MIL always wants us to visit her house

[Satelliite]

We have a seven month old baby and a ten year old son. MIL and FIL live two hours away. Baby screams in the car and we are all stressed by the time we get there. There is nothing there for baby so baby cries a lot and gets very bored. They live in the countryside so I can’t easily get out with the pushchair and I don’t drive. There road is a busy road with no pavements.

MIL is a fantastic cook and makes an effort to be a good host but she’s also quite judgeh and will make comments about baby fussing ‘is she always like that?’ or not sleeping well etc…AIBU to say they should come to us. We don’t have a spare room and they won’t sleep in the living room but there is a hotel nearby that is cheap and nice, we used to visit their house a lot so I feel a little guilty but the visits feel like such hard work.

2 hours is not far at all, really. And you can take toys, etc, with you, no? As for being in the countryside, you could have a body carrier for the baby to go and enjoy fresh air and the countryside. And yes, it would be fair for them to come to you too, from time to time.

There’s an older child to consider

Older children tend not to enjoy endless screaming either.

It's only a short stage, and it's easy enough to do a small local holiday that doesn't involve travelling far. I'm not sure why you're so insistent that people take their babies on long road trips.

Not insistent, but if it was me I’d want it solved for the sake of the family life. Portability under 2 is definitely brilliant if you can achieve it

My MIL makes such comments all the time and it really irritates me. Normally I’m quite thick skinned but it irritates me because it’s implying I’m not doing a good enough job of keeping him rested/happy, when actually it’s usually the in-your-face, overly happy-clappy way she has of interacting with babies that makes him go into his shell.

I can relate to this! My baby is a "things and scenery" baby rather than a "people" baby. He has little patience for being passed around and talked to, but if you show him something and engage, he loves it.

It winds me up to see people wind him up, then complain that I've asked for him back before he melts down (and yes, I do try to tell them!)

You don't say how old your in-laws are, of they are retired or have issues that stop them from travelling. Do they drive?

If they are able, of they drive and have the time a two hour journey is perfectly doable ina day. For many, that's a daily commute. If they set off early, they could be with you early morning. If they wanted to stay they night, they could have your room and the two of you sleep on the sofa.

Some babies really hate being in the car. Mine had reflux and the combination of being reclined and the bumps made him scream. Yes , he needed to be held close and upright frequently. More common than you might think.
some babies just hate being strapped in tightly for hours at a time …
Babies are not all the same. I had an easy one who slept for hours in the car and one that was a nightmare travelling. We did what we had to do …. Stayed at home .

Yanbu

I was alert to this shit and set my stall out early on this one.

My DD is coming up for 2 and has never been to my MILs. Mil now understands this isn't happening as has dropped the rope.
She won't go until at least 5 if I can help it.

The idea of driving or taking a 3 hour train only to arrive at a MIL's dusty and mouldy 🤮 house (uncomfortable even for adults, nothing for baby, fucking breakble "valuable" folldolls and clutter everywhere, awful food) was too much.

With the shitty comments mil gets redirected to her son/my DH each and every time.

I say you break the chain.

Either:

• Next time you are due to go - last min you feel AWFUL. DH should go with DS you'll stay behind...
• Meet them halfway for a day out
• invite them down suggest airbnbs yourself but say if they don't fancy it you can put them up on an air mattress in lounge.

My mum is 2 hours away and we had a screamer who hated the car so much he would end up with that horrible hysterical crying where you don't breathe properly. I just didn't go, I explained it wasn't fair on him or me and that I would keep trying to get him used to the car but in the meantime it's just not working.

Could you offer to meet halfway? That's our compromise. A pram friendly walk and a pub lunch.

Well I really love my mum and want her to be in our lives. I like that she loves her gc and wants to see them. So I would visit and take the toys with me, and turn it into a little adventure for the kids. It sounds as if your mil is kind and welcoming, and that she makes an effort, so I would be making the effort to see her especially as you don't have a spare room so it costs her money to stay with you. Maybe your dp could discuss how often you are able to visit, to manage expectations.

Thank you all

Some really helpful comments here.

I do think my MIL is judgey, when we last visited I was upstairs with baby breastfeeding and I heard her shouting from downstairs ‘what is Satelliite doing whilst Satelliite’s DH loads the car to leave???!!’ DS also said that she seemed annoyed I was upstairs feeding baby as if I should have baby hanging off my boob whilst loading the car? This has put me off going too to be honest…she makes no effort to hold baby or play with her. I know she is a little aloof as a character and it’s not her style. But if I’m exhausted from multiple night wakings (baby often still wakes up frequently) she will just stare at me handling the situation of baby fussing and ask if she’s always like this rather than help…it’s exhausting as I then feel like I need to justify myself…

I guess there have been several comments that have added to me not feeling relaxed at her house recently…I’ve always thought she’s a big judgy but basically on my side but after I had a miscarriage and a long battle with secondary infertility before having our baby she asked me ‘don’t you want to focus on work’…and

oooops typed too soon. ‘Don’t you want to focus on work’ and ‘doesn’t work give you pride?’…it didn’t seem to be out of kindness, it seemed more to be from a place of you just like being at home and having babies…she also said ‘there is more to life than having babies and pets’…

Another thing that bugs me is she says ‘do you read?’ to me a lot, basically a backhanded way of saying I never bring a book when I visit them, this was before baby when I had more time…yes I’m not a big reader but asking me ‘do I read?’ makes me feel like a bonehead…I guess if she didn’t make comments like this I would be more inclined to make the effort.

Can you offer to pay for the cheap ish hotel near you for them?

Not sure why OP should pay for them. No one's asking them to visit.

My thoughts 2. We allow 2hrs between me and my sister. I've never stayed overnight. I've even driven over straight from work to drop of a present.

I second the poster who said that their PIL had a lot more respect for the brother who put boundaries in place than the one who tried to please by inconveniencing themselves. The same thing played out in DH’s family and - identically - ended up in the breakdown of the relationship to the degree we don’t see them any more.

My learning is, it has to come from their son, and the son has to own it (not say ‘Satellite feels/thinks’ and put it down to you). Nothing I said was ever listened to and I ended up cast as the difficult DIL as DH wouldn’t make the statements as his own - including not standing up to the snarky comments, which looked to PIL like he agreed.

Get DH to tell her she needs to visit and stay in a hotel until baby can cope with the car because it’s what works for his family and what they need, it has to come from him.

I would approach this one of two ways, depending on how much I wanted to go….

First option is prioritise your children and yourself, explain to mil that the car journeys are awful and you’ll have to take a break from visits for a while but that she is welcome to visit you.

Second option is to do day visits and time the drives with the children’s naps. This will also limit the amount of time you can spend visiting as you’ll have to dash off for the second nap.

No way I would give up my marital bed to my Mil. Yuck. She can get herself a hotel nearby.