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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why close friend hasn't told me she's given birth?

56 replies

Drumbleton · 23/01/2024 09:40

I accidentally found out from another friend of hers (acquaintance of mine) that she'd given birth.
Do you think I'm right to wonder what that's about (have I upset her etc), or just put it down to the stress of the period, and that she and her partner have their hands full at the moment?

I'm really not asking in a 'who is right, who is wrong' sort of way, more do you think there could be anything to it? Or am I overthinking and should just send my congratulations?

I wouldn't dream of raising it with her right now as she's just had her baby girl.

OP posts:

NewYearNameChanger · 23/01/2024 11:11

We just told close friends and family by whatsapp, and then announced on facebook about a week later. I'm not clear from your OP if you even knew she was pregnant? If you didn't I guess you hadn't been close for a while so you are probably just not on her radar.

Tangletweaser · 23/01/2024 11:12

If message her, although I do disagree with some of these comments. I was bored out of my mind the few days after DD was born, all they do is sleep so messaged everyone personally to let them know how she was and that she was here!

Menomeno · 23/01/2024 11:19

I’ve noticed it’s becoming a thing to keep the birth secret for a time, presumably for the new parents to have a bit of space before the hoards descend. A relative had a baby, and even though I spoke to them on the phone over Christmas they didn’t mention that they’d given birth (in fact they pretended they hadn’t). I thought it was quite weird, especially as we live hundreds of miles away and wouldn’t have been visiting anyway, but each to their own.

Listentogold · 23/01/2024 11:21

I've been waiting nearly 37 years for my friend to actually tell me personally that she had given birth.
I heard like you from a mutual friend. I just sent a card and small gift.
We are still friends.

emmaempenadas · 23/01/2024 11:26

My friend fell out with me because I didn't tell her ds was born.

I'd had a very long labour, emcs, ds in nicu.

Dh was the one who told people ds was born because I was exhausted, in pain and worried about him since he was in nicu.

FaithfulTraitor · 23/01/2024 11:28

I doubt it’s anything personal, it’s probably how overwhelming it all is. But I have noticed it’s become a thing to keep the pregnancy and birth secret, copying some z list celebs I think.

Snowyymum · 23/01/2024 11:40

Slightly different perspective - but perhaps she felt uncomfortable announcing her good news generally. I am socially awkward so generally feel uncomfortable announcing anything unless someone specifically ask how things are ( even if I got a new job etc). They might not want to be insensitive announcing their good news without checking in how you are first. Equally they don’t want to text ‘ how’s you - and then attach a photo of baby as then the it’s obvious the intent of text was to announce life development.

Secondly My dd is a ‘miracle baby’ completely contradicting science. After fertility battles and losses - I am perhaps overly conscious of being sensitive to others and didn’t want to announce to anyone unless I was hundred percent sure they were happy with their own family setup. I literally fought the urge to send newborn photos to friends as I didn’t want to be insensitive or ‘showing off’. I am not suggesting my thoughts were rational or justified just offering another perspective
Even if she intentionally did not tell you it’s could be more to do with her internal working than personal to you.

SparkyBlue · 23/01/2024 11:40

You are overthinking it. She just assumes the news will be passed along. I'd send a congratulatory message to her. I know a mum from a baby group I was in didn't mention her baby had been born as she was born with Downs Syndrome and they were still processing everything themselves. Don't make this about your hurt feelings as you will make yourself look ridiculous.

MystyLuna · 23/01/2024 11:43

I was in labour for 41 hours. I then had to stay in hospital over night and didn't get any sleep because a nurse would come in to check on everyone every hour.
When I got home I was so tired after 3 nights without much sleep. I was in so much pain I could hardly walk.
I hadn't been home long before my community midwife turned up to check on me and the baby.
Then I had family members turning up to see the baby and all I wanted to do was sleep.
4 days after giving birth my nan died.
The next day my other nan (who I hadn't spoken to in years) phoned to have a go at me for not calling her to thank her for the card she had sent.
At that point I hadn't even got round to opening any of the cards.
I was exhausted and in agony after a traumatic birth. I didn't tell anyone I had given birth not even my parents. I left it to my partner to let people know.
Contacting my friends individually to let them know was the last thing on my mind.
Just text your friend to say congratulations and you are thinking about her. Don't overthink it. She probably hasn't left you out intentionally.

WonderingAboutThus · 23/01/2024 11:46

I wouldn't read anything into it. For births like for deaths, word of mouth does the trick, the actual people on the inner circle are overwhelmed with the event. Who gets told when and how is pretty random and very insignificant.

HowToSaveAWife · 23/01/2024 11:57

I didn't tell anyone bar close family with my first or second. First was a trauma birth, horrendous blood loss, baby in NICU with injury etc. Second was elective section, baby was good and healthy, so was I, just recuperating.

In both instances anyone outside of baby, me and DH and DC1 were not my concern.

Kindly, this isn't about you so stop reading it as such.

TinyTeachr · 23/01/2024 11:59

I only "announced" with my DTwins as they were born in lockdown. Otherwise people were told when I next spoke to them. I never thought that was unusual.

