To ask DH to go to gym when DD is in bed?

[Isthisthisreallife]

Hi,
Bit of info first.. I work 3 days and DH five. He goes to the gym Saturday morning (9-11) and 3 weekdays straight after work and is there till around 6 (finishes work 4/4.15). Also plays football on a Thursday but he leaves once DD is in bed.

I’ve asked if he can do the gym around 7pm once DD is in bed on the days I’m off work with her (2days). She’s at the age where she’s really hard work at the moment and after having her all day (2 days), I just need the load shared a bit more. He takes over for 30 mins when he’s back and then we’re getting her ready for bed. He’s a great dad when he’s here so no issues with that. I’m also pregnant with no2 and exhausted 24/7! I’ve already said it’s going to be even hard when new baby arrives.

My work day during the week and Saturday aren’t really an issue so not asked him to change those.
He’s saying no because that’s the time his ‘gym buddies’ go and he knows he won’t have the energy to go later in the evening once he’s home.

AIBU to ask this of him?

I think he needs a full day with his child until 7. Can you switch it up for one week?

When you go out by yourself, is it after the baby goes to bed?

Not always, he’s happy for me to go out whenever. I’m out for tea with friends this Thursday for example and will be leaving around 5 so he’ll be doing her tea and putting her to bed.

You can change your vote.

It seems not many people know this. I'm on browser though - I know the app is slightly different.

Does he ask you if its OK to go out each evening after work? Like even just a check in "you got anything planned any nights this week?" Or is it just unsaid that he has the freedom and when you want it you have to ask? Even if he is perfectly happy to make himself available.

It’s the Monday and Tuesday (my non-working days) I have the issue with. After a full day, I’m just done and the last thing I wanna do is try to cook tea for her whilst also trying to entertain her. She’s 20 months so is beginning to learn she has choices, she’s stubborn (like me unfortunately) so she can be exhausting and even when she is being an angel she just constantly asks for cuddles which is obviously lovely but again, tricky getting things done when she’s crying because she doesn’t understand why Mummy can’t cuddle and cook at the same time. And no she isn’t spoilt - we just have a really good relationship and she knows I’m always there for her. She’s equally as cuddly with dad too. I don’t have that with my mum so I’m making sure my daughter does (sorry for the tangent but I know someone will perceive her always wanting cuddles as being spoilt).
Saturday morning, I take her to baby dance class so we’re out and busy and he sometimes misses Saturdays if we have plans or will come to dance with us.

Does he ask you if its OK to go out each evening after work? Like even just a check in "you got anything planned any nights this week?" Or is it just unsaid that he has the freedom and when you want it you have to ask? Even if he is perfectly happy to make himself available.

They’re just his gym days so I expect him to go. If we/I have plans or I’m unwell etc then he won’t go or he’ll just decide to miss a day now and again but I need it to be less often more permanently.
I don’t ask exactly. But because mine isn’t a regular routine thing, I have to give him notice that I’m out on this day so he’ll be having her.

Good luck OP, you are not wrong to ask for something different. Maybe don't suggest solutions to him i.e. going to the gym later, but ask him to find a solution to the problem of you needing regular leisure time (not just when you ask, but regular slots) that add up to the same amount of time as he has. Plus extra support for growing a baby at the same time. I don't agree with some PPs that he's a shit head, I think we can give him the benefit of the doubt to see how he responds to this conversation.

I don't agree with some PPs that he's a shit head, I think we can give him the benefit of the doubt to see how he responds to this conversation.

Thank you for this. I know I’m sharing this situation on the internet so of course people are going to judge and add an extra 2 pence but I think the suggestion of things like divorce based off of one scenery that’s just a snippet of our lives is OTT!

I'd ask him to find a workaround or maybe cut down on the football but I think it's unreasonable to try and prevent people looking after their health. As a keen gymgoer myself I'd never have somebody tell me I had to stop as it'd defo make both my physical and mental health worse. It's kind of like telling somebody they need to stop eating healthily and live on maccas to make more time for the kids.

First of all I agree with PPs that 4 gym/sport sessions a week is not really fessible for a soon to be dad of 2.

But just to quickly respond to something you mentioned about wanting him to entertain her while you cook her tea. Just a tip (for any days you do end up with both kids at dinner). When I was home with toddlers and babies I always prepped and sometimes even cooked the evening meal straight after breakfast. I found that's when my kids were most willing to entertain themselves for a bit - they weren't tired and cranky. And when I had DC2 and DC3, it was when the baby had a morning nap. Then I could get on with the rest of the day, lunch might be out and about or snack type foods but there was always a healthy dinner waiting in oven to be switched on, or ready to be heated up etc.

Can't he switch and go to the gym before work? It's hard to wake up earlier but it's much better as then you/he's got the rest of the evening then. And going less times 100%

Get some batch cooked meals in the freezer ready for your non working days.

On long days I remember I used to just say fuck it and take the toddlers out to a soft play from 3-6, have dinner there, put them in pjs and drive home when I knew they'd fall asleep lol

As a keen gymgoer myself I'd never have somebody tell me I had to stop as it'd defo make both my physical and mental health worse. It's kind of like telling somebody they need to stop eating healthily and live on maccas to make more time for the kids.

I’m sorry but did you read my post? 5/7 days, he does some from of exercise (gym, football or running) . I’m asking for two of those days for him to go slightly later or yes, drop them if he won’t move the time. Leaving three days (5 hours a week) exercise/him time still.

You neglected to post the part of my reply where I said that maybe he needs to cut down on the football or find a workaround.

He's not a great dad if he's choosing the gym over spending time with her to that extent.

It's also really easy to put on a show of being a great, involved, engaged parent if you hardly see the kid. Let him do the hard yards.

I do see his point about going straight after work, as its hard to drag yourself back out again once you're home!

Don’t worry about spoiling your DD, cuddles are super important. Do work on modelling for her how not to be taken for granted in a relationship, I know you’re saying those are his gym days and your outings are outside of the norm (so you end up giving him notice that he has to parent his child at that time) but that shouldn’t be the expectation.
On your non working days your shift can end when his does.
When you start your maternity leave do not let him get away with pissing off to the gym all the time if you are tired.