Changing the name of an adopted child

[Lospecesenelrio]

It's not about me, but because I am going to adopt my sd, I have been on lots of adoption forums. There's one thread that really caught my attention. 2 white American who adopted a little girl from the DR of the Congo and were complaining that her name was too "exotic" (their word not mine) and wanted to change it. The name is... Prospère!

But what shock me the most is that the child is 9yo. Am I completely oblvious or is this some type of abuse?

I live in a state which has a higher percentage of white people than other states and still, my kids go to school with children whose names include Sophie, DeMaras, Juan, Ngoc, Sherwa, Finn, Anwar, Sundus, Keelie, Solveig, Boris, Fiana, Houa, D'Shawn etc.

no the original birth name wasnt that unusual i just think they didnt like it. They did adopt my other sister at the same time me and my other sister were adopted and kept hername the same (she was about 6 months old and at the time they split babies away from siblings as easier to adopt so me and my 3 year old sister went to 1 foster home and the baby went to another. They ended up adopting her and then another sister when my birth mother had another one.
They do live in the same city as our birth family but as they didnt change the other sisters name I dont think that was a consideration. This was the 80s though so things were different.

Regardless of the child's age, her name is her identity, her parents chose it and gave it to her, I find it disrespectful to change it on adoption.
Your adopting her for who she is. So I suggest keep the name, it's part of her heritage, her lineage, her history.
It seems you think you can polish her up and start fresh. Real adopted humans always long to know who they are and where they are from.

@Nellieinthebarn in the past, choosing a new name for an adopted child was common, and marked the child joining the new family. Your friend's parents were wrong to keep it secret though

Now, it's highly unusual, as the name is regarded as an important part of the child's family, and a link to birth family

Her name is all she has, poor kid....

Very interesting, thanks for replying. I hope life turned out well for you all

Nothing to do with adoption but ...

A friend is Congolese. Her name is Esperance which is Swahili for Hope. She calls herself Hope in the UK.

A young lad I know has a name that would be perceived to be very Congolese and difficult to pronounce in the UK. It has been shortened to Mo (which are the first two letters of it).

It's a shame not to keep their heritage alive. I think people should be making an effort to pronounce more unusual names!

I'm adopted at birth, my name was changed, but they kept my first name as a middle name.

In some cultures it's common, particularly for girls to choose their own name from aged 6-9. Whilst their family often names them at birth (often a family name or the same as their mum) children often choose a name that they feel suits them more.
It's not that out of the ordinary for this age group to start using shortened versions of their birth name anyway so, not much difference in name changes.

Don't take any adoption advice from Americans. I'd steer clear because it's so different to UK good practice. Glibly denying the children their sense of self and reinforcing a negative opinion of their background is a prime example.

Esperance is not swahili but French. It is common in -both- Congo to use french adjectives as names.

I remember two brothers at school who were adopted and they changed their first names.

I also know of another family, who adopted their foster child. They changed her name as the original was very identifiable

From the posts the couple made, it seems they struggle to communicate with her now that she left the DRC. They had a translator before.

• Sorry the name is Prospérité not Prospère, which I find not so hard. But maybe I am biased because English isn't my first language. Prosperity would make sense but Isla or Claire ... ?

They also said " We want her to feel American rather than African-American so no names like Precious or Aaliyah".

It's probably easier for me to judje I guess, because my daughter is from my ethnic background and I have known her since she was a baby.

@Toddlerteaplease But for a child who's lost her parents in a war, and has no idea if whether they're dead or not, isn't it better to keep the original name?

@Lospecesenelrio

I'm just going on what she told me

YANBU. This girl isn't a baby who doesn't know or care about names. Her name is part of her identity. International adoption is a difficult enough process without stripping that from her, especially on something as flimsy as the parents' personal taste. I'd be seriously questioning the adoptive parents' suitability.

OP, I would have this moved to the adoption board for more informed perspectives, especially if you have any questions about step parent adoption.

My husband was born during the war to an unmarried teenager. His adoption was forced on her when he was 6 months old. His new parents gave him new first and second names. Why, I don't know.
Just to add- his adoptive parents were lovely - and some 10 years ago we found his birth mother - a very happy reunion. She was lovely as well.

In the UK current practice prevents you changing the name of a 9 year old as that's their identity.

Due to a child abuse case that hit the UK media this was explained.

I used to know a family who called their DD a certain name for a couple of weeks when she was born and then decided it didn't work for them so she was registered with the name she grew up with. In a family chat one day someone mentioned this and the girl was upset and demanded to be called by her "real" name. It caused a real problem in the family. I could never work out if she was just being an awkward 13 year old or if she really felt that was her name. Not sure how it worked out as we moved cities a few months later and I never heard the end of the story but it does show that feeling a name is yours can be quite a serious matter.

When my parents adopted my brothers they didn't change their names but they did add to them - they let them each choose an extra middle name from our culture. That seems alright to me, keep the original names but add in a new one for the new family.

I can identify with that. At about 9 or 10 I decided I hated the shortening of my name that my family used. At 11 when I changed schools I said I wanted to be known by a different shortening, so something like being named Elizabeth, family called me Betty and I wanted to be known as Liz.

No one who met me post 11 other than nieces and nephews calls me the Betty name but it was impossible to get my parents and siblings to change.

I have a real visceral hatred of the Betty name and I cringe when I hear it even for other people so I can see the positives of children of a certain age being allowed to choose their own name. I can imagine some parents not liking it though.

It's discouraged in the UK but can be a valid choice. I adopted a baby intending to keep her (very distinctive and uniquely spelt) name. But it made her very easy to trace, and there was a real threat from the birth family. Luckily her nickname from birth was a short version of her name, so we kept calling her that, and changed her official name to a much more common version (think changing Izza-bellana to Isabel, with the same nickname of Bella).

And, importantly, we have always been transparent, so my dd knows her first name and can switch back to it if she wants.

The important thing is that if names are changed it is done for the genuine benefit of the child, not for the parents' preferences. Adopted children have already lost so much, you don't take away anything extra if you can help it.

Prospere (how do you get the accent on top?) is such a beautiful name. I'd never change that.