To let my 12 yr old have snap chat

[Hankunamatata]

So dc is nearly 13 and has ask couple times for snap chat but Iv always said no as secondary school have had some major issues around use of snap chat.

They have what's app. They are away and sending messages saying they are feeling very left out as everyone us using snap chat. There some sen and problems making friends so they pull my heart strings

Now after some googling I think I can download and subscribed to parenting app to monitor snap chat content which would make me feel more comfortable and dc has agreed to this so wouldn't be secret monitoring.

Dh is still not sure and I'm on fence.

YANBU to let dc have snap chat as long as the parenting app is monitoring it?

YABU to even considering letting dc have snap chat

Any recommendations would be so helpful too.

Young kids do not use Watsapp to communicate-Watsapp is for old people 🙄 . They only use Snapchat and if they don't have it they won't be included in friend chat. My DS age 13 has it and I look at his phone a lot and have never seen anything I'm concerned about. You can make sure they change the settings to not delete snaps immediately so you can keep an eye on what they are saying to friends.

And what will you do if someone sends a nude or starts bullying the others? Do you monitor it every day?

You can set it so that only your friends can message you. So you can't just have random people sending your child a message.
It's in the privacy settings.

Yes... the "friends" might start bullying each other or sending nudes

Well my 15yo and his friends use whatsapp.

@PurpleNarwhale yes that's true, but that's an issue with any phone then isn't it as that type of content could also happen via a text message?

All that spy software means is that you'll see the dick pic too.

Hard no. And we're in a house with an IT specialist and a former SW, both of us are an absolute no.

The trouble is even if you can see what they see it's too late, they have seen it.

My stepdaughter had itvwhen it was fairly new, we banned it after a month of harassment, bullying, nudes from adult men, messages trying to manipulate her into sending them, it was absolutely awful and my sons will never have it

My niece was allowed Snapchat and TikTok much to my absolute horror at age 8/9. My brother is separated from his wife, who allows it, so he had no choice. It's caused no end of issues with stuff she's seen.

Yes, this is what I saw at my place of work.

One girl had her life made a misery - her boyfriend persuaded her to so send him a topless pic. He sent it to his mates and it went all round the school.

I work with social media, DH works in risk/compliance (incl cyber). Absolutely not. No Snap, no Tiktok, etc. I'll be keeping my child off social media for as long as possible.

@Limbo2 how did your stepdaughter see the pics though if these men weren't friends? She maybe accepted a friends request from them first?

Predators are adept at grooming children.

Two of my pupils were convinced that they'd been befriended by an 11 yr old boy. I had to tell them that the pic that they'd been sent was definitely not a pic of an 11 yr old. They were too innocent to know otherwise. I suspect that similar happened to @Limbo2 's stepdaughter.

My DC (12) only has whatsapp (which we monitor). None of their friends have Snapchat or tiktok. So they've never asked, but it would be a definite no if they did.

See now everyone is saying no, but then how can it be that the majority of teens do have it?

@WearyAuldWumman but why would these girls accept friends requests from boys they don't know? Even if they thought they were 11 years old? Maybe girls are more of a target but my DS wouldn't accept a friend request from someone he didn't know. Unfortunately Snapchat TikTok etc are all here to stay and they are the future whether we like it or not. We need to be having really frank discussions with our children about the risks and and what men/groomers can do. This is the world now and I don't think hiding children away from these apps is the answer. Honestly all of my son's friends have Snapchat and they are all normal kids. I feel a bit sorry for the ones that aren't allowed tech as they stand out by being different.

Quite simply, they're very naive and there seems to be an element of competition - children trying to get as many 'friends' as possible.

Why do silly women accept friend requests from men they don't know on FB? They should know better, and yet they do it.

Social worker/school DSL - Snapchat is horrific. Bullying. CSE. CCE. General drama.

Toxic, rotten, extremely unhealthy, DO NOT DO IT

Why get another app to facilitate disappearing messages then?

May sound old fashioned, but I'm against most social media apps until at least 16. My eldest is 14 now and I have very strict controls on Internet time and outright bans on things like Instagram and Snapchat because of prior issues with a friend of the family's daughter.

Whenever things like Snapchat come up, all the secondary teachers tell stories about having to deal with the fallout from it at school and the safeguarding risks it poses. Then you get several parents saying it’s fine and their DC and all their DC friends use it.

I can’t help but think that if those parents had any idea what how their DC are using the app, what they’re exposed to and how they’re behaving with zero supervision, the teachers wouldn’t have to spend so much time trying to mitigate the damage.

Snapchat is the only place my teens (and any others I know) communicate. M
It's how they plan to meet, chat, catch up.

Yes, it's a nightmare. Along with TikTok. But actually - phone use in general is so problematic for teens.

It wouldn't be practical for mine not to have it. My eldest,(DD) now 16, has never had any issue or used it unwisely. My middle DC (DS) has had some challenges - just conversations and ways of going on that could be problematic - from him or others. He's 14 now.

I upped the parental controls on his phone significantly - less overall screen time (it just shuts off, but he can still call me), no access after 930, I have to approve all apps, he has to stay off his phone entirely at certain times, I check it nearly daily. Yes, Snapchat messages disappear but they like to have some that don't, and there's still a window where you'll see what's coming in; you can certainly get a good flavour of what's coming in

It's tiring and endless - the monitoring & conversations about appropriate use, but I think a necessary part of parenting and a better solution to banning it entirely.

There's a middle ground though.

There's no denying that Snapchat & other apps are problematic - and teachers see the most serious aspect of that.

It's not just Snapchat though. It's also TikTok, Insta, YouTube shorts (another nightmare in my house, realised my DSs could access via Xbox which I didn't know initially.)

You somewhere along the line have to equip them with skills for navigating online communication - and thar takes time & lots of engagement.

Doing that doesn't mean you fall into the 'it's all fine camp'.

Also, I've never had an issue with them connecting with anyone outside their peer group (though admittedly their peer groups are wide!).

I'm not saying it doesn't happen but it's not the prevalent issue - which is far more about inappropriate conversations, potential for bullying & possible link to poor behaviour / winding each other up to make poor choices.