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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some women bond over leaving someone out ?

48 replies

Spinning101 · 23/01/2024 16:48

I was out for dinner this weekend with a group of DH’s friends & their wives - one of the women kept bringing up the times she’d been out with another of the wives. It started to get a bit awkward as it basically blocked me out of their conversation as I hadn’t been invited. It wasn’t even relevant to the conversations we had been having - it was just like this woman wanted me to know she was better friends with people there .

This is something I have noticed time and time again in different group situations - it’s like some women thrive on being part of the ‘in crowd’ and making it obvious to other women that they aren’t part of it.

. I totally appreciate that you can’t be best friends with everyone and in a group there will always be people you gel with better but I just find it so rude when people do this !!

Maybe im the problem 😬but has anyone else noticed this ?!

OP posts:
Droppit · 23/01/2024 17:05

Yes I have noticed it occasionally. Reminds me of school days! I always instantly lose respect for people who make others feel this way on purpose. There's just no need for it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 23/01/2024 17:08

I think you're making yourself the main character here when you're not. Someone was just telling a story and you felt left out - it doesn't mean that she was TRYING to make you feel left out or that was the purpose of her story (although she maybe could have been more sensitive) I doubt it's about you at all

QuiltBuggs · 23/01/2024 17:09

This does happen a fair bit unfortunately - some people just don't grow out of that playground Queen Bee mentality. They love to win small battles.

If they spot someone is at all "vulnerable" or a little bit different (say a new person, or ND, or a bit quieter, or non-white) they'll just lock on target and force that person out of the main conversation.

There's not really a lot you can do directly unless you're super-keen to engage with the group longer term and want to be all Machivellian yourself! But it doesn't sound like it's worth it?

Unfortunately people will tend to side with the domineering type who pushes others out as they don't want to be on their "wrong side".

I'd just focus on your longer term goals and positive stuff and leave the groups to their power games.

Unless there's something specifically helpful that you need from a group, I'd say a lot of these group events are diminishing returns after a certain life stage anyway!

Quitelikeit · 23/01/2024 17:12

Yes these type of people exist. They need to do this in order to make themselves feel better as on the inside they are insecure and need that reassurance.

It’s quite sad really.

It’s not a reflection on you though but rather on themselves. Most people are too dumb to realise this and instead think they are wonderful and popular!

Original poster
Spinning101 · 23/01/2024 17:19

@Unexpectedlysinglemum TBF it wasn’t her telling a story, it was just her making comments. E.g we were all talking about Xmas and she randomly bought up when her and X went for dinner in the summer. It just wasn’t relevant at all. Even my DH who usually doesn’t notice these things commented on it later.

OP posts:
RatatouillePie · 23/01/2024 17:19

It depends how you look at it.

Sometimes it's nice just to hang out as a two, not a three or more.

I'm really good friends with A and B and we used to hang out together, but although A and B get on, they wouldn't initiate a group invite.

So now I hang out with A sometimes, and I hang out with B sometimes. Probably more with A. It's not a queen bee thing. Sometimes it's nice to have that one to one time with a friend and not part of a group. I hadn't even thought about it being a Queen Bee thing!

Original poster
Spinning101 · 23/01/2024 17:22

@RatatouillePie totally agree that you don’t always need to socialise as a big group (and I know some people will always get on better) but if you were out with A&B, would you spend the whole time talking about the time you’d been out with A? Thats the bit for me that’s rude

OP posts:
SuperFurryCat · 23/01/2024 17:27

I know the type you mean. You have to maintain an ‘I don’t care’ attitude with them, because if they see you react they will do it more. They do it for the reaction I think - the wounded look. I think they must get a kick out of it. Ask them questions about it to reinforce you don’t care, even if you do.

RatatouillePie · 23/01/2024 17:27

Spinning101 · 23/01/2024 17:22

@RatatouillePie totally agree that you don’t always need to socialise as a big group (and I know some people will always get on better) but if you were out with A&B, would you spend the whole time talking about the time you’d been out with A? Thats the bit for me that’s rude

Well if it was something relevant then it might be brought up. e.g. something funny. It's certainly not said to rub the other person's face in it.

B is well aware I go out with A. A is aware I sometimes go for a drink with B. There's nothing bitchy meant by it. It's just nice to have a 1 to 1 chat rather than a group a lot of the time!

WhatIsHeThinking · 23/01/2024 17:35

I understand what you’re trying to say OP and I have experienced this. You aren’t trying to make yourself a main character at all. These women just seem to shoehorn in any shared experience they can to exclude the ‘newbie’. I find they usually are insecure themselves.
It’s also transparent to everyone else listening, who are usually too polite to say anything!
It’s niggling, but don’t give it too much headspace.

