To ask DH to go to gym when DD is in bed?

[Isthisthisreallife]

Hi,
Bit of info first.. I work 3 days and DH five. He goes to the gym Saturday morning (9-11) and 3 weekdays straight after work and is there till around 6 (finishes work 4/4.15). Also plays football on a Thursday but he leaves once DD is in bed.

I’ve asked if he can do the gym around 7pm once DD is in bed on the days I’m off work with her (2days). She’s at the age where she’s really hard work at the moment and after having her all day (2 days), I just need the load shared a bit more. He takes over for 30 mins when he’s back and then we’re getting her ready for bed. He’s a great dad when he’s here so no issues with that. I’m also pregnant with no2 and exhausted 24/7! I’ve already said it’s going to be even hard when new baby arrives.

My work day during the week and Saturday aren’t really an issue so not asked him to change those.
He’s saying no because that’s the time his ‘gym buddies’ go and he knows he won’t have the energy to go later in the evening once he’s home.

AIBU to ask this of him?

OP how many hours of time to yourself do you get? NOT basic self-care like sleep or showering, or jobs like housework or errands.

Wow you’re nicer than me. I’d be telling him to stop going to the gym all together and look after his child. That amount of time to himself when you have a young child is completely unacceptable unless you get the same.

So he has time to himself 5 times per week, or 4 if you leave out the after bedtime one? YANBU to ask him to make some compromises - either go later or switch his days around based on your work. I understand he prefers to go straight from work, but he is being unfair to assume you will pick up all the slack. How many days are you asking him to change?

He is getting a hell of a lot of leisure time. He should be pitching in and helping his family not hanging out with his gym buddies. Time for him to revise his priorities.
Does he crack on with jobs when he gets home or chill out for the evening? Why doesn’t he do bedtime alone once he gets home to let you have a rest? Sounds like you do it together… Not sure he can be a great dad when there if that is not often

Fuck, he needs to suck it up. Where is your time off??? I suggest you start taking some. Sunday? That is your day off now. Go out for all of it. Do that a couple of times to him (until nice and late mind, do his shitty half hour before bed).

Fucking hell, likes to do the heavy lifting, just not at home. Another self absorbed man.

Amazed he had time to conceive Dc2....
Write down in black and white how much' him' time he has..
Then write down yours..

So five days out of seven he gets to do act like a single man doing what he pleases without thinking about house work, cooking, childcare.

You already have one child and another on the way. Why have you not already talked about the equal share of parenting and the fact he should be giving up some of his luxury time doing sweet F all to pull his weight.

Please tell me you get the same amount of time to yourself every week?

What an arse! My dh goes swimming once a fortnight. The kids come first to him.

Your dh doesn't just get to dabble in family life when it suits him and bugger off to his hobbies that regularly - that's so unfair! He doesn't have the first clue how hard parenting is because he's done so little of it regularly.

Men like this infuriate me.

Hmm, I think the other posters really have a point here! I must confess that I voted YABU but that’s because I’m obsessed with the gym and I don’t have children! I had not thought of how little ‘me time’ you are getting compared to him so my apologies, YANBU.

I think your DP is likely acting like this because he assumes that childcare is not ‘real work’ and that you won’t need help if you’re on ‘a day off’. It’s so sad that people don’t realise that childcare is definitely proper work. You’ve only asked him to go to the gym later on two days, it’s not like you’re being controlling or not considering him.

Side note as a gym obsessive; I can always go back out after coming home from work and cooking dinner, washing up and doing laundry. If you love it, you love it!

I wouldn't like this. And I don't think he sounds like a great dad at all.

I can see why it makes sense for him to go from work to the gym to home rather than work to home to the gym to home. It's hard to drag yourself back out to the gym when you've got home and he does finish work early so 6pm isn't an unusual time for a working person to get home. So I wouldn't specifically ask him to go to the gym later when DD is in bed. I think it's more that he goes too often overall for a guy with young DC(s). Two gym sessions plus the football is more than enough - practically a luxury for someone at his his stage in life and it's still the requisite healthy 3x exercise sessions a week. His buddies are neither here nor there - twice is enough to see them, so he can do Saturday mornings and once after work a week, plus the other sport.

