To ban my ignorant father-in-law from the house?

[Loofaa]

My father-in-law is in his mid 70s and is extremely ignorant, and at times rude. There are many examples of behaviour outside of this situation that I have ‘let slide’, but I am at the end of my tether with regards to his comments about my neurodivergent son.

When I first met my husband, he repeatedly asked him what was ‘wrong’ with my son. My husband told him that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with him, he has ASD & ADHD, and whilst he struggles with social skills, he is brilliant at reading, maths, writing, is very kind etc. Despite this, he continues to use the terminology ‘wrong’ in private conversations with my husband.

Next, he was in our kitchen with my mother-in-law, and I overheard him referring to my son as strange. He didn’t think I heard the conversation, but I did.

Then, this past weekend, my son was watching TV in the living room, and I was sat with my father-in-law at the table in the same room. My father-in-law asked loudly if he’s educated with everyone else in his mainstream school or if he has to attend special needs classes. I told him that my son has no academic issues, in fact he is extremely clever despite his quirky social skills, so special needs classes wouldn’t be suitable for him. He then remarked that he was surprised! This was all in front of my son, who luckily was so absorbed in the TV that he didn’t notice the remarks.

My husband and I also have an 8 month old baby. On a few occasions now he has pretended to innocently ask if our baby is meeting his milestones. He does not ask these questions about other babies in the family. He’s obviously asking this because of my son. I’ve also noticed him ‘testing’ our baby for example checking his eye contact.

AIBU to tell my husband that his father isn’t welcome in our home unless he stops these remarks and behaviour?

Course she can. He sounds stupid and vile.

Cultural makes zero difference. Anyone insults my child would not step into my house. I’d have done it the first time it happened personally.

So have you spoken to your husband yet, @Loofaa

Culture does make a lot of difference because where I come from, the day you think of banning your inlaws, that's the day you should be thinking of a divorce. It's probably a western thing. You can't just disown your parents or ban your inlaws from your house.

I think you have unrealistic expectations of your FIL. I dare say your son is strange and it's not unreasonable to think he may have additional needs at school. He's used unfortunate wording by asking what's 'wrong' with him but it sounds like he just wants to u derstand rather than judge.
My dad used to call my son an 'odd ball'. He is different. I used to say 'yes Dad, he is an odd ball but he's our odd ball and we love him as he is'.
You don't say how long you've been with your OH. FIL won't have been around from the beginning and had time to get to know him. I don't think banning him from your home is a nice or helpful option. Have you ever sat down with him and discussed ASD/Autism? Have you explained how words like weird can hurt you? How does your son feel towards him? If he's neutral I'd try to repair things. I suspect your FIL doesn't even know he's upset you.

People go No Contact with their parents or in-laws. It's normal if you have to cut an abusive person from your life. It doesn't mean you need to divorce!!

@NaughtybutNice77 If you actually read the OP's posts you will see he keeps on at it all the time each time he visits, despite being told not to.

He sounds like a horrible man OP! What an arsehole!

I'd be telling your DH that he needs to have serious words with his father, as IMO you have every right to ban him from your house! I cannot stand people like him, who deliberately say and do things to stir the pot. He knows full well what he's doing with his sly little digs about your son!

Unfortunately many people over 70 do not understand we are all the same but different. Next time your FIL asks or comments state 'We are all the same but diffrent' then proceed to tell him to stop being so rude and arrogant about your DS as he is completely normal, if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything. Treat him like a child and see how long until it stops. Very rude man,Good luck xx

I promise you, he heard, he took it in and he's noted what his grandad has said. He may not act like it but he did.

As someone with a 5 year old with several disabilities, to the point I'm currently homeschooling him because he's mentally only 2 years old and who will have to go to a "special school" (urgh makes me sick calling it that), this absolutely boils my piss.

I don't think straight cutting him off is the best idea, help educate him (my father is of a similar age and thankfully not like this but even as that was the case, he still took the time to sit down and learn about his grandson) also explain that his way of speak about and around your son isn't beneficial for the boy at all and if he has concerns they need to be brought up in a area and time that your son is not able to hear said conversation (because let's be honest it's okay for grandparents to worry). If after that point it carries on is when you should have a sit down with your husband and decide maybe going NC with him for a short while (until he understands or gets it) or maybe even totally if it then carries on.

Not sticking up for your FIL but I will say, old people have no god damn filter 🫠

JFC, i just saw your son is bloody 3 YO.
Scrap what I said about the taking steps. If i were you Id talk to my husband, to be on the same page. Be blunt put my foot down with FIL and tell him this behaviour has to change or we will have to limit the amount of contact there is between him and my boy.

3 bloody years old and he's calling the kid strange. I'm so angry.

