it's too much to request.

coconutpie · 23/01/2024 19:57

YANBU. Stop travelling there. They will have to either accept not seeing you as often or just do the journey themselves and visit you. And MIL being a good host is not enough of a reason to do a 2 hour car journey while your baby screams the entire time in the car. I'm sure your 10 yo is also not happy with the car journey. So suit yourselves and stop the visits for now.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 23/01/2024 20:00

Maybe DH and your 10 year old could do a few visits without you - while you look after the baby at home?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 23/01/2024 20:02

Or meet half way for lunch?

or don’t bother for a few months and aim to visit less often. Say you’re too tired.

Nevermind31 · 23/01/2024 20:03

They can’t summon you - just tell them it’s too stressful with baby st the moment. Or older child has weekend activity. Invite them to yours.

Hoolahooploop · 23/01/2024 20:11

New2024 · 23/01/2024 19:50

Maybe you could visit less often and spend some time trying to get the baby used to going on car journeys. It shouldn’t be a big deal for a 7 month old to be in a car. We don’t have a car but the GPs took us out a few times every week in the car when DC was small.

I think it’s fairly clear you don’t have a car and didn’t have a baby that didn’t like the car (it’s not uncommon…) loads of little babies scream on long car journeys. Best solution is to stick to short journeys where possible

Hoolahooploop · 23/01/2024 20:14

MereDintofPandiculation · 23/01/2024 19:49

I’m not sure asking whether baby is always fussing or not sleeping well is “judgey”. Are you sure it’s not just that MIL isn’t part of your family and isn't allowed to make comments?

Yes it is judge-y.

and absolutely not okay for MILs to think they can make comments. Being a mum to a small baby is hard enough without the added ‘help’ of bitchy comments from MILs

Bubbleohseven · 23/01/2024 20:19

Why don't you suggest you alternate?

underneaththeash · 23/01/2024 20:23

I think you should agree to take it in turns. How often are they expecting you to go there? How often do you see your parents?

We have my MIL who lives about 5 hours drive away and we see her about 3-4 times a year. We offered to see her more when our children were little if she helped more and wasn't just a visitor, but she wasn't keen. She always comes to us as her house is a retirement home with one bedroom. We hire a cottage nearby once a year for a weekend and DH takes one child to see her every year.

My mum is about 3/3,5 hrs drive away and we see her every two months. She's always been really helpful around the house and with the children and not been a burden, but I'm not sure she would have come and stayed in a hotel either. I usually go up there twice a year with the kids, but again there's not enough space for all of us.

trippily · 23/01/2024 20:27

Defs the people without the tiny baby should do the travelling.

New2024 · 23/01/2024 20:27

Hoolahooploop · 23/01/2024 20:11

I think it’s fairly clear you don’t have a car and didn’t have a baby that didn’t like the car (it’s not uncommon…) loads of little babies scream on long car journeys. Best solution is to stick to short journeys where possible

Show quote history

So what about holidays? It’s either train or car journey or no holiday - the last of those not really an option

badwolf82 · 23/01/2024 20:32

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, except perhaps give some thought to whether there are any genuine reasons why they might not want to visit you. Are they getting too old for the long drive? Is your house really dirty and they don’t like being there? Do you have pets they can’t be around? Etc

I’m not saying this is your problem but I have one friend who I will only see at my house or in public because her house is so dirty that I actually cannot stand visiting her.

Hoolahooploop · 23/01/2024 20:33

New2024 · 23/01/2024 20:27

So what about holidays? It’s either train or car journey or no holiday - the last of those not really an option

Show quote history

If you have a small baby who screams on long car journeys (2 hours plus) then you do other transport or you don’t have a holiday until they are a bit older. Surely that’s obvious?

who in their right mind thinks ooo my 4 month old hates the car let’s do a holiday involving a car journey that will be a blast for the baby and also for us to listen to FOR HOURS!!

SevenSprings · 23/01/2024 20:37

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, except perhaps give some thought to whether there are any genuine reasons why they might not want to visit you.

This is worth thinking about. I know my mum doesn't like going anywhere without very easy access to a toilet because she struggles to hold herself and cannot walk well up and down stairs. So a house where you have to walk a little way or tackle stairs to get to the loo makes her worry.

But she also doesn't like sharing that info and so you wouldn't necessarily know that's why she rarely visits. For eg.

BlueFlint · 23/01/2024 21:41

We had the same, MIL absolutely desperate for us to visit with our small baby (4 hour journey + stops). We put it off initially for a few months, but there was a lot of pressure during that time. I thought it was quite selfish really. Baby absolutely hated the journey when we did start going there, I often arrived in near tears from the stress of it, and now older she gets travel sick too. MIL would have little empathy, just give me a confused face "oh, WHY doesn't she like the car??!" as if it's totally bizarre that a small baby wouldn't enjoy being cooped up in a car seat for all that time.

They should travel to you for sure, the majority of the time. It just makes more sense. I wish I'd stood a bit firmer now.

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