I think that sounds fair and gives you more company and respite in the evenings. If you're still needing more time to yourself then perhaps you could get childcare on a day or half-day when you're not working. It's always frazzling with young DC while pregnant, but shouldn't be unmanageable with your part-time work and his hours. He just needs to get real and half the amount of time he has for his own pleasure, and realise he's not hard done by!

What kind of shit head husband runs his pregnant wife into the ground, and puts his gym buddies before the health and happiness of the wife he impregnated??

Seriously!

He's a great dad? I think not.

It's going to get harder when baby arrives?

For you, yes. Not for him.

His life won't change because he's a selfish, entitled POS.

What can you do about that?

Nothing. You've already asked him to change and he has refused.

There is nowhere else to go from here except divorce. At least start by refusing to do his laundry, food, intimacy, anything for him that makes his life easier.

"Yeah I can't do that I'm afraid. I'm prioritising myself, same as you are."

I think it depends what down time you get as others have mentioned. I tend to be of the opinion that everyone is a better parent when they have time to look after themselves and I can completely understand wanting to go to the gym at the same time as friends for the social aspect (I used to do the same thing pre-pregnancy), it’s just to do with give & take and making sure both of you have a chance to “fill your glass” back up!

This 100%

Not unreasonable at all, that's a massive amount of gym time. What if you wanted all that time to yourself? It's easy to be a great dad for 30 mins before bed

Start from the premise of you both get the same me time. Then what does that look like. We took every second night as our time.

Weekends one night out as couple one as night in together.

I can see from his point of view in the sense that it's much better to go straight from work to the gym rather than going later. BUT as other posters have said, he is getting an awful lot of "me time" and you should be getting a similar amount. Are you?

He’s a great dad when he’s here so no issues with that

He spends an hour a day with his daughter Mon-Fri. Anyone can be a great dad for an hour. It's hardly doing the heavy lifting is it.

And I would be VERY unimpressed by him prioritising his gym buddies over his wife and DD.

He needs to get a grip and quickly.

How much time do you get OP? You need to equalise this before baby number 2 comes or you'll stay stuck doing it all forever.

I remember standing in a freezing playgroup with some mum friends and our toddlers. One mum was telling me how her husband was always doing his hobbies and I asked her when she gets her time and she genuinely said 'I'm here with you now so I get time with my friends'. At the fucking park with our tiny kids.

So many women get conditioned into thinking the men come first. It's shit.

Being pregnant while looking after a young child is brutal, and ideally you do need more support. It can be hard for people to understand if they haven't been through it.

However, it's not black-and-white, as he is looking after his physical and mental health, he's not exactly going on large nights out. Some people genuinely need lots of exercise and go downhill fast if they don't get it. The solution to one parent being burnt out isn't to make both partners burnt out.

Does he know exactly how tired you are? I'd suggest making sure he does, and is sympathetic, rather than forcing it on him.

Or, possibly suggest a shorter gym session on those two days so he's back earlier?

And figure out a plan for when the baby arrives, certainly what you want after the first 3 months. It is a partnership. You will both need leisure time.

If I ever want to go to the gym (honestly not often anymore 😂), out for tea or on a night out etc then I do no problems asked and he’ll cancel any activities he has. I did go to the gym myself three times a week 6-7 at one point and there was no issues.
I have Sunday mornings to lay in/go out, have me time. He really is a good dad. I just don’t think he understands what’s it’s like to have a toddler alll day on his own because we spend weekends together unless either of us are doing something and of of course he works Mon-Fri.
I’m definitely going to sit down and show him in black and white just how much time he’s getting.

And if you do have any helpful relatives to look after DD to get time for yourself or as a couple, exploit them mercilessly. I know a lot of people don't though. We didn't, and ended buying an extra day of childcare for DD at ruinous expense!

When you go out by yourself, is it after the baby goes to bed?