I think u are misunderstanding me. Where I come from, the day you cut your inlaws of, you should be prepared for a divorce because it's very unlikely you will be happy in the marriage. Only a few men in my culture will stay with u after cutting of their parents. Most of the time, ur only option is a divorce if u are being abused by ur inlaws. You can't cut the off and still stay in that marriage.

I think it is a generation thing!

My DD was diagnosed with type 1 a few years ago. My parents make really strange comments about it, and it doesn’t matter how many times we politely tell them things, they still ask… My DD gets fed up with the comments..

Strangers make weird comments too, all the time! That’s hard enough for my DD, but it’s reasonable to expect her own grandparents to do a bit of research themselves so they don’t keep making daft comments!

I think you need to be a bit blunter too… my parents would ask ‘is she allowed XYZ?’ (Food/drink), after lots of times of saying “yes she just needs to inject for it’… I just decided to instead say ‘“has it got poison is it?, no?? Well she can have it then!”…. I also have lost count of how many times I’ve asked my mum to keep the original packaging from food so we can look up the carbohydrates…. Always met with ‘surely you know by now how many carbs are in xyz…. And then I have to explain that not all chips have the same amount of carbs, not all brands of any food are the same … and no it’s not safe just to guess because an overdose can be fatal, and to under guess has other negative effects. But both are also in their 70’s and I think live in their own bubble…. I think society has moved too quickly for them!
my mum constantly comments how no one at school when she was there ever injected before food, so therefore diabetes didn’t exist back then! 🙄 nevermind that treatment has improved in 50 plus years.

but yes I think FIL’s terminology is bad, if I were you I’d get DH to pop round his parents one day without you and have a few words about your FIL’s behaviour, either with both of them or with his mum and then ask her to have a word with him!

Or next time he makes a comment have a response ready, even if it is as blunt as ‘goodness you’re determined to offend me and fall out with me aren’t you!’

I think banning should be a last resort. Is your expectation that he won’t have contact with your older child, or either child?

Are you planning to ban your DH from having contact with his father? Or just not allowed to let his child see their grandparents? Or would you be fine if they attended all family events without your older son?

I suspect you haven’t thought all this through, and you need to talk it through with DH who has more at stake here than you do (it is his parents you want restricted from his life). If you decide they are banned, and he disagrees - what then? While he may have no legal right regarding your older son, he does have legal rights regarding his child.

You aren’t wrong to need the FIL’s comments to stop - I just don’t think your approach is practical.

I think the statements of 'ban him' are sort of puzzling. How can you 'ban' someone from a jointly owned/rented home? If my DH were to announce that "XX is no longer allowed in this house" I'd probably laugh at him and I'm sure he'd do the same. I'm not talking about whether or not the FiL should be banned, I'm just saying that in an 'equal' setting it's pretty unenforceable. What is one going to do, throw oneself across the doorway and say "You shall not pass!!!"? Unless one is going to deliver and stick to an ultimatum (I'll leave you!) I'd say the most one could do would be to take the children and 'absent oneself' for the duration of the visit.

And don't be saying "It's generational". My late father, born 1914, would never have said the things the FiL has said. And I was born in the '50s and have a pretty good handle on Special Needs. FiL is ignorant and ignorance has no 'age'. I've heard ignorance about my DS2's godson (Autism, Fragile X) equal to OP's FIL come out of the mouths of his 30-something friends.

I'd tell Dh to have a 'last chance' discussion with his dad.
Any more 'normal' etc comments will mean that you won't be invited back into our house. And mean it.

Re your own dc together. I'd be unhappy that one dgc will be treated better than the other so that will need its own conversation. Actually he's not your sons dgd, does he still know his own gp?

Just reply in kind.
’what’s wrong with ds’
’nothing, what’s wrong with you?’
‘Oh I am surprised’
’not as surprised by me at your ignorance’

when he’s chatting loudly about your family make sure to loudly ask dp ‘had fil had his prostate checked? It’s v important’ ‘what’s wrong with fil, he’s looking rough’

and finally ‘fil, I think you should see the doctor as you’re showing signs of dementia. Have you forgotten that there’s nothing wrong with ds, lots wrong with your behaviour and we’ve asked you to stop being an arse? The amount of times you’ve forgotten that we’ve asked you to be kind is concerning’

I'm sorry, but your 'culture' sounds very backward and prehistoric, even pre dinosaurs. If a man won't choose his wife, the woman he left his family to form a family with, he aint worth shit. Any decent man will cut off his toxic family and choose his wife. If he doesn't, he is shit and not worth anything.

@WandaWonder Well the poster whom I was replying to said "DH gets to do that if anyone"