To ban my ignorant father-in-law from the house?

[Loofaa]

My father-in-law is in his mid 70s and is extremely ignorant, and at times rude. There are many examples of behaviour outside of this situation that I have ‘let slide’, but I am at the end of my tether with regards to his comments about my neurodivergent son.

When I first met my husband, he repeatedly asked him what was ‘wrong’ with my son. My husband told him that there is nothing ‘wrong’ with him, he has ASD & ADHD, and whilst he struggles with social skills, he is brilliant at reading, maths, writing, is very kind etc. Despite this, he continues to use the terminology ‘wrong’ in private conversations with my husband.

Next, he was in our kitchen with my mother-in-law, and I overheard him referring to my son as strange. He didn’t think I heard the conversation, but I did.

Then, this past weekend, my son was watching TV in the living room, and I was sat with my father-in-law at the table in the same room. My father-in-law asked loudly if he’s educated with everyone else in his mainstream school or if he has to attend special needs classes. I told him that my son has no academic issues, in fact he is extremely clever despite his quirky social skills, so special needs classes wouldn’t be suitable for him. He then remarked that he was surprised! This was all in front of my son, who luckily was so absorbed in the TV that he didn’t notice the remarks.

My husband and I also have an 8 month old baby. On a few occasions now he has pretended to innocently ask if our baby is meeting his milestones. He does not ask these questions about other babies in the family. He’s obviously asking this because of my son. I’ve also noticed him ‘testing’ our baby for example checking his eye contact.

AIBU to tell my husband that his father isn’t welcome in our home unless he stops these remarks and behaviour?

@Katemax82 It’s reassuring that I’m not alone in experiencing this. I had put it down to my FIL just being a bit old and clumsy at first, but it has now extended to him actually being quite rude.

YANBU OP. It’s your DS’s own home. You FIL will need to find his manners or not come over.

Have you considered that this person has the start of dementia? I had similar experience with my MiL - Alzheimer’s finally diagnosed when it was advanced.

Father in law sounds really worried about your son. And he is entitled to feel like that. Can the pair of you and Indeed your son at an age appropriate level just put his mind at rest? People don't learn just by being told once.

To add a different perspective- you’re also ‘extremely ignorant’ if you think special provision education is only for those who aren’t academically on the same level as their peers.

We’re all limited in our understanding by our previous experiences and experience of language.

For grandparents generation ‘wrong’ was the standard language for your son. He’s had 70 years of that. Some reality may be needed.

I think, to be kind to your FIL, it is generational ignorance, because my dad is that age & says to me “We just didn’t have all these conditions when I was younger”. Now that’s not to say his approach is ok. Your attitude can improve and develop just as science has done over the time in order to identify these conditions. My son has a rare genetic condition & a severe learning disability. No one could love him more, or try harder with him than my dad (and my mum when she was alive) They didn’t/don’t always get it right, but the effort is above and beyond. To learn signs, to understand behaviours, to change how they would normally approach something because it just doesn’t work for him. His ignorance isn’t his fault, his inability to learn from what he is told & make adjustments absolutely is! I think you do what’s right for your son & stuff everyone else! I wouldn’t tolerate things like that said around my son because even when you think they aren’t listening (or in our case that they don’t understand) they have a sneaky way of picking up on it. SEN kids have it tough enough out in the world, without that attitude from family xx

Op’s son isn’t her dh’s so no genetic link to the fil

It’s not an excuse but the older generation aren’t “up” on current terminology, my mum says things that makes me cringe at times but you have a duty to protect your son from hearing these things. Maybe tell him that if he wants to chat about your sons diagnosis he is very welcome to but not when he is around and if he continues to then he won’t be welcome in your home when your son is there.

He probably doesn’t even realise what he’s saying is wrong. It’s only the last 10/20 years that children are being diagnosed. And i find you being offended by him mentioning about special schools a bit off. Many children with ADHD have to attend these schools, or are desperately trying to get a place in one. There’s no shame in it. It’s just a school which caters more for their abilities and personalities than a mainstream school. It’s a valid question.

What would that be to do with the FIL who isn't biologically related to the OPs son?

People saying at least the FIL is asking questions and he's concerned about op's son, I call bull💩 he's been told the script many times and he was overheard calling op's son weird in their own home despite things being explained to him previously. Why op didn't go into that kitchen and kick off is beyond me, I would have torn him a new one.

@Loofaa you need to have a serious conversation with your dh and tell him it's not on the way he speaks about your son and if it continues you don't want him in the house your son calls home.