FallingStar21 · 24/01/2024 06:15

I've been in similar situations OP, but at the school gates 😂 or birthday parties that my son has been to.
It's quite clear when they speak to everyone else but you, and don't even look at you - for no other reason than the fact you are not part of their group. It's awful and it's made me very avoidant.

WandaWonder · 24/01/2024 06:22

We can't say because we are not them or in their head but if it was genuinley the case I am not 12 nor are they so I would happily avoid them if they were acting like that would be like being back in school

madamepresident · 24/01/2024 07:06

Yes I've experienced it too and it's so childish

Original poster
Spinning101 · 24/01/2024 09:19

it does feel like being back at school doesn’t it !!

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 24/01/2024 09:24

I have a group of 10 friends, often meet up with some of them seperately and i know other smaller groups catch up too. But none of us would never highlight it to the wider group. I would actively avoid mentioning.

There are people like the one you mention, but i think/hope most people are not like that. And most people will think it makes the person mentioning other catch ups look tactless rather than popular.

Zephyry · 24/01/2024 09:30

Yes I have some friends and a couple of them like to drop in casually that they know more about a topic of conversation, to make it clear to everyone they already knew so must spend time together without the others. Definitely a hangover from school type behaviour

Ellie1015 · 24/01/2024 09:42

Reminds me when people post good news on facebook and people comment "congratulations again" making it clear they already know 🙄

yellowbowls · 24/01/2024 09:45

I don't know about that, I've had friends previously try and chat shit to me about other mutual friends and I really don't like that kind of thing so would just stop them and say so. They didn't much like that to be honest.

If I prefer to see friends without a particular person there its usually for a good reason like the other person is mean or otherwise unpleasant to be around making things difficult for everyone else. However I wouldn't rub their noses in it when I did see them. I don't understand why you would do that, what purpose does it serve?

Gowlett · 24/01/2024 09:48

I had this in an office job, where the other women who I shared the room with (two of them) would joke & gossip about me (emailing each other). Other women at work pointed it out (they would obviously talk about me as well). And asked how I put up with it. Honestly, I took no notice. While these two were at home watching Corrie with their cats every night, I was out having a laugh! They didn’t like it…

Nonplusultra · 24/01/2024 09:55

It’s important not to assume that everyone else has good social skills because a lot of people just do not. She sounds like she’s lacking in self awareness and not thinking about how she’s coming across.

Other people notice, but they’re dealing with their own issues and may just keep quiet, grateful they’re not on the receiving end.

Sone people can’t stretch their attention far and come across as if they’re excluding or ignoring, when they just don’t have the capacity to focus on more than their conversation.

Or they’re too cripplingly shy to reach out to someone they don’t know.

Once I started to notice those things, it was easier to shrug off.

Loofaa · 24/01/2024 10:03

I had this with DH friends wives. Every time there was a social event they would talk about things they had done together in the past, completely excluding me from conversation. They would also talk about upcoming meet ups (coffees, drinks, dinners) and never invite me. The final nail in the coffin was when I had a party that I invited them all to, hoping to build relationships / friendships, and they all accepted the invite and then dropped out one by one. Turned out they’d all planned another event on the same day as my party that I wasn’t invited to. Really bitchy.

I gave up after that, and to be honest, I’m all the better for it as I no longer feel obligated to go along to events with my DH and hang out with them. Thanks but no thanks!

purplesmiler · 24/01/2024 10:04

Similar experience to@FallingStar21 I can only do the school run a couple of times a week due to work and I've noticed how one Mum in particular tends to make a point of saying things loudly to make a point in regard to her relationship with one of the other mums when I am stood with them. At first I was a little bothered but as the weeks have gone on I find I am better at blocking it out and don't hang around for the small talk. I think this person has insecurities.

CutiePatooties · 24/01/2024 10:05

I agree with you. I’m always the odd one out, but with my current job I finally was part of the ‘in crowd’ and another lady was the odd one out. I defended her as I’d been her so many times before and would’ve loved to have someone back me. She’s now part of the ‘in crowd’ and I’m back to being the odd one out again.

OceanicBoundlessness · 24/01/2024 10:06

Nonplusultra · 24/01/2024 09:55

It’s important not to assume that everyone else has good social skills because a lot of people just do not. She sounds like she’s lacking in self awareness and not thinking about how she’s coming across.

Other people notice, but they’re dealing with their own issues and may just keep quiet, grateful they’re not on the receiving end.

Sone people can’t stretch their attention far and come across as if they’re excluding or ignoring, when they just don’t have the capacity to focus on more than their conversation.

Or they’re too cripplingly shy to reach out to someone they don’t know.

Once I started to notice those things, it was easier to shrug off.

I agree with this.
I think it takes real skill to keep making someone they don't know very well continue to feel included after you've done the polite introductory conversations and that people resort to talking about shared experience over finding topics that everyone can join in with.

Sanguinello · 24/01/2024 10:06

I have seen this. The people I saw do it were not the brightest.