Is it all or nothing, quitting booze

[Sosobercurious]

Recently been reading some sober literature recommended on here, and the way Clare Pooley describes things really resonated. She details how she basically couldn't bear her children when she was drinking (!), and then how one of them said she was "more mummyish" since stopping. She probably drank twice as much in a day and more often than me. And I haven't yet put it in a mug at 11am.

i have massively noticed this recently. I don't think I'm a problem drinker addiction wise (definitely my university - 30s consumption and behaviour was quite shocking in retrospect) but DH and I have definitely slipped into enjoying A bottle of red often in the evenings at home, and often more in total if it's the weekend or social. I used to be able to have a few glasses but these days it really disrupts my sleep, makes me grumpy and yes in summary makes me way less mummyish! I have done dry Jan for the first time this year and noticed a massive difference already in sleep and mood and in particular in my enjoyment of the company of small children, which is great. I do love a social wine though and whilst I'm happy to give up the mindless home sofa consumption, I'd like to keep that in my life.

so my question is... is moderation possible if you're definitely a few rungs down the addiction scale than the writers of these books? Or will I just creep back up as they say they would have.

And, do you get the amazing benefits they speak of from quitting completely if you only nearly quit? My social life isn't that active so I think I could easily get down to once/twice a month with friends, but is it better to bite the bullet and quit?

I'm currently in the process of reading Annie Grace's This Naked Mind with a view to getting sober. I would love to be one of those people who can just have one glass then stop, but that's just not me. I can have days off – which I do, at least three a week – and I can even do a month. But the second the first glass is drained the urge to pour the next one kicks in and it's game over. I'm not a falling down drunk by any stretch, but now I've entered my 50s I'm acutely aware how much my tolerance has risen and that I can sink a bottle of wine across an evening and feel okay the next day. That makes me a problem drinker, if not an alcoholic.

I think I've known for a long time that I need to give up. My BMI is in the obese range, I suffer joint pain and my libido is AWOL and while I know being peri- is an issue, alcohol is the major contributing factor. I feel like my body has inflammation and that it's caused by booze. The tipping point for giving up has been my teen telling me my consumption bothers them. I'm a very happy "I love yoouuuu all" kind of drinker but they hate how it impacts my mood and they don't like seeing me tipsy. Mortifying conversation to have, but I'm so glad they spoke up. It's been the push I've needed and, frankly, longed for.

What I've realised reading This Naked Mind is that I'm not bothered about not drinking, I'm worried what people will say when they find out I am sober. That my friends and DH will think I'm boring! But I can't keep chucking booze down my throat and making myself poorly just to make everyone else happy!

Edited to add

Sorry, OP, didn't mean to wang on just about me! If your children are small, maybe they can't articulate yet. But as they get older they may well notice more like my teen has. I hope you do manage to carry on drinking moderately. I know it's beyond me, but there's no reason why others can't.

Like you, DH and I enjoyed a glass of red in the evening. We both sleep better, stay up later and watch something on tv, talk or listen to music.

We are doing Dry Jan and have been surprised we haven’t missed it at all. Both sleeping better, the quality of the sleep is so much better, that in itself is quite addictive.

We are getting more done in an evening, have more energy, less bloated, eating more healthily so no snacks as invariably we will tuck in if having a drop of wine.

We don’t want to slip back into a nightly vino, as pleasant as it is- the pounds were piling on and we feel so much fresher too. We do plan to have a bottle on a Saturday evening and when socialising.

We’ll never book an all inclusive holiday again, I hate the waste and DH found himself having an extra drink for the sake of it. Just pointless.

Good luck to everyone hoping to drink less in 2024!

In my 20s I was an alcoholic, or certainly well on my way and exhibiting lots of negative behaviour around and for alcohol
During my late 20s and 30s I was teetotal
From about 40 onwards I started drinking again and I drink a cider or two, or a wine or two and really enjoy them. On rare occasions I get drunk.

I'd recommend time off to anyone that feels like they need it. I reckon anyone who considers doing dry January probably knows they've got a bit of a problem, you finding it easy is hugely positive because you can readily convert it into whatever timescale you want. My years teetotal gave me alot of time to reflect on my relationship with alcohol and it was actually a very close friend who suggested I try drinking again (the deal was I give up cigarettes).

I don't know what it was that changed but having the time off really reset my relationship with it and when I started drinking again I've never really been concerned about going back to old ways because it's just not appealing.