Age isn't an excuse for ignorance. He knows the boys diagnosis so he should lay off.

Edit just to add: he's seems to be talking about your son within earshot thinking he doesn't understand what's being said about him. That's also very rude.

I know husband's shouldn't have a say but surely it's his house too why you get to dictate who is allowed?

A couple of people have mentioned my being ashamed of ‘special school’. That’s not the case. There is a school local to us that caters for autistic and ADHD kids without learning disabilities, I would love my DS to be able to attend there. Unfortunately that seems very unlikely as he doesn’t have an EHCP and copes in mainstream (currently). We don’t have a spare £20k to fund it ourselves.

The reason why I was pissed at FIL is because he was suggesting that my son, based on his very limited interactions with him, couldn’t possibly be academically intelligent because he struggles socially. He was being disparaging. That was the framing and context of the conversation, in front of my son.

@ScaryM0nster
@Livelovebehappy

I am going against the grain here and saying, I don't think what he has said is so bad. His language is definitely 'off' and of a certain time but to ban him from the house is a bit OTT.

Of course you are protective of your son and so you should be, but your FIL asking what was wrong with your son? Yes, it's clumsy and awkward but at best he was taking an interest? You overheard him calling your son 'strange', your son's behaviour is probably not what he is used and is strange to him. Should he have verbalised in your honey - no but you overheard it. And besides, you have called your FIL ignorant on a public forum.

I am about 20 years younger than your FIL - back in the day, special needs children went to separate schools. One of the reasons I think people say 'there were no autism/ADHD/ when I young'. You didn't see them because they were in different schools

Instead of banning him from the house, sit down with him and your DH and tell him what the acceptable terminology is nowadays. He seems curious about your son, perhaps he wants to get to know him.

Yes, sounds like grampies's social skills aren't so hot either.

Next time, I would bluntly ask him:

'What is wrong with you? There must be something, because we have explained DS's AuDHD several times, told you there is nothing wrong with him. Yet you keep persisting in asking questions you've already had the answers to, in a way that is extremely rude!'

Why?! Why is DH Lord & Master!?!

@Loofaa Yep he absolutely would be banned if I was in your shoes. No way would he set eyes on my child again

No because he lives their too? It is his house as well is it not?

@Baba197 @Bigcat25 @Samlewis96
My bad, I read the OP then came back a while later.

Oh Lordy that’s not great behaviour and really needs sorting out - I think it would be a good idea for both of you to sit him down and explain, he’s completely out of touch but you need to explain how hurtful it is too x

I think he sounds ND too. Lacking social skills, not acknowledging when his questions are making people uncomfortable.
I can understand you wanting to ban him but he may not be doing it on purpose this may be your son in the future.

You’ve not really stood up and had your child’s back. I’m not surprised he’s now bordering on rude. His language is hardly ever challenged and if it is you don’t change anything.

I have just lived through a very similar situation with a very similar FIL, who has now moved on to the ``next world''. It is not easy, especially as the spouse, and it is not your fault he is this way. Be firm with DH about the impact this is having. In our situation, similar behaviour now (that we have obtained decades of medical records) appears to be related to diminished cognitive capacity. I won't bore you with details, but it may not be FIL's generation or his upbringing that explains this, but that your FIL is entering The Twilight Zone that precedes the slide of some people (but not others) into late life dementia or other cognitive impairment. (He is in the right age bracket at least.) It can happen from a stroke, from a type of dementia, from an undetected transient ischemic attack or brain aneurysm or many other possibilities, including just a plain old personality disorder or depression. If I had to do this all over again, I would insist that DH calmly and pastorally sat down FIL and asked him to go to the GP, seek referral to a neuropsychologist and be thoroughly assessed for his thinking processes, memory, decision making, you name it to rule out any of the mental ailments of old age. (A geriatric psychiatrist could do the same, if one is accessible.) FIL will either gratefully accept the advice and determine what causes him to behave this way or he will get the message that the problem isn't with your son, it is with him! I so wish we had done this. It certainly would have identified an impairment, based on what we now know from what was reported to healthcare staff who didn't put it all together. Instead we have been left to search records everywhere to determine the causes of this relative's conduct late in the life, which has sadly split apart the entire family.

No you can't just ban him. That's his son's house too. Yes he might be ignorant about your son's condition but he doesn't sound like a bad person. He's just showing concern even though it might come across wrong. Maybe it's a cultural thing but I find it strange when people cuts of family over minor issues especially mothers, fathers etc.