DC4 actually did get a bit awkward.... I kept the pregnancy quiet as there were relatives in ill health that needed to be the priority/focus. I then kind of forgot to tell people! Had a Christmas card from one (good but not local) friend to say she had heard a had a busy year and looked forward to an update from us soon! I felt rather silly.

JadziaD · 23/01/2024 12:03

I think it depends on 1. How close you are and 2. when the baby was born.

So if you are super super close and baby was born a week ago, I would be concerned.

If you're close, but not super close and it was in the last few days, I wouldn't think anything of it.

DH and I did do the Facebook thing with ours, avoiding the endless need to send personal text messages. I think we only contacted family directly. He has a few sort of friend WhatsApp groups he posted to and I seem to recall I may have sent a couple of early messages to one or two very close friends, but that's it.

I'd send her a congratulatory message, do whatever you'd normally do for a close friend and assume she's in the haze.

Ponderingwindow · 23/01/2024 12:04

We only informed very close family right away. We asked that they pass around the information.

it was maybe a couple of weeks later that we got around to actually making sure everyone knew.

Daisies12 · 23/01/2024 12:13

stcrispinsday · 23/01/2024 09:47

You are overthinking it. When you have a newborn baby the last thing on your mind is who you've remembered to tell. Just send her a message saying you've heard the news and congratulations.

This.

Doneit555 · 23/01/2024 12:15

She probably sent a group message and aded lots of people thinking she added you!

honestly I did it and forgot some important people. Complete honest mistake!

text her and congratulate her on her new baby :)

VoleChomper · 23/01/2024 12:26

Depends how long ago the baby was born I suppose.

You know her. Is she the type to take offence over things that seem inconsequential to you?

Send a gift and your congratulations and wait a couple of weeks and see if she responds.

SweetBirdsong · 23/01/2024 13:52

YABVU. It's not about you, and giving birth is very stressful and bloody hard work. Exhausting and overwhelming, and the first few days/few weeks you are in a daze.

I had mine and DH's first child in one summer in the 1990s, and he had already booked off 3 weeks from work for 2 days before the due date and after. (She was born within a day of it.)

So she was born 7th June, and we let parents and siblings know (we have one sibling each) and they let the extended family know. One woman who was a colleague of DH's, who he had worked with for 3 years (I will call her Mandy,) sent a message to DH 5 days after DD was born, (via a mutual friend) saying she was devastated that she was not informed of the birth, (This was before emails/mobile phones/texting/facebook/twitter.whatsapp.) Indeed there was no internet. Yet she thought my DH - shortly after our PFB was born should rush to the phone and tell Mandy, his fucking factory work colleague, that 'it's a girl!'

Sorry MANDY, but this is not only not about you, but also it's fuck-all to DO with you. She snubbed my DH when he went back to work, and said to other people that we owe her an apology. 😆 Batshit. When she decided to come round and start speaking again - a few weeks later when people said she was being daft, she started banging on about her and her boyfriend of 4 years being Godparents. They weren't even invited to the Christening! It was family only. And 4 or 5 very close friends.

She stopped talking to him again. Stupid cow. At that point, DH said 'oh fuck off Mandy, you daft cow. We don't owe you anything, and certainly not a place in our baby's life!' He ignored HER then. Permanently. She left a few months after. Utterly bonkers. She was one of those women who always tried to be mates with 'the lads' and tried to invite herself to their 'lads nights out' playing darts and pool etc. Weirdo!

CantFindMyMarbles · 24/01/2024 17:57

Grow up.
send A message to say congratulations and how you can’t wait to meet the baby.
don’t sour those precious first days because you want validation and attention.

Createausername1970 · 24/01/2024 18:17

Never had a baby as we adopted, but I was a bit overwhelmed for a few days after DS arrived, and I hadn't even given birth.

Drop her a message - straightforward congratulations, or "A little bird tells me the stork has made a delivery" or whatever. But don't take it personally.

Ilovecleaning · 24/01/2024 18:22

Does sound odd - despite the excuses offered by some posters.

CoffeeMama1 · 24/01/2024 18:35

So I had my little girl last week, and didn't tell some of my closest friends. It wasn't at all out of malice or anything, just it was a lot to process, the experience itself wasn't quite what I expected/hoped, and I know that telling people opens you up to a lot of questions that I didn't really want to answer.

I wouldn't take it personally, there are many many reasons and the last thing on her mind would've been any petty "I'm not telling because of X or Y"

MCOut · 24/01/2024 19:38

Don’t overthink it, it was probably an oversight. Some friends of mine didn’t announce their pregnancy until she had given birth because of all the problems they had had on their journey. It might be something that you don’t know about so just send your congratulations.

Allthingsdecember · 24/01/2024 19:38

My BIL, who I’m very close to, missed me of the group chat to say my Dsis had given birth. It didn’t matter because DH was in there, but it shows how easily it can be done.

Honestly, don’t read too much into this. Having a baby is really overwhelming and it’s understandable to forget to tell a friend, even if you’re close.

OldPerson · 24/01/2024 21:15

Did you know she was pregnant? Of course you send your congratulations as soon as you found out. You would hope that the world was happy with the news and "the news" would get around. The new baby is life-changing. The grandparents are clamouring. Mum and dad have forgotten what sleep was like. Really. Right now they're discussing what the poo of their baby is like and what it might mean. Send a card or text immediately.

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