I used to drink far too much then about 18 months ago I just seemed to lose interest, now I can go weeks without a drink and it doesn't even cross my mind but I can still enjoy a drink at social occasions so I think you can have a happy medium

My experience is that you need to replace the habitual nature of your drinking with another pleasant enough routine. I used to plonk down tired and hungry in front of the tv at 6, open a bottle of wine, eat when I remembered to, off to bed when the bottle was empty. I now eat ha;f 5 ish, I've got into TV quiz shows at 6pm to keep my brain occupied, then a cup of tea and biscuit at half 7 as a bit of a treat. The wine just doesnt fit into this new routine, and so I don't miss it. Its not as if my evenings are hugely different, but it has been enough of a change to nudge me out of the wine habit. I have tried many times before to cut down/give up, but realise now that I failed because I was sticking to the old routine eg. pouring myself a wine glass of nosecco/low alcohol wine and all that did was make me even more aware of what I was missing rather than breaking the habit of it. Hope that makes sense!

Alcohol is an addictive drug. The natural tendency is to drink more rather than less.

Do you know anyone who drinks less now than they did ten years ago?

This weekend just past was my 9 yr anniversary of being sober. I'm 41 this year.

I recommend the Allan carr book.

Nothing terrible happens if you just...quit... it's much nicer than constantly restricting your intake (or trying to and failing)

Maybe some boundaries or rules - we don’t drink at home and I find I drink less when I do go out and drink now. I also don’t drink everytime I do go out. Try some new rules and see what works?

I don't keep booze in the house so I can only be a social drinker. That's my rule and I don't break it. It means I only drink once or twice a month and I only tend to drink as much as the other person/people I'm with.

Don't put any expectations on yourself, like 'right i'm never drinking again'. I would get rid of the booze in the house (if there is any), then just take it day by day. Don't go past the booze ailse in the shop and drink mocktails or water when you go for a meal. in AA they say one day at a time, and that's quite a good philosophy. The longer you go without the less you will want it. Even if you do have a drink, you may well find your enjoyment is a lot less. If you used to drink at night, go for a brisk walk instead, or make hot chocolate with whipped cream for a treat, just little things to entertain you in the time you might reach for the bottle. Good on you for realising you can enjoy life without needing to drink.

This quote really resonates for me. Nobody drinks in morning.... until they do.

It's a slippery slope for many people and if you struggle with moderation then going alcohol free is the way forward.

Like a PP, I found moderation more difficult. It took up way more headspace than it should have and ultimately led to me drinking more than before.

I've been alcohol free for (very nearly) 2 years now and I'd never go back.

I used to drink heavily in my 20s (3 or 6 G&Ts at lunchtime, often drinking in the evening too) - but it was largely the work culture.
As I moved on, I drank less, but could easily have a bottle of wine with a meal, and pre or post meal drinks too.
Now I rarely drink more than a single glass of wine, and could easily go a few weeks without drinking at all.
I think the degree to which you're an alcoholic (and thus have to cut out alcohol all together) depends whether you're drinking because you are dependent on alcohol. or just drinking because you enjoy it - or out of habit.

I used to drink a bottle of wine almost every day, sometimes more. I had a secret fear that I was a “functioning alcoholic “ but lockdown coincided with peri menopause and I realised that having a gin for boris 5pm speech was adding to my anxiety rather than helping. I didn’t quit but I cut down, massively and, to everyone’s surprise, I don’t really miss it. I hate spending time with our old “heavy drinking “ friends whereas 5 years ago I’d have been gutted to miss a piss up.

now I notice that I sleep badly when I’ve had a drink, if I find myself drinking 2-3 nights in a row my mood plummets and before I had a faulty off switch and would be the last to stop drinking I’m often the first.

None of this happened overnight but it probably took a few months.

I find it so much easier just stopping altogether. Sleep, fitness, mental agility all so much better for it. I’ve had ups and downs with booze over the years, from being teetotal for a few years to drinking a bottle of wine daily (sometimes more). I’ve found I naturally reach for booze when the going gets tough so always associate it with “coping” rather than “living”.

I grew up in a very boozy background then spent a lot of time in a teetotal country in my twenties and seeing people socialise and enjoy themselves without alcohol was mind blowing.

The answer is very dependant on personality. I have tried dry Jan before and felt no difference. But then again, I only have one or, rarely, two glasses of wine and only a few times a week. When I go out, I tend to have 1 or 2 cocktails max before I switch to water. DH and I had a whole bottle of wine on Boxing Day and that was the first time in like a year, at least! I have no problem moderating my drinking. If you do, then you need to get strict, absolutely.

I've been sober for 394 days and yes it's worth it. I barely ever think about drinking now. My skin looks amazing and I've lost a stone. I've saved £1126. I use a sober app which is very motivating.

Please don't apologize!! I wanted other peoples real life experiences! Best of luck with the next steps!

But once a bottle is open we tend to get through it is all. If I don't start and I've made the decision, I don't agonise. Could you try a 325ml bottle to share between you for meals? Fill your glass a third full - in theory the empty space fills with aroma of the wine and improves the experience. Then having two glasses hasn’t been so much. Have a glass of water at the table, drink the water for thirst, the wine to savour (so it’s worth buying reasonably nice wine).

I only put a bottle on the table for special occasions, or for a specially nice meal. And I don’t drink when out - our wine tends to be nicer than I’ve had in pubs. It helps that a lot of my friendship group don’t bring their partners, so nearly everyone is avoiding alcohol because they’re driving.

I think it depends on many factors. I spent a lot of my 20’s and early 30’s drinking far too much but with few negative consequences. For the most part it was a lot of fun.

I cut down a lot when I had children and over the last 5 years do not drink during the weekdays. During the last year, I’ve cut out Friday drinking for the most part. I might have one small beer or a cider but that’s it. I will drink if I go out and we will sometime share a Saturday night bottle of wine.

Cutting down wasnt a reaction to a problem but more a desire to be sharp in the morning and finding it harder as I get older. I’m 47 soon so could also be peri. I personally don’t feel a need to be completely alcohol free.

@Canuckduck that sounds good. Hoping to go the same way. I definitely embarrassed myself quite a few times in 20/30s and a fair few mobile phones left in cabs, but nothing more disastrous than that (although I do sometimes wonder how)! Agree that for the most part it was a lot of fun, but with the confidence I have now I wish I could have enjoyed myself more when less drunk at that age. Would definitely hope that for my own children.

I’ve decided I’m better alcohol free. I found my drinking creeping up since my dm died, and I definitely used it as a crutch at the time. After a month or two of drinking nearly every day I decided to only drink at weekends. That started being a glass or two and ended up being a bottle which is far too much. Obviously holidays and Christmas didn't count so I was drinking nearly every day then. I also drank lots when out with friends (we are a bad influence on each other).

It’s only been 3 weeks but I just feel so much better. I sleep like a baby, I have more energy, more patience and my peri hot flushes have vanished. I missed alcohol once when out for dinner, but I tried an overpriced glass of alcohol free fizz (which was a poor substitute if I’m honest) and decided I was happy to stick to sparkling water. I’m a little nervous about my next night out with the girls but they are supportive. I will drive as I always used to (I rarely drank when my kids were small) and just make the most of seeing them.

I do enjoy a glass of wine but at my age I just don’t think it’s worth the payoff. I may reconsider after a few months but I feel so much better that I just can’t see it.

I think the difference you might feel will depend on your starting point.

I used to drink a few glasses of wine and a few beers over a week. Always well within my 14 units. Might have one big drinking night every 2-3 months and lose a morning to a hangover.

Now I have maybe one glass of wine a week and I rarely have any beer. I can't honestly say I've noticed any difference to my life.

But the quit lit is very inspirational!

Well done, OP. I know that life is easier for me with just a blanket ban, as I'm not too clever at self control

Harenpepper the accuarate but probably least helpful is "it depends"

This stood out for me as I am very likely to go to a second glass and often more. Though I notice a pattern of when this is.

1. When I'm tired

2 when I've already been consistently drinking even if I have kept to 1/2 glasses. 3 weekend - more of an excuse to drink

I am currently in a blanket ban which came about from needing to lose weight than staying off booze. Reaffirming the benefits to myself (,though of both) but better skin, hair and nails eyes are clearer and brighter too. The weight is coming off very slowly. Was sleeping better though am waking up again which is a shame.

Can only speak for myself, but it was all or nothing for me. I went from quite heavy drinking (mainly wine) to complete abstinence in Jan 2022 and haven't touched alcohol since. Like you I was (among other things) sick of the effects on mood, mentality and energy levels. I was ready for it not to be part of my life any more, and life's good without it. Hope you find the right thing for yourself!

For anyone with an addiction, moderation is not possible.